It seems that being single, with no hope of ever having a stable, fulfilling relationship, is always the default position. If only history is considered, I would agree. Unfortunately for those who are misinformed and ignorant of the possibilities, you can’t see that you don’t know what you don’t know.

The guilt and self loathing that drives you to prove your self worth, without ever attaining it, is a huge deceit. You actually are all the wonderful things you have done, you just don’t feel like it. So, if the facts are what they are, but you don’t feel they are true, your emotions are lying to you.

So then, the real question is, why don’t your feelings match up with your reality? The journey to that answer is the one thats been waiting for you. You can’t hide from yourself, so why not confront what needs to be confronted?

At any age, there’s lots of life and love out there. Yeah, I know, but its not available to you, right? Wrong. Its all available when you actively confront and deal effectively with disordered neuro pathways. They won’t go anywhere on their own. But, they will change if you want to and make the effort.

I can do this because of guilt and self-loathing. I can’t kill myself until my parents die. Having people think I’m good makes me feel better about myself. I know what I need to do and I hate myself if I don’t…even when I need several drinks just to be able to look someone in the eye.

I’ll look forward to hearing from you…..

Markos

Bon sent me your email, and have sent you my address. Be in touch as you wish….. thanks again, Bon……..

Thank you very much for your offer of help and for being willing to share your experience and information. I sent a message via the Contact link/form with my email address requesting that you be provided with my contact information. I am hoping that the contact form information goes to Bon as I could not find any email address for him.

Again, thank you, and I look forward to communicating with you in the future.

Pardon me while I smile a bit at the fateful end to what was undoubtedly a wonderful missive. I’ve experienced the same and it simply is what it is.

But, I get the drift quite well. And my response has been the same argument for a couple of years. If you read the first post on this page from 2 years ago, I was saying the same thing.

I had dinner last night with a filmmaker after he screened a couple of segments of his documentary on BPD for a relevant group. He asked me for my thoughts. I queried him the with the same sentiment I’ve had. Why are the BPDs he interviewed, who have been through DBT, Mentalization, TBT, Analysis, and whatever….. still anxious, still melting down (albeit, not as bad), and still unable to sustain peaceful yet exciting intimacies? He has wondered the same. Why doesn’t anyone find happiness? Why, indeed…… as I am now happy all the time.

So, we had a long conversation about what it takes to find the peace of mind that comes with a secure sense of self, and why the mental health industry is not equipped to take you there. Its a long story, so I’ll cut to the chase.

I started a book club a while back because others from various support groups wanted to know how I got there. The path I took went through a lot of thought and a variety of titles; a few about BPD, but most were relevant to what creates healthy and unhealthy minds. Like any other illness, you have to get to the bottom line if you want to find effective resolution. Most are so tied up in the manifestations, they simply never ask the right questions.

I have lead both borderlines and families through those questions and answers. Some follow through and find their peace, some are afraid and do not. Recently, I’ve been asked to develop programs based on those questions and answers; which is now under way. There will be an online component….. probably what you are looking for.

I’m happy to lay out the landscape for anyone who feels they would benefit. Feel free to get in touch by writing Bon an email he can then send to me. So don’t throw your laptop out of the window quite yet…….

Markos

I feel like throwing my laptop out the window, a little rage here. I just wrote the longest letter to you explaining soooo much, so much thought, time, and feeling went into it that I could never remember what I said! And then just lost the whole letter. I am so frustrated!!!!! Basically, I’ve been begging for help for YEARS, I’m blunt about how I feel and what I need——-What I wrote previously was more detailed and a bit more fluid! Am I scared of the commitment it takes to get better–hell yea! Am I scared of getting better–hell no!! I’ve begged therapists- DBT’s, to give me something to do, homework-really ANYTHING to get something accomplished! A couple of print offs about self image, cognitive thinking, positive verbal direction! Yea, ok I’ve read these a hundred times, now what. Then there is no discussion about them???

