Here is a way cool Amazon sales rank tool that includes number of copies sold. Thanks Novel Rank!
http://www.novelrank.com/title/when-hope-is-not-enough-paperback
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Because it is now 10 years old, New Harbinger has decided to publish a second edition of Stop Walking on Eggshells (aka SWOE). I read the first version of SWOE in October of 2005 and re-read it last year just to make sure that my impressions of the book were not rusty. SWOE is by far the most successful self-help book for Non-BPD people (loved ones of people with Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD). Just about everyone on my email support list (the ATSTP list) has read it. I wanted to post a couple of observations about the new edition as well as some of the experiences that I and others have had with the book. My basic feeling about the book is that it is NOT a book to be used for staying with someone with BPD. SWOE is a book about YOU and YOUR feelings. It is a book that placates the Non-BPD person. That is fine, since that is the audience of the authors (which is probably why it has sold so many copies that and because it has a great title), yet people must realize that SWOE can’t be used to engender a trusting, loving relationship with someone with BPD. The evidence of this is in the subtitle: Taking back your life when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder. This is what I have observed from users of SWOE and the methods contained therein: sure, you take your life back, but the relationship with the person you care about with BPD is wrecked. Why? Because SWOE is all about you. It is understandable that the authors created a book like this. I mean, how many of us Nons have asked “what about me?” Probably all of us. That’s a very natural question. Yet, if the relationship is going to work properly, one of the first things that one must accept is that the behavior of the person with BPD is not about you. What New Harbinger did with this new version of SWOE is that they highlighted the “angry non” aspect of the book. How? Look at the following images from the new version of SWOE:
As you can see, New Harbinger highlights the aspects of:
…which again is all very well and good if your goal in the relationship is to punish the other person and to make them behave. What really happens though is that the relationship will come to a screeching halt (or just get worse and worse) if you take this approach. I know this because I tried it, as did several other husbands of wives with BPD and found (almost universally) that things get better for a while. SWOE CAN modify the BP’s behavior, but only through threats and punishment (which SWOE calls “boundaries”). Threats and punishment WORK, but only for a short period of time. When I applied the things in SWOE to my relationship, things got better for about a month or so. Then things got decidedly worse. The reason is that my wife was responding initially to the threat of punishment. However, those threats did not change her feelings or thoughts in any way. Only through positive reinforcement did she start to behave better. SWOE doesn’t teach positive reinforcement. And even positive reinforcement doesn’t change the way someone with BPD feels. That is done through a change in thinking patterns. You can take step one toward building a trusting, loving relationship with my book When Hope is Not Enough. Although the SWOE crowd don’t place much stock in it, it really works toward building a better relationship.  When Hope is Not Enough Get the Non-BP book that has helped hundreds! Additionally, if one wants to really change the relationship and build it into a more trusting, loving one, what ultimately has to change is the way one thinks (both the person with BPD and the Non-BPD). Approaching the relationship with a “I’m not crazy, you’re the one that’s crazy” attitude, which IMO SWOE advocates, will never improve the interpersonal relationship. If you want to know how to take step two and change the thinking, try my eBook Beyond Boundaries:
I think one has to ask oneself – what is the goal of what I am doing? If the goal is to make yourself feel better and more in control, regardless of what the other person feels, SWOE is a good candidate for you. If you want to build a relationship built on mutual understanding and trust, you will have to look elsewhere. If you still want to give the new version of SWOE a whirl, have at it…  Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder  What is your goal? Those that are chiefly concerned with stopping the emotional abuse doled out by the person with BPD. This category is the largest of the three. Most books written about being a loved one of someone with BPD fall into this category. These books include: “Tears and Healing”, “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, “The Essential Family Guide”, “The Siren’s Song”, “Loving and Loathing”, “One Way Ticket to Kansas” and others. Typically these are written by ex-spouses as guides to getting out of emotionally abusive situations and protecting oneself from emotional abuse. Most of these have an emphasis on