Beyond Boundaries Buy the new eBook from Bon. "Beyond Boundaries" is the culmination of five years of research, practice and hard work. It's $18.00 at Google Checkout.
When Hope is Not Enough Buy "When Hope is Not Enough" eBook from Google Checkout (and save $0.50!):
But I Love You Buy "But I Love You" eBook from Google Checkout:
A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons
|
You know all, there’s something weird about the sales of “When Hope is Not Enough” – I have tracked sales each day (because I can and because it matters to me) and I have noticed something decidedly weird about those… I sold an average of 2 books a day for the first 12 days of June… and then nothing. Why? I have no idea. I don’t advertise the book much. Yet, if you look at the sales of other competing books – those seem to be going along fine. I have no idea what happened. I mean from 20,000 in sales rank to 200,000+. Strange. Look you all, this book is helpful. It has helped hundreds of people – almost a thousand at this point. I don’t make a living being Bon… yet if you drink the kool-aid – it works! I could quote the readers (and I will soon) but I’m tired. Hey it’s almost 1 AM. I just don’t get how I sell 2 books a day and then nothing in 2 days. Weird.
 When Hope is Not EnoughGet the Non-BPD book that has helped hundreds! If you have the disorder, give it to you loved ones! It will help.
Ok, after posting about book sales recently and stuff like that, now it’s time for a much more substantive post about BPD. Today, I plan to talk about self-regulation and a new study that points out an intriguing aspect of BPD. There has been much talk in the BPD research and clinical community about the “core” of BPD. Once it was thought to be a personality disorder or even an extreme form of PTSD. Dr. Marsha Linehan (the inventor of DBT) talks about dysregulation in a number of systems, the most important of which (in my interpretation) is the emotional regulation system. People with BPD are extremely emotionally sensitive and subject to emotional “cues” or triggers. They seem to have a less tolerant (in the “controls” sense of the word, meaning more highly sensitive) emotional system. They are triggered more easily and the reactions seem to be more intense and longer-lasting. In “When Hope is Not Enough” I compare this feature to a heat-sensing device and say:
The core problem with BPD is poor emotional regulation. That particular problem can cause other symptoms to arise as the person with BPD becomes emotionally dysregulated. This term emotionally dysregulated (or just dysregulated) is used to denote the state in which a person with BPD is overcome with powerful and, at many times, misaligned emotional reactions. Remember that emotions don’t arise on their own; they are based on cues or triggers from the environment and compared by our “emotional immune system” to the meaning of the cue. For a person with BPD, the meaning can be misjudged or, as is more often the case, the sensitivity to emotional cues is greatly heightened.
An example is a heat-sensing system that helps to detect and suppress fires. Sometimes companies will install heat-sensing equipment in addition to smoke detectors so that they can protect assets that need a certain temperature to operate (e.g. computer equipment which might cease working at a high temperature). The setting at which an alarm goes off might be 80 degrees Fahrenheit. In the case of someone with BPD, the setting (or “tolerance” as it is called in the control community) is naturally set much lower, at say, 50 degrees Fahrenheit. That means that the alarm will be raised much more often and lead to a reaction to the alarm. In other words, people with BPD will experience many, many (what you would consider) false alarms. However, these false alarms seem completely real to them, because their tolerance for emotional triggers is set very low. They are constantly running a fire drill. Unfortunately for you, the BP may drag you along unwillingly and unwittingly for the drill. (Pages 32-33 of WHINE)
As you can see, the position I take in WHINE is that emotional regulation is the “core issue” of BPD. This position is in line with the DBT way of thinking, which is why one of the “modules” of DBT is emotional regulation skills.
The question is today: is emotional regulation at the “core” of BPD? Or does it go deeper than that? Is there a “cause” for emotional regulation? What are the triggers and how does a person with BPD’s internal feelings affect this “systems dysregulation”?
In the American Journal of Psychiatry, Drs. Stanley and Siever recently (January 2010) publish an article entitled “The Interpersonal Dimension of Borderline Personality Disorder: Toward a Neuropeptide Model “ in which they seem to posit (in my interpretation again, since I am a lay person and not a doctor) that this systems dysregulation actually has another cause instead of being a “core cause’ of the disorder. They begin the article like this:
Borderline personality disorder is a complex disorder associated with substantial morbidity, mortality, and public health costs. Prominent symptoms include suicidal behavior, nonsuicidal self-injury, aggressive outbursts, and emotional reactivity, all of which typically manifest in an interpersonal context. For several years, there has been an ongoing discussion about whether impulsive aggression or affective dysregulation is at the core of the disorder. While these factors are important in borderline personality disorder, it is the exquisite interpersonal sensitivity that frequently triggers both dysregulated affect and impulsive behaviors, which suggests that this sensitivity perhaps rests at the core of the disorder and may in turn drive impulsivity and dysregulated affect.
Update to my previous post about “When Hope is Not Enough” being number 10 on the Lulu-published Amazon sales list. Well, today WHINE hit #5 on the June list. Again, thanks all. I appreciate it. It appears that the book is becoming more popular. I have happy about getting the message out!