I’ve read books to help me understand, ok, now what?? I am so sick of nobody ever telling me how to take a step-of any kind… I’m sorry I’m so angry, I really felt as if I accomplished something in my first letter-I felt relief after I wrote it-then it’s just GONE! I’m still shaking over it…..I’m sorry about the neg. energy of what I’m writing now.

I’m sorry also that I’m using this sight that I stumbled across, I started reading and was drawn in because finally I heard positives and compassion and possible solutions. Not easy to find about BPD, for me anyway. But, when I googled Bon, I read that this was the place to go if you have a loved one with BPD not actual borderlines themselves. So, now I really don’t know where to go–is there a different group I’m supposed to go???
Karen

You guys need a good therapist who is familiar with the typical BPD transactions you cycle through. What you describe will continue indefinitely until you intervene by seeking help, or someone leaves. You both create the resistance the other needs to keep the defenses in place.

The BPD wife of a man who attends a support group I coordinate left her husband of 20 years and 5 children. He ‘lived with’ her illness, and the life that gave him, never looking for resolution. If you do not get the help you need, you may have to live with the consequence of inaction.

Verbally abusing me again in front of our children then blaming me and all around her for her problems.

She then goes running off playing “poor me”, look what he has done now, can you help me my husband is so bad.

Next week it will be “Why can’t we just be friends”!!

DBT is all about managing the emotional symptoms to a point where the desperation is alleviated. Certainly not a bad start, but it is just a start. A few of the previous comments were to the same effect as yours. The psycho-psychiatric industry is doing the best they can with little knowledge of what BPD is actually all about. And most with BPD don’t want to go there either. The disorder is their defense.

There is real peace, without emptiness, and with a very strong and secure sense of self; without grandiosity. It is a process of education, awareness, and disciplined application. You have to want it bad enough to be vulnerable, uncomfortable, and determined to follow through.

J-9 above, asked me how I did it. I offered to tell her if he/she got in touch through Bonn. Never did. I think most identify with their disorder to whatever degree, and they are afraid of the unknown of being well; and being at peace. Disorder, and its adrenaline, is the only identity they’ve known. This has been the case with a few I’ve mentored, sad as the result is.

I can tell you, resolution is worth the trip. Only you can decide its time. If you are miserable enough, you might be ready. But as I think you know, only the deeper work will get the job done, and keep it done.

Markos

There are only a few therapists around who can understand the reasons why you feel hopeless and full of despair. Mine told me once the aloneness borderlines feel is existential in nature; which is not something a manual can address, or something many can relate to.

But there are those of us who have been there, and found the path to peace. When you become aware of the depth at which you must deal with your issues, and are not satisfied with mere comfort, management, strategy, or coping skills……. count yourself lucky that acting no longer works, and you are probably ready to do the real work. Like most, you need a guiding hand.

You won’t find the deeper answers you want in one place quite yet, but they are there now; like a puzzle, waiting for your beautifully sensitive, however disordered mind to piece them together.

Please understand there is a difference between Karen, and Karen’s disorder. Karen doesn’t have a palpable void at the center of her core, but Karen’s disorder has created a perception of it that feels very real. You can’t know the difference because you have experienced only the disordered version, so its impossible to imagine. The journey is to remove the spider web of defenses that don’t allow you the security and serenity of simply accepting and being yourself. Yeah, I know, who is that?

More help is on the way. A program is in development where recovered borderlines will help guide and mentor those who wish to be. In the mean time, find a smart, centered, and compassionate therapist, who is willing to challenge your perceptions. If you are into reading, its all out there in bits and pieces. Awareness is the ticket, and education teaches you what to be aware of…….

Wow. Rarely do I see a message with this feeling behind it. I would suggest you try to find a DBT therapist in your area. It’s not easy to find one, yet they can help with the desperation. Best if luck.

Bon

This person alternated between fear of abandonment, a desire to merge and then a fear of engulfment and a need for independence.

They alternated from having no sense of self to feeling that they are better than everyone else.

