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A new book: The power of validation

I haven’t read this book yet, but I plan to. Validation is very important, which is why I talk about it so much.

 




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Ask Bon: How do I balance validating somebody’s feelings with protecting myself or my children from emotional abuse?

Q: How do I balance validating somebody’s feelings with protecting myself or my children from emotional abuse?

A: This is an excellent question and one that I have grappled with for years. My wife’s behavior before I started down the path to effectiveness was off-the-charts and was affecting my children’s feelings of safety in our household. Numerous times I felt the only solution to protecting my children was to leave my wife and apply for full custody of our children. When my wife was “acting out” and/or in a rage around the children, I would take the kids to the library or to events around town. I worried that they would associate going to the library (a nice quiet place) with my wife’s raging. However, once I understood the reason for her raging, I also understood that there was a more effective solution to my wife’s behavior. The reason my wife was raging was because she had dysregulated emotional states that were painful for her, yet out-of-line with the evidence of the world around her. Still, these emotional states seemed quite real and justified to her. All of her life she has felt that her very being is under threat from those around her. This situation causes fear in her, but the fear quickly turns to rage and no-holds-barred behavior toward others, even those she supposedly loved. In fact, this dangerous and confusing behavior was worse with the immediate family. The reason is that she felt that her emotional states were not understood, not accepted and judged by those with whom she had the most at stake. If your immediate family doesn’t accept you, who will? This judgment and rejection was seen as a prelude to abandonment, rejection and confirmation of her shame. This situation made her frightened, desperate and angry. The anger then translated into rage from which much of the emotional abuse arises.

Behavior is most often conditioned and based on previous beliefs, reactions and conditions. I found that if you, as a loved one of someone with BPD, change the conditions, the behavior will change. If the emotions are accepted and validated, they don’t typically spiral out of control and trigger dangerous abusive behavior. It is not a question of right and wrong, like many people believe it is. It is a question of effective reactions and behavior on your part versus continuing to react ineffectively and, essentially, throwing gasoline on a raging fire. Better to put out the fire with water, which is a soothing elixir. Punishing a person for their feelings becomes translated into more shame since “all feelings all the time” is how they “are”. Rejection confirms that to the borderline that he/she is a bad person, which, in turn, causes more and more rage. Remember, however, that emotions and behavior are not synonymous. You can validate emotions without condoning the resultant behavior.

What about past abusive behavior? When will my borderline take responsibility for that? Should I let that go?

If I’ve learned anything about borderlines in the past five years, it’s that they generally know what they’ve done “wrong” in life, whether or not they will admit it to you. The shame component causes a “deepest, darkest” reflection about who they really are. When a borderline identifies with a particular role in life – such as being a mother – anything that threatens that identity is usually met with fire. Yet, on the flip-side of the defense of their very being, there’s shame, unworthiness and self-flagellation. It is most likely that your borderline will punish herself for the discretions she has committed. Of course, sometimes, the emotion-fueled behavior is not even remembered. It’s sometimes an emotional vomit session to get all the bad feelings out, to purge the nasty sickness of the painful emotions – of course,  those around them can get spewed on. When I said that it might not be remembered some time ago on the ATSTP list, I got a response from a recovered borderline that went “oh, we remember it. We just can’t run to the toilet when it is occurring. And we almost always see the mess that has been made and feel bad about it afterwards.”

My suggestion about “balance” between validation and protecting the children from emotional abuse boils down to the belief that, if the borderline doesn’t let the emotions run away with them, the abusive behavior will (almost) cease entirely. I still get raging from my wife every once in a while – maybe once every 4-6 months. It used to be once every 2-3 days, then it was 2-3 weeks, then once a month and so on. What I changed was the environment for my wife’s emotional expression. I stopped judging her. I validated her when she felt bad. I built a safe, accepting environment for her emotional life. One that she has never experienced before. It was not my “fault” that she felt that way – it was merely how is actually was in her life. I had to accept the reality of the situation and do what I could do to change it.