boundaries or limits, tough love and abusive dynamics (such as the victim-rescuer-perpetrator triangle or Stockholm Syndrome). If your goal is to stop the abuse directed at you from your loved one with BPD, I believe reading these books can help you do that; however, I don’t think you should expect to keep the relationship and, if you do keep the relationship, I wouldn’t expect that it would grow to be a close, loving relationship. The tools and techniques in these books will not help you build such a relationship with someone with BPD. Those that are written by people who have recovered from BPD and wish to promote a better understanding of the disorder. These books include those by Rachel Reiland, A.J. Mahari, Tami Green and others. I find these books to be helpful for the intended purpose. It certainly helps a loved one understand what it feels like to have the disorder. However, I also find that many of these books are short on what a loved one can do to build a loving relationship with a person with BPD. These books are inspirational for people who want to recover from BPD, but I don’t feel they provide the complete picture when it comes to the loved ones. Those that promote an effective, skillful path to building a loving relationship with someone with BPD. As far as I can tell, I am the only “lay person” in this category. There are some professional books, such as “New Hope for BPD,” which attempt to achieve this goal, but no other first-hand experience books that I have found other than my two books, “When Hope is Not Enough” and “But I Love You”. If your goal is staying with your loved one with BPD and building a loving, compassionate relationship, I think I am your only choice. I implore you to consider your goals and choose your path accordingly.  Modes of Thinking “If only” If only is a way of thinking in which the person says to themselves “I would be happy or content, if only a certain thing occurred or if only I had a certain thing.” It is a way of objecting to the unfairness of the world. It is a form of projective, delusional thinking… Like, “if only I won the lottery I would be happy” or “if only my partner would have sex with me more, I’d be happy”… Etc. It is equivalent to asking oneself “If I could have one thing/state, I’d be ok” “What if” What if is different than “if only” because “what if” can be either positive or negative. What if can stimulate alternate views on the future and it can also be a substitute for “if only”. If used as an iterative testing framework, “what if” can help a person understand the possible outcome of variable changes. However, one must not assume the outcome of a “what if” – sometimes, because of the complexity of variable conditions, changing one variable could lead to unexpected outcomes. “As if” “As if” is an engagement of pretend mode in which some pretends as if they know something or something exists when they have no insight into the subject matter – they don’t get it – they merely bullshit their way through “as if” they get it. “As is” “As is” is a way of accepting reality as is and not struggling against that over which you have no control or that which you can not change. As is accepts that which is as it is and changes that which can be changed. One piece of advice that I would provide to partners of people with BPD is that if you can’t accept the person “as is” and love them for what they are, it is most likely never going to work out in the long run. If you can’t accept them “as is” and consider any changes in the relationship or in their behavior as a bonus, then you are actually engaging in “if only” thinking. The other day I received a nice comment from a woman with BPD. She told me that she was planning on revealing to her long time significant other that she has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She said that she was planning on giving him 2 books – “When Hope is Not Enough” (my book) and “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me”. She was hoping that her SO will better understand her by reading these. Personally, I was flattered. To have my book used in that way makes me quite gratified. Here is a quote from the end of her message to me:
As you can see by her kind words, here is someone with BPD feeling that “When Hope is Not Enough” is empathetic and non-judgmental which was exactly my intention when writing the book. If you have BPD and want a book to help explain to your loved ones… “When Hope is Not Enough” is an excellent choice. Although it is short, it is dense and packed with information. I’d have to say “But I Love You” which is my shorter guide for loved ones of people with BPD is probably not quite as empathetic and non-judgmental as “When Hope is Not Enough”.  Path to Effectiveness Over the past two days on the ATSTP Google Group, I have been happy to see some success exhibited. Many people on the Internet and on Internet email supports lists for Non-BPs will tell you that there is no hope of having a relationship with someone with BPD. Often I have seen that the only “advice” given to Nons is: RUN AWAY! Even on the “staying” sites and sub-sites, many people think that it will never get better EVER – which to me is a form of black-and-white thinking that Nons engage in. While hope may not be enough, the BP/Non-BP partner relationship is not without hope at all. This week I received two messages from the ATSTP Google Group that gave me some hope. One was from a long-time member of the group (he’s been a member for about 2 years) and it goes like this:
It’s wonderful to hear that someone has truly benefited from the sharing, caring and skills teaching that go on at ATSTP. One success story (out of so many failures on other boards) really warms my heart. Now as for the other message that I received – this one is from a “newbie” to the list. She joined on May 8th and has read my book “When Hope is Not Enough”. She just started applying the skills with her husband. Here’s her message:
So, here we have on person that is near the end of the path toward effectiveness and one that is at the very beginning. I’m just gratified that the methods that are provided in “When Hope is Not Enough,” on this blog and, most importantly, in the ATSTP Group are actually helping people get a handle on their relationship with their loved one with BPD. Today, I published a new book called “But I Love You: A Primer for Understanding a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder.” This book is a even quicker quick-start guide to BPD and being a Non-BP than my other book “When Hope is Not Enough.” “When Hope is Not Enough” is 185 pages and packed with examples, conversations and frequently asked questions about BPD. “But I Love You” is only 50 pages and represents a distilling and reorganization of the material presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. Basically, what happened was that one of my list members (of the ATSTP Google list) found that my first book was frustrating her. She has an adult daughter with BPD and found that she and her husband found the way in which I present a model of BPD in “When Hope…” was frustrating. The reason is that they wanted to know immediately about the behavior associated with BPD (such as lying, manipulation, running away, burning bridges, etc.) FIRST, rather than how I present it in “When Hope…” – where I present those symptoms LAST. I do that because I try and re-frame the Non’s understanding of BPD in “When Hope…” This approach just wasn’t working for the member of my list. She decided to reorganize and summarize my work in “When Hope…” and did so without my prompting. She did so to help herself and her husband understand their adult daughter’s behaviors. So, she sent me a copy of her work and I edited it for accuracy, reformatted it and added some additional material that I didn’t put into “When Hope…” The book is such a slim one (like I said 50 pages), that I don’t plan on selling it through Amazon or any other such retailer. Instead you can get either an electronic copy (for $4.00) or a printed copy ($9.95) from Lulu, which is who I use to self-publish my material. Soon, I will set up a google checkout for an electronic copy of this book, like I have with “When Hope is Not Enough” but first things first. If you haven’t read “When Hope is Not Enough” and want a primer/orientation to how you can make your life calmer and easier with someone with BPD. You can try “But I Love You: a Primer for understanding a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder” – and yes, it probably has a few typos, sorry. And yes, I’m sharing profits with the member.  But I Love You Why would you buy my book – over other more popular books like “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and Randi’s new book? The reason is that my book can have a bigger impact on your life than can the others. Why? Because my book focuses on a different aspect of BPD than does these other books. Sure, you could read “One Way Ticket to Kansas” or “Tears and Healing” but ultimately I ask you – what do you wish to do in your relationship? If you want to work it out, read my book. If you want to get divorced, read all those others. Read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” or “Tears and Healing” or “The Essential Guide to BPD” or “One Way Ticket to Kansas” and get divorced. Read my book and work it out. Occasionally, a discussion on my private email list that I feel it would be helpful to share here. I only do it if the discussion is not personal in nature. This discussion is about proper application of the skills in WHINE and how they compare to DBT skills. My list member’s question/comments are indented… my responses are not. Now I have some time to answer these questions and the ones you ask in a later post. Let me start with these.
WHINE is not perfect. It was my best effort at the time and continues to evolve. But I think I put in WHINE what was most effective for ME, as opposed to using DBT skills by rote. I had to adapt them beyond what I learned in DBT-FST class.
That’s a good question. Actually, I think the MAN part of the skill IS applicable to the non. Although it is intended to be a skill for BPs to use to have an effective conversation and ask for what they want. I believe the DEAR is the WHAT to do and the MAN is the HOW to do it.