Obscessed by appearance.

One minute they feel worthless and the next they feel a huge sence of entitlement.

Accept no responsibility, blames everyone, never commited to therapy. Worked for several years blamed her boss, working conditions, co-workers. Felt she was better than them all.

They has made false accusations of domestic violence, abuse and child abuse against me.

I realise they have a mental health problems and behavious are a coping mechanism. The sad reality is the damaging effect themself, family and children.

Has been seen by two experiences psychologists but remains undiagnosed. One feels the likely diagnosis is uBPD with some NPD traits and the other uNPD with some BPD traits.

Father is a uNPD and mother uBPD.

Genetics and family environment can produce indeviduals with both NPD and BPD patterns of behaviour. They have been present in our time together for over 20 years.

To normal people they are considered “odd”, “not right”, “different”, “of but would not chose ato be their friend”

I agree this combination is not see by mental health professionals as they are subclinical. They do not cut or threaten suicide. In many ways the NPD element counter balance the BPD traits. Bothor either can be expressed ant any time.

This is a devastating combination for family members. It does exist. I am not suprised doubt it’s existance. You have to live it to understand it.

I realize my response to your questions would seem a bit generic. I am forced to write in generalities because the path for each must be tailored to meet each person where they are.

If you would like specifics, it would be more appropriate to explore that arena off the public airways. If you wish, feel free to get in touch with me through Bons email.

The questions you are asking are quite relevant to remitting the disorder. Being able to see and understand the difference between management and resolution is very important to taking further steps. Wanting a deep sense of peace about who you are and your place in life itself is a prerequisite; which is far beyond learning skill sets and coping mechanisms to help you get through the day, month, and year.

To affect resolution, as I mentioned to Martin, you really have to want it. The process has many layers, that, each of the known therapies touch on…… which, is why your foray into DBT had only a partial effect; especially after a mere 3 months. You have to want resolution to stick with the process, which is much broader than DBT or any other single therapy. So, I agree that you haven’t found the ‘right thing to try;’ as it isn’t simply one thing.

To answer the next question…… yes, I do act as a mentor to many BPDs who really want to find a path out of the swamp of emotional pain, and are willing to do the work to get there.

I am very intriqued by your comments regarding having cured yourself of the pain of BPD (if I understand what you are staying correctly). I was diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder about 11 years ago. I actually first diagnosed myself; I was researching why I had such intense problems with abandonment when I came across information about BPD and it seemed to “fit.” I found a research study being conducted and was assessed by the research team for inclusion into the study. I was found after a lengthy intake assessment to have BPD. Here is the study I participated in:

http://nyp.org/news/hospital/bpd-collaboration.html

I was assigned into the DBT portion of the study. For reasons that are too involved to delve into here, I dropped out after 3 months. I did find the DBT helpful for reducing my reactivity to the emotional pain I experience.

I’ve come to question whether I had/have BPD at all. I do not believe this is due to any denial on my part or any attempt at not taking responsibility for change. I was the one who recognized I had a problem and searched out answers; I had no difficulties accepting a diagnosis of BPD if it helped explain what was happening with me and if it gave me some hope for finding a solution. As with why I dropped out of the study, my reasons for my current perspective that I may not have BPD after all would take some time to explain so I will refrain.

Regardless of whether I did/do have BPD or not, I most certainly continue to suffer from intense abandonment anxiety and preoccupation with abandonment. I still have very intense episodes of emotional pain that can be triggered; once triggered, it is difficult to work my way out of it, I sort of have to ride it out. As Bon has pointed out in his posts, not acting out on the pain seems to be the primary goal of many treatments, but the pain remains. While I don’t harm myself or others when it occurs, it is very draining emotionally and takes an incredible amount of time and effort to work through until I’m at a point where I’m ok.