Several members of the ATSTP list have reported that once they “turned their mind” (and behavior/reactions) toward what I purpose in WHINE, the raging in their borderlines ceased. The Buddha said of dependent origination: “When this exists, that comes to be. With the arising of this, that arises. When this does not exist, that does not come to be. With the cessation of this, that ceases.” My suggestion to each of you is to cause the “ceasing of this” (the non-accepting, judgmental, invalidating environment) to insure that “that ceases” (the abusive, dysregulated behavior).

NOTE “Ask Bon” is a new category within this blog in which Bon answers burning questions about being a non-BPD from his perspective and with the skills an attitudes with which he was able to rebuild his relationship with his borderline wife. The opinions are Bon’s alone.

The Top Five Must-Have Books for Partners of People with BPD

The top five must-have books for partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These are must-reads!

A Review of WHINE by someone with BPD

The other day I received a review on Amazon about my book When Hope is Not Enough from an individual who identified himself as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Here’s the text of the review:

Got BPD? Get This! Great for Everyone Who Needs Validation!, June 16, 2011

I have BPD and I love this book! I no longer walk around feeling like BPD is stamped on my forehead and everything I say or do is a result of my lousy emotional filtering. I can constructively offer suggestions to myself (or others) on how I would rather be treated or spoken to. I can laugh with myself and my partner when something my partner says today about 1 cup of noodles sets off a cascade leading back huge resentment about to 2 tons of dirt and threats of leaving —10 years ago. I am proud of myself as a unique person. I can notice feelings of shame without going down the tubes. My partner bought this book for herself and I love it FOR ME! I don’t feel criticized or judged. I feel validated. I am happy and proud. I’ve been dealing with BPD diagnosis for over 35 years and this book is so fantastic! Give it to your DBT therapist, family members, yourself. This is the only book I have ever written a review for. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

I’m posting it here for more than just shameless promotion of my book (click here for the post on “Why I Bothered to Write a Book”). I’m posting it to point out that people with BPD generally like my work and approach to BPD. That’s more than can be said of Stop Walking on Eggshells which I know from the borderlines who I know despise SWOE. The reason seems to be that in WHINE, I promote something that one of my list members calls the “Platinum Rule” of interpersonal behavior. The platinum rule states “treat others like they wish to be treated” (as opposed, of course, to the Golden Rule “treat others as you wish to be treated”). People with BPD and other emotionally sensitive people wish to be treated in a particular way. They respond positively to a certain way of treatment. Sometimes I get people comment on my methods as being too “easy” on the borderline, “letting the borderline win”, “giving into the borderline” or “not holding the borderline responsible for their actions”. The reality is that when a person is being treated like they wish to be treated, most of the poor behavior will fall away. When someone feels heard and accepted, there’s no need to scream and yell to be heard and accepted. I heard a borderline daughter once tell her mother “you only listen to me when I’m screaming at you”. That sort of thing goes away when you actually listen and accept the person and understand what they are really saying. I believe that much of the trouble between borderlines and their loved ones is due to a communication problem. Borderlines speak one language, their families speak a completely different language. WHINE really seeks to give you the tools to be fluent in the borderline’s (or any  emotionally sensitive person’s) language. Several people on my list have reported that when they started speaking the borderline’s language, the raging, yelling and abusive behavior ceased – in some cases almost immediately.

I like to sell books as much as any other author. Yet, sales is not the reason I write or continue to write, here and on the ATSTP list. In reality, I continue because I discovered something that worked really well for me and wanted to share it with other people who were in the same predicament I was in a few years ago. And, of course, this review also demonstrates that even borderlines like WHINE, so the dread that you may have experienced when your BPD partner finds SWOE might be mitigated if your BPD partner finds WHINE (and actually reads it).




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Release date June 15, 2008.

Are bloggers and authors about BPD biased?

I don’t usually like to defend myself. In fact, in my book, I have a tool that says “Don’t Defend”. Interestingly, in the Essential Family Guide to BPD, Randi Kreger has the same tool. Yet, I am feeling the need to correct something that Randi has said over at her Psychology Today “Stop Walking on Eggshells” blog. In her new post “Take Some Experts and Bloggers with Agendas With a Grain of Salt” she says:

Splitting is not just for people with borderline personality disorder. Some (but not all) people who have expertise with high conflict personalities and borderline personality disorder (BPD) also think in black and white. In my opinion, when you read their books, blogs, message sites, and other forms of media, consider if they have a bias they are passing along–sometimes unknowingly, sometimes quite deliberately.

