A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons
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What are the best books for non-borderlines out there? Find out with the updated recommended reading list. The new list contains more first-hand accounts, Kindle editions and the latest research on borderline personality disorder (BPD). To access the recommended reading list click here.
Reinforcement, especially positive reinforcement, is a powerful teaching tool. You could more accurately say “training” tool. You have probably used reinforcement in your life without even realizing it. Consider potty training. If you have ever potty-trained (or as many modern texts call it “toilet taught”) a toddler, you know how difficult that task can be. However, all kids eventually learn to use the potty – I don’t know of a case of a kid going into high school without knowing how to use the potty.
Potty training provides an excellent example of positive reinforcement and the ignoring of “backsliding.” That is the essence of this tool. When you teach a child to use the potty, you make a BIG positive deal about it when it is successful. The first time you see the poop in the potty, what happens? Typically, the parent praises the child, positively reinforcing the behavior in a way that is out-of-proportion with the accomplishment. You may say, “Yeah! You did it! That’s fantastic! Good Job!” and clap your hands and cheer. You also will tend to do it within seconds of the completed behavior. That is where positive reinforcement differs with general praise. Praise can be given much after the fact and can be bestowed for a number of reasons, including character traits. That is, you could say, “Wow, you are so smart” after your child receives a 100% grade on a math test. That is praise. (Although I’m not sure it is effective, but that is not the topic at hand). Positive reinforcement is for behaviors and should occur right when the behavior is completed. That is how animals are trained. The positive reinforcement (feeding, for example) occurs within seconds of the completed behavior so that the two can be connected in the mind of the animal. Continue reading Reinforcement and “Behaving Better” →
 Sometimes Hope is Not Enough Bon Dobb’s book, “When Hope is Not Enough” is bar none, hands down the single best how-to book I’ve ever read. I wish I were more eloquent, for this book deserves a far better review than I am able to offer. Out of the dozens of relationship books I’ve read over the last three and half years, this is the ONLY one that actually made a difference. My wife and I were on the verge of divorce and I had just moved out of the house when someone turned me onto Bon Dobb’s book. I read it in two days and, when my wife called me on the evening of the second day, I put his suggestions into practice. Following his techniques stopped the fight and took our marriage to a whole new level of intimacy and communication. Of course, it will take a lot of practice to perfect all the techniques he offers, but saving my marriage is worth all the time and effort I can give it.
If you’re a man, having troubles in your marriage, this is the first and best book I could recommend.
That’s a really nice review of the book and I’m totally glad this guy got results from the book. I certainly never expected anyone to call the book the best how-to book they’ve ever read. As one of my ATSTP Group members once said: this sh*t works!
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Release date April 25, 2011.
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My “primer” book But I Love You is now available as a Kindle eBook. Like my other two books: When Hope is Not Enough (the big, green book) and Beyond Boundaries (the advanced guide) you can now read But I Love You on the Kindle. A note about But I Love You:
This “primer” grew out of my book “When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.” If you have read that book, you will not find much new material in this one. There are a couple of new things (most notably, the “cheerleading” tool), which do not appear in “When Hope is Not Enough.”
This primer was born out of frustration about “When Hope is Not Enough.” One of my list members (of the “Anything to Stop the Pain” Google Support List) found that she and her husband were having trouble understanding the structure of “When Hope is Not Enough.” They felt that many of their “burning questions” were answered only in the end of the book. They have an adult daughter with BPD and wanted to know answers to questions like “Why does she constantly lie to us?” and “Why does she react with rage when we
make innocent suggestions?” The problem that they found with the full “how-to guide” was that way in which I presented the material. In “When Hope is Not Enough” I present a model of BPD that is initially more “inwardly” focused on a person with BPD’s feelings, reactions and motivations. The three core components of BPD that I present in my previous book are: emotional dysregulation, shame and impulsivity. These aspects are, in my opinion, the drivers of all of the behaviors, as crazy as some of these behaviors seem to us.
However, these aspects are all internal to the person with BPD and, as parents of an adult daughter with BPD, my list member and her husband wanted to understand their daughter’s behavior from the “outside in” more fully.
“But I Love You” explains a loved one with BPD in a way that speaks to this frustration with “When Hope is Not Enough.” I see it as a stepping-stone to understanding the full “how-to” guide.