I try to be fiercly honest with myself (I suppose to the extent that anyone can, especially someone with a personality disorder if that should be the case lol) and have no issues with examining aspects of myself I do not like. To date my inability to eradicate myself of this pain is not for lack of trying…perhaps I just haven’t found the right thing to try. I’d greatly appreciate it if you could provide some guidance or information on how you managed your cure. Was it a form of self help or a specific type of therapy? Is it something you can instruct others in? Any information would be much appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

The problem with the psyche assessment for HF BPDs is the very nature of the assessment. The markers for BPD are biased toward low to mid functioning BPD, which presents very different than high functioning. Nothing came to the surface in my neuro psyche/personality testing, though clearly there was something very wrong. It is only those closest to the HF BPD that know the depth of the issues; within the context of a broad, externally validated, high functioning life.

Most HF BPDs hold their pain beneath the surface until the tediously balanced equilibriums of their compartmentalized lives become unglued by external factors; then allowing the floodgates of buried emotion to open. The abandonment of a break up, or the threat of it, is the most likely initiative.

The question is, do you want to figure out the puzzle of your mind and find real peace, or do you want to rebuild those anxious equilibriums, and manage the illness. You are right about taking responsibility, and you are the only one that can. The extreme breakdown will be waiting, once again, behind the rebuilt walls.

Actually, I would ask you to carefully consider your comment about feeling your life has no meaning; and the extreme issues being behind you. The crisis of the moment may have passed, but the enduring feeling of meaninglessness remains. It is the source of that feeling that you have to deal with, both intellectually and emotionally, to remit the disorder. Again, how much to you want to have a mind and life that is peaceful and content? It takes a real commitment to do the real work.

I had a psyche assessment by an expert in PD’s (I’m told), and she told me I really didn’t fit in to the normal BPD experience at all. I had a lot of the problems that are typical of the BPD experience especially in relationships and sticking down a job, problems with self image etc. But what I call my breakdown almost unleashed an inner hell. She did wonder whether my experience was just that of a high functioning BPD who failed to cope with the stress of a breaking up relationship or whether it wasn’t true BPD at all. Interesting really.

It is strange, in a sense diagnosis of BPD explained so much of how disordered I knew I was and it was comforting. I felt understood and safe in a way as I had been reflecting on much of my behaviour both before and during/after the breakdown. So your comment about “how bad do you want to not have a disorder” is a very pertinent question. It is almost like saying “Do I want to be responsible for my life?”. To be completely honest with you I’m not sure if I do. I think the extreme element of my mental health is behind me and I am calming as time goes by. My life has no meaning to me, I have no interests in life and I feel that I am not really living. This is obviously a bad state to be in and actually wrong. This is why I feel I still need to work through more therapy. I had a 2 year psychodynamic therapy program that I got a lot out of but I think that I have still things to work through.

Just think that this comment is right on. This is exactly the situation I feel I am in. Well stated!

I have experienced someone with NPD and there is clearly a lot of overlap and similarity probably with a lot of PDs. My experience of NPD is of a massively manipulative person craving importance and recognition. Everything seems to be about them and they seem to be unable to accept responsibility for any action that doesn’t paint them well. I guess it is impossible for us BPDs to see ourselves as others see us and seeing another PD was a real eyeopener for me. I guess there are lots of different ways for a bottomed out self esteem to make itself known.

If you have not exhibited at least 5 of the 9 attributes over a sustained period of time, you are probably not a borderline. Although, being raised by one, you could not escape picking up some of the idiosyncrasies. But having idiosyncrasies and/or dysfunctionality, is not a disorder. Disorder is a parallel universe that is interwoven with reality. There must have been enough mitigating influences that brought enough stability, for you to retain a strong reference to an ordered and realistic grasp of the truth. If you didn’t, you’d know it. The fear and frustration of disordered perception is unmistakable.

I’m so glad you missed that train, and meds have been able to take care of your business. You are right, though meds can sometimes help, they alone won’t help anyone to a centered sense of self, borderline or otherwise. That will remain the task of dealing with the wounds and defenses of deficient nurturing, identifying the resulting and entrenched disordered processing; and with discipline and determination, learn how think and relate to ourselves and the world around us in a completely different way than we have ever known.