And goes on to say that these biases arise from stereotyping and:

But people with power to influence others need to allow for the complexity of these issues and not make stereotypes and generalizations.

I feel that Randi is actually doing the very thing that she is decrying here. Because she didn’t specify WHICH “people who have expertise” are “splitting”, I believe that her message can be interpreted as generalizing about these “experts” (myself included). I also feel the timing was interesting, because I have recently posted a few comments on her blog, clarifying my position on BPD and on being an effective non-BPD. Now, Randi assured me that that message was not directed at me. Yet, I believe that by not specifically enumerating the “bloggers and authors” in question, people will generalize and cast a wide net to include those bloggers and authors who DON’T have an agenda or a bias.

Additionally (and here is where I am really defending myself and explaining and clarifying), she cites 3 ways that she sees these bloggers and authors are biased. They are 1) generalizing and mind reading (I don’t think I do that), 2) Sexism (pretty sure I’m not in that category) and 3) Making people’s decisions for them (this is where the perception of my book and blog get a bit stickier). While I have never (that I can remember) told any non-BPD to stay or leave, there’s little question that my book When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is a “staying” book. I mean, golly, just read the subtitle. In the introduction of WHINE, I say:

Unlike many books on this subject, this book starts with the premise that you want to continue to have a relationship with this difficult person. If you are a spouse, I assume that you want to stay married. If you are a parent, I assume that you want to continue a relationship with your child (sometimes you may have no choice). If you are a child of a parent with the disorder, I assume you want to learn how to effectively interact with your parent. Finally, if you are a friend, I assume you want to continue to be friends with this person. I do not cover how to sever a relationship with someone with the disorder in this book.

So, while I’m not telling people they SHOULD stay (or leave) or making the decision for them, my work assumes that they have already made the decision to stay and instructs the non-BPD reader of the book the ways (the know-how) in how I was able to transform my relationship with my borderline wife and daughter. I guess the only bias that I have is my own experience, which is staying with someone with BPD. I have no experience in leaving someone with BPD, although I do know many non-BPDs that have successfully left their BPD partner. Of course with kids and parents, the issue gets stickier still.

Finally, Randi says this:

It is clear from some people’s description of their own life–at least to me–that the relationship is unhealthy and needs to change. But in my opinion that must come from the non-BP themselves: list managers/authors/others don’t know if that person is using effective tools to improve the relationship.

I would agree with the first part of the clip, many Non-BPD/BPD relationships are unhealthy and need to change. The question is how? What does one DO to change the relationship? That is what I cover, based on my experience, in my book. The second part of the sentence, “list managers/authors/others don’t know if that person is using effective tools to improve the relationship” I actually have to disagree with. I have met hundreds of people with BPD and their loved ones, both electronically and in person, and have been trained in both DBT-FST (Dialectical Behavior Therapy Family Skills Training) and in Mentalization techniques. While I am NOT a mental health professional (and neither is Randi), I have “discovered” that a synthesis of these techniques, adapted for the partner/parent environment has worked wonders in my life. These skills are effective in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course, you don’t have to agree with them and I have found several people that are unable to accept the skills from my book for various reasons. In WHINE, I say this, without realizing that for some people it would actually be impossible for them to implement these tools because the tools were counter to such strongly-held beliefs, the tools are rejected out-of-hand:

While some of the tools may be difficult to implement in your life and some may seem counter-intuitive, these tools are effective in managing a Non-BP/BP relationship. Depending on your background, biological make-up and sensibilities about the world, you may have an easier or more difficult time understanding and implementing these tools in your life.

I have also discovered that certain other skills are ineffective in the same context. Like any set of skills, these have to be practiced and practiced effectively and from the “proper” stance. They often say that “practice makes perfect” and sometimes people counter with the saying “perfect practice makes perfect”. I’m not one for the idea of perfection. I am one for the idea of agility and “second nature”. The thing is you’ll never hit the baseball out of the park if you don’t practice, with the proper stance, hitting a baseball. And furthermore , you’ll never hit the baseball out of the park if you’re swinging a kayak oar.