How DBT saves lives and how to accept the label borderline. I stumbled upon this interview with Stacy Pershall, a woman recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The interview itself is fascinating and can be found here. She has also written a memoir entitled: Loud in the House of Myself: Memoir of a Strange Girl. Here are some highlights from the interview:
Stacy on the label Borderline Personality Disorder:
When I first heard of BPD, it was in a magazine article given to me by a college roommate. That was back in the early ’90s, and the article said BPD couldn’t be cured, so I either had to resign myself to being crazy forever or dismiss the diagnosis as a way of marginalizing women who refused to be meek and subservient.
My initial reservations about the diagnosis, with which I continued to struggle until I found DBT and, therefore, hope, centered around the question of whether you could diagnose any strange, artistic, outspoken girl with the disorder. I had a lot of legitimate anger over growing up marginalized, and I had a hard time separating that anger from the maladaptive rages that derailed my life for so many years.
Meeting my DBT therapist and reading Marsha Linehan’s work helped me make peace with the diagnosis and to see it as valid. When I read the DSM criteria and realized I was nine for nine, I had to admit there was some truth there. It really was like seeing an outline of my life. By that point, I wanted so desperately to get better, to build a life not punctuated by constant bingeing and purging and starving and suicide attempts, that I was willing to call my illness whatever I had to call it to get treatment.
As for what borderline means to me today, it is an accurate description of a disorder from which I feel mostly recovered. I encourage anyone who feels the diagnostic criteria ring true to pursue an official diagnosis and seek out the treatment for which they qualify.
Stacy on relationships as triggers (a study by Dr. Paul Links showed that relationship events are the #1 most important trigger for borderlines):
Relationships were my primary triggers. I wanted so desperately to be loved, validated and saved from my loneliness that I latched onto a string of partners who showed intense initial interest, and I promptly scared them off with the depth of my neediness.
I also had a propensity for seeking out emotionally abusive or withholding lovers. Relationship after relationship ended in emotional flameouts and trips to the emergency room for overdoses. When I entered DBT, I realized this was something I had in common with most of the other women in my treatment program, and I was able to let go of some of the shame I felt about it. Learning that this particular brand of self-destruction was a hallmark of my disorder gave me hope that I could use my DBT skills to avoid forming unhealthy attachments in the future.
Stacy on DBT (and mood stabilizers):
It’s a totally different world! Life before DBT seemed hopeless, and now it seems exciting and full of possibility. I trust myself to navigate the storms of day-to-day existence. Thanks to the DBT distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills, I even weathered a breakup without a suicide attempt, and know that if I ever see my ex again I can hold my head up and feel no shame or guilt over my behavior. I’m really proud of that.
The mood stabilizer Lamictal has also been a godsend. My moods now swing between happy and sad, not ECSTATIC and SUICIDAL. Needless to say, I’m a fan.
By (author) Stacy Pershall
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I coined the phrase “It’s All About His/Her Feelings” (IAAHF) as a mentalization tool to understand the MOTIVATION behind much of the confusing behavior of those with BPD. Last week, I got the first search engine search on IAAHF. See below:
 IAAHF As you can see, I also get lots of searches on “famous people” or “celebrities” with BPD. I only post those types of articles to relate to those with BPD and their families that perhaps they are not alone in their struggles – perhaps (again it’s a maybe because the closest celebrity to actually come out and say he/she has BPD is Megan Fox – who speculated about it).
I’ve written a lot about IAAHF here. I also explain the concept and how it relates to validation skills in the I-AM-MAD communication skill. The concept of IAAHF is extremely important to fully understand if a non-BPD is going to understand what is going on in the emotionally dysregulated moments (EDMs). It takes some time to understand and to truly “get” it. For me, it was one to the most valuable perspectives on BPD and emotional dysregulation.
Sometimes, however, nons have a problem with this concept because they misinterpret it. Here is a brief note from “When Hope is Not Enough” (the second edition, on which I am working) about IAAHF:
I found that many people bristle at the idea that it’s “all about” the borderline’s feelings. Sometimes this formulation makes the Non-BPD’s ask: what about my feelings? (which, in a way, is a reformulation of “what about me?”). The intention of this concept is for you to understand the motivation of behavior, not the entire landscape of the relationship. There will be times in which the context of the relationship is about your feelings. Yet, when the “crazy” behavior takes place, it is most often motivated by dysregulated feelings and emotions. The purpose and intent of the behavior is to quell those feelings, even if it seems as if it’s your fault that those feelings exist. To understand and use this attitude properly, you have to remember that it’s (the behavior) is all about (motivated by) his/her feelings (dysregulated emotions that require calming/quelling of pain).