The dialectical thinking of DBT and the reflection of Mentalization are two very important skills for anyone, and imperative for the BPD. But they will not, by themselves, remit the illness. A full recovery is a much broader and deeper path; and unfortunately, one that is thought to be practically impossible by far too many in the mental health field. It is, quite possible.

So many pros simply don’t know what they don’t know. And they seem to be content enough with what they do know to refrain from acknowledging questions and answers that have already been posed, resolved, and documented. And what a shame as many would love to do the work to reach a higher bar, and leave behind their life of disorder; if only they knew how, or had a guide to take them there.

Its a peaceful, happy, connected, loving, and thoughtful life on the other side; without the need to project, blame or analyze anything. Imagine that, a wonderful life.

So how is someone like myself categorized? As “once a borderline, always a borderline”, a recovered borderline who still has PTSD issues, or a highly functioning borderline? I seem to be in the nowhere zone. Borderlines are depicted by the research community as such “evil” individuals – why would anyone want to own up to that label? I certainly don’t – but I can see the childhood connection.

My point is: I believe the clinical/research is wrong to assume that all borderlines are alike – that even if they go through DBT, they will always be borderline. While they may continue having psychological “issues”, it might not, in fact, manifest in negative, destructive behavior or have a major impact throughout their lives. I guess, I’m saying, is there is hope. Those who can work through these issues, I believe, may turn out more resilient and healthier than most anyone else that does not have a mental disorder. Most people are not self reflective – instead go through life without really looking at who they are and examining their own issues. Borderlines do not have this luxury if they want to work through borderline issues. I takes a lot of work. So those researchers/clinicians who do not recognize this as a possibilty, do a disservice.

Also: something that was not mentioned in the article – medication can make a HUGE difference (especially in managing anger). So should we presume that someone on meds, whose mood swings and depression have stabilized is really lumped in a category with borderlines in general? The DSM IV criteria, no longer necessarily applies if borderline behavior is no longer exhibited – no self harm, no suicidal gestures. Medication is the number one thing that turned my life around. Lithium is GOD – I would never trade that for DBT – which never worked for me.

And yet, a peaceful, quiet mind would be the barometer.

There are very effective ways to approach the HF BPD, but you have to bring your A game. They can charm most therapists and then run rings around them, being the entertainment for an hour; with no further therapy indicated. That is, unless the right questions are asked, cutting through the very well rehearsed persona.

Even a slight admission is quickly hidden, so, anyone who can play a role must be way out in front of the strategies. Which is why so little is known about the HF BPD animal, hiding in the plain sight of their success.

I feel bad for your son and his wife, I hope they will both get the help they need.

Sometimes it is very helpful for others to be fully aware of a possible diagnosis because many Borderlines, especially those with higher IQs, will have to be convinced. As I’ve written before, high IQ BPDs can run circles around most therapists, which of course gets them nowhere but still defended.

Usually, it isn’t until life comes apart through loss, sickness, injury, or enough years of misery, when the narcissistic walls tumble and we become open to different ideas…… and eventually, different neural pathways. But, we must learn what that looks like, and how to get there, from others who have walked the walk. Only another borderline can know what its like.

Try to find a good therapist who has dealt with other BPDs, who is committed to more that just coping mechanisms. Coming out of the cloud of disorder is decidedly uncomfortable at best, terrifying at worst, but doable. You have the vocabulary from your MA in Psych, you need someone to teach you how to use in when observing your own thought processes, and apply what you know, to discover alternatives. It is you that must want to be different, and you that must do the work; but the right help and support system is what makes the journey possible.

It took a friend of mine who is a lawyer for a major corporation, who also has a MA in Psych, about 6 months of intense awareness, a lot of rage, and more observation to begin to see her thoughts, and understand the nature of her transferences, in real time. She can now make decisions about what she thinks, says, and acts, based on what she knows about what she feels, and is not imprisoned by dyfunctional emotions.