I think that Randi’s post actually has done some damage to the non-BPD “support community”. There are a number of individuals that are not mental health professionals and that fall into the “list managers/authors/others” category that in my opinion have been caught in the wide net that Randi has cast in that blog post. If non-BPDs can’t trust the people who now seem to have an agenda and are biased, who can they trust?

I’d just like to caution Randi with her own words: “But people with power to influence others need to allow for the complexity of these issues and not make stereotypes and generalizations.” She is a “person with power to influence others” because of the wide success of SWOE and her platform over at Psychology Today. Using this broad brush that creates doubt as to the motives of people who are actually attempting to help and share what worked effectively for them, does a disservice to the non-BPD support community in my opinion.

 

Being Right vs Being Effective

In When Hope is Not Enough I have a section in the “getting ready for the tools” chapter that talks about being effective, rather than being right. I’d like to post a large excerpt from that section to illustrate what I want to talk about today. The most important part of this section of the text is the end, after which I will comment on why I’m talking about this today:

It is most important to be effective (rather than right all the time)

This particular attitude is one that has been the most controversial in my Internet group. Many people in life pride themselves on their morals and ability to discern right from wrong. Many people try to do the “right” thing in any given situation. Sometimes people will do what they think is right, even if that hurts another person that is close to them.

People are typically very judgmental. Before I started down this path, I also was very judgmental. Sometimes I can still be judgmental. When I talk about judgmental, I am talking about judging whether other’s behavior is “right” or “wrong” in your eyes. It is the act of labeling other people’s behavior as “good” or “bad.” The problem with being judgmental when dealing with someone with BPD is two-fold. First, because of the shame involved in BPD, when a person’s behavior is judged as wrong or bad, the person will expand that judgment to his or her feelings and further expand it to his or her self. Therefore, a judgment of the other person’s behavior is essentially a judgment of the other person’s self. Secondly, the person is acting on their feelings and doing something that has, at one time in their life, been used to assuage negative feelings. They are acting in a way in which they will feel better. They are acting in a way that they have used to adapt to strong negative feelings in the past. While the behavior may be maladaptive, it is understandable behavior based on how the person feels. You might not behave in the same fashion, but if you had their history, thought like them, had strong negative feelings as they do; chances are you would behave in the very same way. Thus, judging their behavior as “wrong” or “bad” is missing the objective of the behavior. Yes, the behavior may be self-destructive or nasty, but the behavior is a tool for adapting to how that person feels.

One of the biggest problems with being judgmental toward someone with BPD is that it denigrates their feelings and creates the “invalidating environment” that I spoke about earlier. If you judge another person’s feelings (by way of their behavior) as bad, you are judging them as bad – at least for a highly emotional person.

It is extremely difficult to drop the judgmental attitudes that you have. It takes time and practice. Being judgmental is taught to us from a very young age and it seeps into our language. In some respects, we are taught that being judgmental is a positive thing, a moral attitude. We are taught not to accept others and their behavior because their behavior is bad or wrong. This attitude helps keep us within our social group and helps keep us from risk. However, in interpersonal relationships, particularly with a highly emotional person, it is corrosive. If someone feels they can’t be accepted “as is” and “for what they are,” that person will be either shameful or will fly into rage against the judge (or a combination of the two).

A sure sign of being judgmental is name-calling and labeling. If you find yourself, internally or externally (meaning to yourself or to others) labeling someone, you are likely being judgmental. I will talk about how to be less judgmental shortly.

I say, “It is most important to be effective.” What does it mean to be effective? Before I could talk about effectiveness, I had to dismiss being judgmental, because it is a roadblock to effectiveness. Being effective is doing whatever is necessary to gain a positive outcome in any given moment. In the case of emotions, it is doing what is necessary to feel better in any given moment. The major difference between effectiveness and mere adaptive behavior (as mentioned above) is that effectiveness takes into account the consequences that are associated with a given behavior, not just the immediate effects. That is where the idea of “positive” outcome comes into play.