 When Hope is Not Enough Hits #5 on Lulu/Amazon List When Hope is Not EnoughGet the Non-BPD book that has helped hundreds! If you have the disorder, give it to you loved ones! It will help.
Apparently, “When Hope is Not Enough” is available for the iPad now. I don’t have one, so I can’t share it or whatever you do with those things. But this week, I got an unexpected boon from Lulu regarding my sales from last month. I sold 13 copies of my book in the iPad format.
Today, my book When Hope is Not Enough cracked the top ten (at #10) on the Amazon sales list for books published through Lulu. Thanks all! I “hope” the book will help each of you.
 When Hope is Not Enough reaches number 10 for May sales Lulu books
Here is a way cool Amazon sales rank tool that includes number of copies sold. Thanks Novel Rank!
http://www.novelrank.com/title/when-hope-is-not-enough-paperback
Because it is now 10 years old, New Harbinger has decided to publish a second edition of Stop Walking on Eggshells (aka SWOE). I read the first version of SWOE in October of 2005 and re-read it last year just to make sure that my impressions of the book were not rusty. SWOE is by far the most successful self-help book for Non-BPD people (loved ones of people with Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD). Just about everyone on my email support list (the ATSTP list) has read it.
I wanted to post a couple of observations about the new edition as well as some of the experiences that I and others have had with the book. My basic feeling about the book is that it is NOT a book to be used for staying with someone with BPD. SWOE is a book about YOU and YOUR feelings. It is a book that placates the Non-BPD person. That is fine, since that is the audience of the authors (which is probably why it has sold so many copies that and because it has a great title), yet people must realize that SWOE can’t be used to engender a trusting, loving relationship with someone with BPD. The evidence of this is in the subtitle: Taking back your life when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder. This is what I have observed from users of SWOE and the methods contained therein: sure, you take your life back, but the relationship with the person you care about with BPD is wrecked.
Why?
Because SWOE is all about you. It is understandable that the authors created a book like this. I mean, how many of us Nons have asked “what about me?” Probably all of us. That’s a very natural question.
Yet, if the relationship is going to work properly, one of the first things that one must accept is that the behavior of the person with BPD is not about you.
What New Harbinger did with this new version of SWOE is that they highlighted the “angry non” aspect of the book. How? Look at the following images from the new version of SWOE:
As you can see, New Harbinger highlights the aspects of:
- manipulation
- irrational rages
- that YOU are not crazy
- chaos
- standing up for yourself
- protecting yourself
…which again is all very well and good if your goal in the relationship is to punish the other person and to make them behave. What really happens though is that the relationship will come to a screeching halt (or just get worse and worse) if you take this approach.
I know this because I tried it, as did several other husbands of wives with BPD and found (almost universally) that things get better for a while. SWOE CAN modify the BP’s behavior, but only through threats and punishment (which SWOE calls “boundaries”). Threats and punishment WORK, but only for a short period of time. When I applied the things in SWOE to my relationship, things got better for about a month or so. Then things got decidedly worse. The reason is that my wife was responding initially to the threat of punishment. However, those threats did not change her feelings or thoughts in any way. Only through positive reinforcement did she start to behave better. SWOE doesn’t teach positive reinforcement. And even positive reinforcement doesn’t change the way someone with BPD feels. That is done through a change in thinking patterns. You can take step one toward building a trusting, loving relationship with my book When Hope is Not Enough. Although the SWOE crowd don’t place much stock in it, it really works toward building a better relationship.
When Hope is Not EnoughGet the Non-BPD book that has helped hundreds! If you have the disorder, give it to you loved ones! It will help. Additionally, if one wants to really change the relationship and build it into a more trusting, loving one, what ultimately has to change is the way one thinks (both the person with BPD and the Non-BPD). Approaching the relationship with a “I’m not crazy, you’re the one that’s crazy” attitude, which IMO SWOE advocates, will never improve the interpersonal relationship. If you want to know how to take step two and change the thinking, try my eBook Beyond Boundaries:
 | New! An eBook that can help you in your relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Beyond Boundaries is the next step in the evolution of the Non-BPD/BPD relationship. |
I think one has to ask oneself – what is the goal of what I am doing? If the goal is to make yourself feel better and more in control, regardless of what the other person feels, SWOE is a good candidate for you. If you want to build a relationship built on mutual understanding and trust, you will have to look elsewhere.