It will be a while before therapists really know what is going on, so hopefully you have one who is both empathetic with your true self, and tough on what is disordered. After you know what you are looking for through education, awareness, discipline and determination will take you there.

Markos

Your case helps illustrate my point of functioning. It has nothing to do with IQ. It has to do with what’s at stake emotionally in regards to attachment. Breaking down at home and functioning at work is normal if you have emotional regulation issues. If you read my update to this post (referenced at the top of the message) you will see what I am expressing here. My problem is that many books and Internet sites cling to the “high” vs “low functioning” BPD concept, when, in reality, what you describe is normal. Only a therapist can help, yes, however, family members can be helpful too if they truly understand the disorder and have proper communication skills.

Bon

What I couldn’t understand is that I have read in various places on the internet that BPD can be co-morbid ie it can exist with other personality disorders and in particular NPD, within a person.

I thought this was a common, well known and researched ‘fact’? Even A J Mahari talks about the narcissistic element in the bpd, in her writings.

Hence, it was of no suprise to me that many women said that their bpd partners showed a lot of the NPD characteristics.

I went out with a guy who ticked every box you could tick for the characteristics of bpd. EVERY box! He seemed to be the poster boy for bpd. However, he also ‘fluctuated’ from being very unsure and needy to deluding himself he was the best, the brightest, no-one knew like him, his girlfriend was better looking than the girlfriends of his friends, etc….. and having a delusional and disconnected ‘arrogance’ about him. He was held hostage by his ‘ego’ in many ways.

His ‘needs’ and what he wanted/feared totally outweighed and blocked out any possibiblity of any ‘real’ giving to another.

When treatment is applied and successful to whatever degree, the brain activity is no longer ‘wasted’ in addressing mid brain fear and consequent confusion, which allows for greater neuro transmission in the frontal cortex, where IQ can actually be utilized.

The highest functioning can create their own safe zone of support which serves the same purpose, when vulnerability is controlled. It is sad, as most believe their cleaver manipulation is what life is about.

I spoke this afternoon a consequence of just such a situation. The 15 year old daughter of a very high BPD mother, who is a partner in a law firm, said it is her job to nurture her mother. Which is exactly why her mother wanted custody. The sole purpose, of course, was to ally the mother’s fear of being alone, and control a source of nurturing. The high functioning BPD will always find a way to meet their needs without addressing the real problem. And usually at the cost of anyone else’s emotional needs. The daughter’s life is a mess. At least she now knows why.

A true recovery means that new neuro pathways have opened and the brain has rewired itself to exist in any environment without dysregulated, reactive responses.

The distinction between high, mid, or low functioning is not in what the BPD does or doesn’t feel. The feelings are all the same. The difference is in how the BP reacts to those feelings. The variables are many, but a hefty IQ gives the high functioning BP the ability to create believable options in a situation where a low functioning would simply melt down. Typically, the high functioning will only be visible to a significant other, and perhaps their children, or a confidant very close to the relationship. Everyone else will know them as Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, usually doing more than 5 nons could ever hope to accomplish, proving their self worth.

Low functioning BP’s are what the medical community is used to seeing. High’s rarely seek help and if they do, to their own demise, they run rings around all but the most astute therapists.

Very high function BPs will rarely melt down, as they are harshly self critical and very disciplined. It is a lot of work to maintain the appearance of a perfect façade. Some situations are harder than others, but that high IQ can usually figure out a workaround for most.

Recovery is about letting go of all of the above and living in and accepting the simplicity of reality as it actually is, dealing with it all; good, bad; or indifferent. From such a place, digression is no longer a necessity.

In other words, there is sadly nothing that does not say that a relatively “high-functioning” BPD sufferer may not have a day, a month, a year, where he/she breaks and becomes “low-functioning”. As such, I would say that this is the reason there is no official diagnostic separation of the two. In this way perhaps the true introduction should not be “Hello, I am the spouse of a high-functioning BP”, but instead “Hello, I am the spouse of a CURRENTLY high-functioning BP”.