M – mindfully (ignore distractions and stay on subject) However, in the case of the non, I adapted the tool to make it about the non’s feelings, rather than about asking for what you want. What you are asking for in my version is for a behavior change that would improve your feelings. I think that what nons have to do is become more aware of emotions – both theirs and their BP’s – and become less dependent on rational argument. If you talk about desires in the communication, you might be likely to lean on rational arguments. I tried to craft the tool such that it would “meet in the middle” with a BP. You see, when you start such a conversation, your wife will immediately start to feel judged. She will fear that you are creating “boundaries” (really behavioral rules) for her and that HURTS her. If you make it about your feelings more so than her behavior, then she can’t argue with you – see below for more on that. She also finds that the conversation will not hurt as much. When you talk to her about something “important to you” she’s going to feel dread that you’re going to judge, reject and shame her.
The examining the consequences and facilitating problem-solving is to encourage more effective future behavior in her. You do that when ineffective behavior has arisen as a result of an EDM. It should be done in a GIVE kind of way. “Gentle, Interested, Validating, Easy Manner”. That is the HOW. What I have provided is the WHAT to do. Inserting your feelings is a way of soliciting some sympathy/empathy from your BP – it is about YOU. The complex validation technique (steps 1-6) are about HER – IAAHF. Inserting your feelings is a way to make it IAABOYF (it’s all about both of your feelings). I think one must build trust with validation and, if possible, facilitate effective behavior in HER. Both skills are important, but they have different goals. Obviously, they can be used in conjunction (and I put a conversation in WHINE in which both skills are used).
Yes, the I-AM-MAD tool is a sub-set/summary of the six step validation technique.
Clarify by using normalization statements about your own feelings. I do state that you can’t be argued with and I still believe it. If I say “I feel angry” the only thing that can be argued with or thought to be judgmental is WHY I feel angry – the fact that I DO feel angry can’t be argued with – it is a statement of an internal feeling. She might expect blame and judgment – but that is why I broke the tool up into the different steps. People with BPD understand emotions. She will know how it feels to feel angry, sad, frustrated, scared, etc. Talking to a person with BPD on an emotional level is one that they will instinctively understand. One has to be careful not to have “weasel words” in your statements that indicate judgment. Even better is if you don’t actually judge the person at all, just state what happened. The “inserting your feelings” tool is like a reverse of the validation tool. It is to work on your feelings, not theirs.
I disagree with that. I think that if your show appreciation for a commitment to change behavior that makes a BP think that they are being thoughtful and appreciative/appreciated. A person with BPD LIKES (desperately sometimes) to be liked, apprecaited and wanted. If you can navigate that tool without judgment, I suspect your wife will feel relieved that it wasn’t a dreadful statement of “thou shalt” from you to her. Also, I think “negative consequences” is not reinforcement – it is the threat of punishment. There is an implied positive consquence that you will feel better and thus treat her better – when someone is angry and frustrated they are unlikely to treat another person very well. The problem with real reinforcement at that moment is that reinforcement must occur when the desired behavior is performed (as I say in the reinforcement section) and your wife is not performing the behavior, just committing to perform it in the future.
I have to think more about this idea and maybe more will come. Unfortunately, Ekman’s work on this will not be published until later this year. |
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). I found it incredibly non-judgemental for a book about BPD. Generally, books on the subject either gloss over the distress that relatives of BPs may feel (because it’s not the subject) or are incredibly insensitive in their descriptions of BPs. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciated that your book was not describing me as some cold-blooded monster revealing in torturing others. I was, however, intrigued by the part in which you talk about poor self-esteem in BPs as a pathological trait (I don’t have your book with me right now, so I can’t quote you precisely on this one). There’s one thing about BPs that can’t be denied, they’re poor partner choices. So when I tell my bf something along the lines that he could have done better than me, I think it’s pretty much a realistic perception. I mean – if only a small part of what is written about BPs is true (and in this regard, your book is the cream of the crop of non-judgementalness) it would still be realistic from BPs to think of themselves as poor partners, if not as poor human beings.