If you still want to give the new version of SWOE a whirl, have at it…
 Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
 What is your goal? I have recently made a realization about the other Non-BP writers and myself. I realized that our goals are completely different. When reading other books about being a loved one of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (mainly those written by lay people, as opposed to professionals), I have found that essentially we fall into three categories. These categories are:
Those that are chiefly concerned with stopping the emotional abuse doled out by the person with BPD. This category is the largest of the three. Most books written about being a loved one of someone with BPD fall into this category. These books include: “Tears and Healing”, “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, “The Essential Family Guide”, “The Siren’s Song”, “Loving and Loathing”, “One Way Ticket to Kansas” and others. Typically these are written by ex-spouses as guides to getting out of emotionally abusive situations and protecting oneself from emotional abuse. Most of these have an emphasis on boundaries or limits, tough love and abusive dynamics (such as the victim-rescuer-perpetrator triangle or Stockholm Syndrome). If your goal is to stop the abuse directed at you from your loved one with BPD, I believe reading these books can help you do that; however, I don’t think you should expect to keep the relationship and, if you do keep the relationship, I wouldn’t expect that it would grow to be a close, loving relationship. The tools and techniques in these books will not help you build such a relationship with someone with BPD.
Those that are written by people who have recovered from BPD and wish to promote a better understanding of the disorder. These books include those by Rachel Reiland, A.J. Mahari, Tami Green and others. I find these books to be helpful for the intended purpose. It certainly helps a loved one understand what it feels like to have the disorder. However, I also find that many of these books are short on what a loved one can do to build a loving relationship with a person with BPD. These books are inspirational for people who want to recover from BPD, but I don’t feel they provide the complete picture when it comes to the loved ones.
Those that promote an effective, skillful path to building a loving relationship with someone with BPD. As far as I can tell, I am the only “lay person” in this category. There are some professional books, such as “New Hope for BPD,” which attempt to achieve this goal, but no other first-hand experience books that I have found other than my two books, “When Hope is Not Enough” and “But I Love You”. If your goal is staying with your loved one with BPD and building a loving, compassionate relationship, I think I am your only choice.
I implore you to consider your goals and choose your path accordingly.
 Modes of Thinking I was thinking about it and discovered the following ways of thinking (there be may be more, but this is what I have for now). I am sharing this as a first look into where I am going with my latest book on achieving psychological, cognitive and emotional freedom in your life.
“If only”
If only is a way of thinking in which the person says to themselves “I would be happy or content, if only a certain thing occurred or if only I had a certain thing.” It is a way of objecting to the unfairness of the world. It is a form of projective, delusional thinking… Like, “if only I won the lottery I would be happy” or “if only my partner would have sex with me more, I’d be happy”… Etc. It is equivalent to asking oneself “If I could have one thing/state, I’d be ok”
“What if”
What if is different than “if only” because “what if” can be either positive or negative. What if can stimulate alternate views on the future and it can also be a substitute for “if only”. If used as an iterative testing framework, “what if” can help a person understand the possible outcome of variable changes. However, one must not assume the outcome of a “what if” – sometimes, because of the complexity of variable conditions, changing one variable could lead to unexpected outcomes.
“As if”
“As if” is an engagement of pretend mode in which some pretends as if they know something or something exists when they have no insight into the subject matter – they don’t get it – they merely bullshit their way through “as if” they get it.
“As is”
“As is” is a way of accepting reality as is and not struggling against that over which you have no control or that which you can not change. As is accepts that which is as it is and changes that which can be changed.
One piece of advice that I would provide to partners of people with BPD is that if you can’t accept the person “as is” and love them for what they are, it is most likely never going to work out in the long run. If you can’t accept them “as is” and consider any changes in the relationship or in their behavior as a bonus, then you are actually engaging in “if only” thinking.
The other day I received a nice comment from a woman with BPD. She told me that she was planning on revealing to her long time significant other that she has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She said that she was planning on giving him 2 books – “When Hope is Not Enough” (my book) and “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me”. She was hoping that her SO will better understand her by reading these. Personally, I was flattered. To have my book used in that way makes me quite gratified.
Here is a quote from the end of her message to me:
Another thing that I really appreciated about your book is that it’s both empathetic for the person with BPD and for those around him (sorry, not buying your “her” pronoun  ). I found it incredibly non-judgemental for a book about BPD. Generally, books on the subject either gloss over the distress that relatives of BPs may feel (because it’s not the subject) or are incredibly insensitive in their descriptions of BPs. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciated that your book was not describing me as some cold-blooded monster revealing in torturing others. I was, however, intrigued by the part in which you talk about poor self-esteem in BPs as a pathological trait (I don’t have your book with me right now, so I can’t quote you precisely on this one). There’s one thing about BPs that can’t be denied, they’re poor partner choices. So when I tell my bf something along the lines that he could have done better than me, I think it’s pretty much a realistic perception. I mean – if only a small part of what is written about BPs is true (and in this regard, your book is the cream of the crop of non-judgementalness) it would still be realistic from BPs to think of themselves as poor partners, if not as poor human beings.
So, that was about it. Congratulations for the good job.
As you can see by her kind words, here is someone with BPD feeling that “When Hope is Not Enough” is empathetic and non-judgmental which was exactly my intention when writing the book. If you have BPD and want a book to help explain to your loved ones… “When Hope is Not Enough” is an excellent choice. Although it is short, it is dense and packed with information. I’d have to say “But I Love You” which is my shorter guide for loved ones of people with BPD is probably not quite as empathetic and non-judgmental as “When Hope is Not Enough”.
|