Today, I have decided to rotate the poll. The last question I asked is about books that non-BPD people have read. Not surprisingly, the largest slice of the responders said “Stop Walking on Eggshells” as the book that they read (among others). Here is the data, normalized across the “choose all that apply” spectrum. If you’d like to see it by responders, see the “polls” link or poll archive.
 Books Read by Non-BPDs OK, here’s a better representation of the percentage of the responders, rather than the % by total answers:
 Books by Responders I also have started a new poll about self-injury. I am quite interested in the stats on self-injury because I have been told time and time again that MOST BPDs do NOT engage in self-injury. I guess we’ll see in the unscientific way that we do here.
In my book “When Hope is Not Enough”, I recommend to Non-BPD folks that they “Don’t Defend”. This advice has caused many a member of the ATSTP Goggle Group Support List to be concerned and to struggle with the idea of defending oneself against day-to-day accusations. Some times this “defending” is actually “justification or explaining”. Sometimes it is even done pro-actively – heading off criticism or misinterpretation ahead of time. Well, recently, a member of the group pointed us to a posting from Russell Bishop entitled “Why You Should Never Defend, Explain or Justify”. I think it captures the spirit and nature of my directive: Don’t Defend.
Here is the text of the article, as seen on the Huffington Post:
Russell Bishop Author, Consultant, Executive Coach
Posted: March 7, 2011 06:10 AM
Why You Should Never Defend, Explain or Justify
Why do some people seem to be forever defending, explaining or justifying themselves? Do you enjoy being around this person? Are you one yourself?
Quite the opposite from the critics who have been the subject of recent articles on complaints and criticism, this person becomes tiresome not because of a string of complaints, but more because of the somewhat toxic nature of self-defense.
Years ago, as the personal transformation wave was cresting via large group seminars, several of us started using a made-up word to highlight the toxic nature of self-defense and explanation: dexify. The word even seems to connote something toxic all by itself.
Certainly, someone who engages in dexification (there’s another use that may suggest something kind of dark) seems to be sliding down a spiraling path of negativity. What’s so negative about defending yourself, you might ask?
On the one hand, nothing really, especially if there’s something there to defend. However, I am not referring to the kind of self-defense you might need when wrongly accused of something, especially something heinous or criminal. However, there’s a difference between that kind of self-defense and the more common defend-explain-justify behavior that many of us seem to engage in almost daily.
To be fair, I know I have certainly done my fair share of dexification. The main problem in day-to-day life is that when you choose to dexify, you almost always sound guilty-as-charged. I know that when I find myself in justification mode, there’s almost always some part of me that feels insecure about the area, perhaps even wondering-fearing-believing that it must be true.
There may well be several moving parts here, but allow me to underscore a critical aspect that may be operative and why dexification is usually not all that helpful. The worst possible scenario might be that the criticism is accurate and I’m simply digging myself a deeper hole by dexifying.
Some time ago, I wrote an article on this subject, citing a lesson learned from Bucky Fuller about how we can benefit from our perceived enemies. The gist of the story: after a wonderful lecture on the value of seeking to understand and be understood, Bucky took questions from the audience. One gentleman took the microphone and proceeded to tell Bucky that he was full of beans, didn’t know what he was talking about, and had no basis for his point of view. Bucky considered the comment, and replied, “Thank you.”
After a couple of more rounds of this kind of exchange-attack, wherein the gentleman kept going after Bucky, trying to provoke a reaction, Bucky taught us all a great lesson in self-awareness by saying something like this:
Did you not notice that each time I paused to consider what you had to say? I looked inside myself to see if some part of me was reacting to what you had said about me, particularly if some part of me were upset, prone to counterattack, or otherwise affected. I have found that when I am in that kind of reaction, there is typically something there for me to learn about myself, something for which I need to improve. In this instance, I found no reaction. Thus, you were simply sharing your opinion to which you are fully entitled and with which I have no argument. Therefore, “Thank you” seemed most appropriate.