In the case of emotional situations, sometimes the most “conditioned behavioral” response is not the most effective one. An example of this is self-harm. Most often, self-harm – such as cutting, burning oneself or pulling at one’s own hair – functions to reduce pain, not to inflict it. In other words, it is an adaptive response to internal (usually emotional) pain. While you might not think that the behavior is “right,” it is a valid response to internal pain, because it works to reduce pain. Although it is adaptive and “works,” it is not effective, because of the significant negative consequences involved. It can lead to embarrassment, injury, infection or death. The potential negative consequences outweigh the effectiveness of the behavior.

So, doing what “works” is not always the most effective solution to a problem. Learning to identify the most effective solution is a skill itself, and I will discuss it at length later. The point of bringing it up here is that one must adopt an attitude of doing the most effective action in any given situation. You have to be dedicated to being effective.

Now you might ask (as many of the people on my list ask), what if the most effective thing goes against my values? What if being effective is “wrong” in a particular situation? Well, my response to that is that emotions trump values. Emotions are immediate and primal, whereas values have been developed over time (sometimes over generations) and are more abstract than emotions. Again, this is not a case of “if it feels good, do it.” This is the accumulation of the first few attitudes I have directed you to take. If emotions are important (attitude #1), not all people think the way you do (#2), no one has a corner on the truth (#3) and some things have to be accepted (#4), what we arrive at is the attitude that your values and judgments are not necessarily valid for other people. If someone is overcome with powerful negative emotions, we find that: 1) it is important to them; 2) they are not thinking the same way you might; 3) your version of the truth in this situation does not match theirs; and 4) the fact that they are in this state is a truth and must be accepted. Once those attitudes are applied to an emotional situation, you can start to be effective, even if being effective goes against the grain of what you deem is “right” or “good.” I know this might be a difficult concept for you to understand at this point. It was extremely difficult for me to come to terms with it as well. However, in the case of emotional situations, it is essential.

OK, well there it is a long quote from When Hope is Not Enough. The reason I am posting it today is that I have come to understand more fully how this attitude conflicts with many strongly-held beliefs of my readers. It takes a LOT of time to understand and “grok” this approach to life and to your relationships with a person with BPD or any emotionally sensitive person. Once, I was asked what qualities do I dislike the most about other people and I answered: contempt, sanctimoniousness and judgmentalism. I feel that all of these qualities are those that hurt relationships with other people and they all center on the idea that person A (with those qualities) is RIGHT and person B is wrong, for whatever reason. That reason could be that person B is disordered, like have Borderline Personality Disorder. However, person B is no BPD, person B is a person first and can be respected as a person. I read recently an introduction written by the Dalai Lama to a book. His first words were “Every person wants to be happy.” I agree. A person with BPD wants to be happy. The nons want to be happy as well. Yet one stumbling block to happiness is the desire to be right and lord it over the other person. Relationships are not competitions in which one person is right and the other wrong. That’s my belief anyway. When you’re ineffective, what you’re really doing is “winning a battle but losing the war” by gaining points on a particular situation yet hurting the relationship in the longer run.

 

When Hope is Not Enough now available on the Nook

My book When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now available on Barnes and Noble’s Nook. Now the book is available in most electronic platforms including the Kindle, the Nook, the iPad and in PDF form to read on a computer. It is also available in printed form through Amazon, Barnes and Noble and through the publisher Lulu, which has the lowest price currently.

 

A primer on Emotional Dysregulation and its role in Borderline Personality Disorder

Emotional Dysregulation and BPD

What is important for Non-BPDs to realize about BPD-like conditions and disorders is that they have a core component in common, which is called emotional dysregulation. A disturbance to one’s emotional regulation system can exhibit itself in a number of ways, and the behavior of the borderline (a person with BPD) and the feelings of the Non-BPD are generally confused and misunderstood unless seen through a lens of emotional dysregulation. Emotional dysregulation is not a “grand excuse” to remove responsibility from a disordered person. No, it’s a “grand explanation” to explain the reflexive (yet often confusing) behavior of a disordered person. It’s a way of understanding the motivations (reflexive behavior to stop powerful emotions – which is what IAAHF means) and the intent (to get out of pain).