My ex husband tried to convince me I have / had BPD. When we were married, I suspected that he wasn’t always telling the truth and in fact caught him lying many times. We had many intense fights (BPD characteristic no. 6?) and when we weren’t fighting, there were times when I felt anxious and needed to be assured that he loved me, there were no others, that he wasn’t lying to me and that I was the love of his life (BPD characteristic no. 1?). There were times when we were happy and “in love”, I felt lucky and thought he was wonderful and other times when I had these dark moods, when I was sure that something was not right and we fight (BPD characterisctic 2 – “splitting”?). I should also mention that many times, he started the fights unprovoked by me – he had a bad temper and I was often “walking on eggshells” myself.

However, for the reasons I mentioned, he “diagnosed” me as a BPD. I guess he would call it a high-functioning BPD because it did not affect my work or any other relationship, either with family, friends or colleagues. In fact I function very well at work and have a demanding and high-flying career.

The fact is, I found out a couple of years into our marriage that he had been married before me and still was, i.e. he was committing bigamy and leading a double life. He was also stealing money from me to support his wife (he was unemployed for years). I had no idea he had even been married before.

Now he is facing the possibility of being convicted and sentenced to prison according to the laws of my country, and he will probably use my “BPD” as his defense reason. I think he would argue that he was not functioning well mentally because of my disorder and hence was not able to do the right thing.

I read your article with interest because I don’t have any of the characteristics of NPD and I don’t have any of the other characteristics of BPD that you’ve listed. I have also not had any of the issues I’ve had in the relationship with my ex with anyone else. I am currently in a new relationship which has lasted for 2 years (we are now married) and we have had no issues at all. No fights, no fear of abandonment, no unstable moods, no anxiety, no “splitting”, etc. Is BPD something that can come and go depending on whom I am with?

Thanks – any further insight I could get on this would be helpful.

I am having real issues with my roommate, who I am desperately trying to be kind to and understand, but who is exhibiting ALL of the behaviors of NPD. It is very hard to deal with her and because of her symptoms she displays, she keeps people at bay, and so I am the only one around at the end of the day to pick up the pieces. She is constantly needing praise, is arrogant, haughty, has an ideal of what love is and should be, is a binge eater and is morbidly obese, and she honestly displays everything mentioned above according to the NPD symptoms. She has told me in the past that when she is upset or annoyed with someone, she will hold it in for months, perhaps years, and then finally lash out with unbridled fury toward people. This concerns me very much as I would be completely unaware of her true feelings toward me and I fear she could lash out at me if I were to annoy or bother her over the course of a few months/years. She lives two states away from her immediate family and has no connection to them except for by phone, etc.

Of course, I cannot ever be certain if she is actually NPD because she is only my roommate and it was suggested that it wouldn’t be wise to alert someone of this kind of disorder, but how would I handle this situation sensitively? Should I ask her to move out and suggest she seek help? Her personality is so abrasive, but in a passive way for the most part. She doesn’t understand social cues, non-verbal communication, etc. I am a teacher of students with disabilities and also work closely with those who are high functioning autistic, so I have some background in identifying those with high functioning autism, but I believe she is more borderline autistic and more NPD. She is truly pushing me away, but I feel a great deal of guilt and sadness when I think of asking her to move out. Will she lash out at me? Will she become suicidal? She really doesn’t have anyone to help her, except uncles or aunts and I know, for a fact, that she drives them all crazy. I am a very religious person and feel I can do her a service, but how? Should I talk to my pastor/minister and seek advice?

I have really been trying to pin down why my roommate is so “different” from other people, did some more digging past just “high functioning autism” and found this sight. I am at my wit’s end. Can someone please give me some frank, constructive advice? Should I ask her to move out before I say things I will regret that may harm her rather than do her good? HELP!!!!!