Indeed, Bucky Fuller demonstrated considerable self-awareness and personal integrity throughout his life, and this little exchange has been a guiding light for me for years. Learning to see the reaction inside myself as feedback about me, pointing out areas of growth, not something to be defended, has been both expansive and liberating for me.
I have learned that when I feel the need to dexify myself, some part of me is almost always of the opinion that they must be right and I must be wrong. The defending, explaining and justifying never seems to change anything and, instead, tends to anchor me more deeply in the issue that needs to be addressed.
If you recognize this tendency in yourself, here’s a little tip that I have found personally useful whenever I have the courage to use it. Courage, by the way, is an interesting word that typically means something about physical or mental strength or bravery. Its roots, however, go to the Latin and French words for “heart.” I have heard it said that the suffix of the word, “age,” means something like “wisdom.” If you put the two together, you get “the wisdom of the heart.”
The next time you find yourself under attack and are about to resort to dexification, consider the wisdom of your own heart. Look inside yourself to your own reactions. If, like Bucky, you find yourself in reaction mode, consider that there might be a kernel of truth here for you, perhaps an entire bushel-full. If there is something there, then draw a bit more on that source of heartfelt wisdom and dive into the question even further, perhaps saying something like, “That’s very interesting. Can you say some more about what you see or how you see this playing out in my behavior?”
I know that for many this seems somewhere between silly and incomprehensible. Why on earth would you invite even more criticism, especially in an area where you might already feel uncomfortable?
It’s simple, really. You just might learn something that will liberate you. You may find yourself growing in confidence and inner strength as you choose inquiry over dexification. You might also wind up closing a gap between you and the other person. After all, it does take great courage to step closer in the face of criticism, and your sincere inquiry may melt away something that prevents you from being even more effective.
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Please leave a comment here or drop Russell an e-mail at Russell@russellbishop.com.
 Sometimes Love Hurts I’m currently reading the book ‘The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder’ by Randi Kreger. This is the first book I’ve read on the subject & I’m finding it really helpful.
I started to research other books and found the one I’m ‘reviewing’ on the US Amazon website. There are lots of reviews of the book there and it made me decide to buy it as the reviews are very positive. So, if you want to read reviews before you buy this book, have a look on the American site.
I’ve now read the book! Just this minute finished reading it in fact. I have found it so very very helpful, not just with the tools Bon Dobbs gives you for improving your relationship with your BP loved one, but for improving their experience of life. It’s a book for being a kinder, more understanding, more enlightened person in all relationships I think.
The first book I read by Randi Kreger (mentioned above) was more about looking after yourself when in a relationship with a BP. Bon Dobbs’ book is about looking after them too. He says “a BP’s brain is working against them by upsetting the emotional regulation system. It is impossible for a BP NOT to feel those emotions. The emotions are not right or wrong, they just ARE. It is the behaviours that arise from the emotions that can be changed, and that is where we will focus our attention.”
The book is very practical and very intelligently and insightfully written, based on years of experience of living with 2 family members with BP (wife & young daughter). I am so grateful to the author for so generously sharing his experiences and the ways he’s found to improve life for his wife, daughter, the rest of the family & himself.
I have learned so much about why my own loved one developed BPD in the first place and what I can now do to help alleviate some of the suffering that goes with this condition.
The title ‘When Hope is Not Enough’ sounds a bit bleak, but what the book has given me IS huge hope! I now very clearly understand that my loved one needs validation of their feelings. The author has shown me that validating their feelings in no way compromises my own core value of acting with integrity – rather, it will enhance it.
The reason I find this review interesting is two-fold (beyond the thank-yous and the nice words about me): 1) I believe that the reviewer is correct about the nature of my book – it is for the relationship, not for the non-BP exclusively and 2) The reviewer is also right about the fact that you can enhance the relationship, through validation and other tools, without sacrificing your own value or values.
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Release date June 15, 2008.
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I am pleased to announce that When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now available in the Kindle format in the United States and in the UK. I had been asked about getting this book on the Kindle and I finally figured out how to do it. I should have my other books on the Kindle format shortly. If you have a Kindle, now you can read the Non-BPD book that has helped hundreds of people in their relationships.
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