I put the words emotional dysregulation in bold because that concept is vital for the Non-BPD to understand what BPD is all about. What upsets the Non-BPDs most about the disorder is the behaviors associated with BPD – raging, lying, substance abuse, unfaithfulness, dangerous risk-taking and others. The Non-BPDs feel put-upon and under siege, yet what motivates the behaviors of the borderline is that they are awash with negative emotional states. They have a reduced capacity to regulate their emotions. Continue reading A primer on Emotional Dysregulation and its role in Borderline Personality Disorder

Simon Baron-Cohen discusses empathy and the science of evil

Simon Baron-Cohen has been giving interviews about his new book The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty in which he discusses “mind-blindness” in autism and the lack of empathy in other disorders, including BPD. Here is the text of the interview he gave to Time magazine. I have added emphasis on the part that I find most “telling” about BPD. I have to disagree though that people with BPD have zero empathy. They can behave that way at times, but people with BPD can exhibit a lot of empathy and compassion when their motivation is not IAAHF, pain avoidance or threat reaction. When their emotions become reflective, rather than reflexive, the empathy come through.

Mind Reading: Psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen on Empathy and the Science of Evil
By MAIA SZALAVITZ Monday, May 30, 2011

Cambridge psychology professor and leading autism expert Simon Baron-Cohen is best known for studying the theory that a key problem in autistic disorders is “mind blindness,” difficulty understanding the thoughts, feelings and intentions of others. He’s also known for positing the “extreme male brain” concept of autism, which suggests that exposure to high levels of testosterone in the womb can cause the brain to focus on systematic knowledge and patterns more than on emotions and connection with others. (Oh, and yes, he’s also the cousin of British comedian Sacha “Borat” Baron Cohen.)

Baron-Cohen’s new book, The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, examines the role of empathy, the ability to understand and care about the emotions of others, not only in autism but in conditions like psychopathy in which lack of care for others leads to antisocial and destructive behavior.

What do you mean when you write about “zero negative” empathy?

Zero empathy refers to people at the extremely low end of the scale. They tend to be people with personality disorders, particularly antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). I focus quite a lot on psychopathy [the extreme form of ASPD] and also on two other personality disorders, borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.

The ‘negative’ is meant to be shorthand for this being negative for the individual but also for the people around them. It’s meant to contrast with what I call ‘zero positive’ empathy, which effectively describes the autistic spectrum.

[Autistic people] struggle with empathy just like zero negatives but it seems to be for very different reasons. I’m arguing that their low empathy is a result of a particular cognitive style, which is attentive to details and patterns or rules, which in shorthand, I call systemizing.

If we think about the autism spectrum as involving a very strong drive to systemize, that can have very positive consequences for the individual and for society. The downside is that when you try to systemize certain parts of the world like people and emotions, those sorts of phenomena are less lawful and harder to systemize. That can lead to having low empathy, almost like a byproduct of strong systemizing.

How do you account for people who are both highly empathetic and highly systematic, such as some of those with Asperger’s who are actually oversensitive to the emotions of others?

I’ve certainly come across subgroups like that. There are people with Asperger’s whom I’ve met who certainly would be very upset to learn they’d hurt another person’s feelings. They often have very strong moral consciences and moral codes. They care about not hurting people. They may not always be aware [that they've said something rude or hurtful], but if it’s pointed out, they would want to do something about it.

Continue reading Simon Baron-Cohen discusses empathy and the science of evil




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WHINE sells over 100 copies in a month

I am pleased to announce that When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder sold over 100 copies last month for the first time since the first month of it’s publication. I have received many messages from my readers about how helpful the book can be for loved ones of people with BPD. (Of course, I’ve received a few complaints too). WHINE is a book about staying with a person with BPD. It is NOT a guide to splitting up and/or disowning someone with BPD. It grew out of my experiences with my wife and daughter with BPD/BPDish traits. I “hope” that it will continue to help those who are desperately looking for answers and, more so, an approach that is effective for those with BPD!

 



When Hope is Not Enough (Paperback)

By (author) Bon Dobbs

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