My first question…. is your ex girlfriend also your daughter’s mother? Everything you have written is how the BPD story goes with high functioning. Being cut off is not at all unusual, and having her show up again a year later could also happen, but unlikely. You won’t find much in the literature on HF BPD, because they function too well to end up in psychologist’s offices….. until they hit a big snag…… and the carefully constructed equilibriums fall apart. Sometimes it takes a lot, and all at once, that was certainly my case. And sometimes they hold it together forever. I used to say I’d love to wake up being someone else. And yet, I could see the world outside of myself was a fantastic place. The journey is to internalize that reality within. The reasons for disorder are also the reasons for the disconnect, and both can be addressed. As I assume your daughter is fairly young, her neuro pathways are not as entrenched as your ex girlfriend’s, and you could play a big role.

The like minded forums I spoke of will be up and running through a non-profit which is in the process of becoming incorporated, hopefully by March. We will be face to face in the Mid-Atlantic region, and on-line for out of towners, or the highly defended.

Send me your email through Bon’s contact, and I’ll be happy to keep you posted. Take heart, we set the bar at happiness and contentment, not mere management….. but the degree of success is always defined by how bad someone really and truthfully wants to remit disorder, beyond their fears of doing so.

I’m also happy to dialogue with you regarding any of the many questions you have regarding the modality of BPD.

I am familiar with the principles in ACIM’s, as well as the volumes I’ve read in religion and philosophy over the years. I’ve been sent copies of Tolle, Watchman Nee, Jung, etc ….. and been told by a PhD psychotherapist who is also a high functioning BPD….. that all the real questions are laid out by Ernest Becker in The Denial of Death. Oyi. Those and many more have all been very instructive in their own ways, even if serving to display the elaborate lengths the human mind will travel to deny a simple truth; hidden by the guise of complex reasoning. It seems that our wonderfully complex pre-frontal cortex has a very rough time accepting simplicity, for the very reason that we can create complex rationalizations that seem to make so much sense. Of course, how much sense may have nothing to do with what the truth is. In other words, we do it because we can, and it makes us feel good in the moment; or better about ourselves generally. The history of science, medicine, politics and religion is a document of this very concept in action, killing or destroying the wellbeing of untold numbers in the process. All, for very ‘good’ reasons.

So, my journey has been to disseminate the large and small particles of ‘truth,’ in each bit of research and writing on not only disorder, but a much broader context of human behavior ….. and reality test it against my own disordered experience with a BP for many years before resolution, and a very peaceful and thoughtfully objective experience since.

Noticing defensive postures is a very important tool, as you know. Realizing there are other choices, and ‘choosing again’ is what DBT is all about….. which always needs to happen. And as you’ve already written, knowing what the modalities were of some of the original wounding, are other important pieces of the puzzle. But knowing how these pieces have fit together to form the neurological spider web of disorder, and deconstructing them though an awareness of how their everyday manifestations effect your emotions through perceptual ‘unrealities’ is the foundation necessary to remit disordered thinking…… and begin to build the neuro pathways of living in an ordered mind, that responds to reality as it is.

I will keep you posted on the start date for the like minded forums…… and will look forward to your participation. Thank you for your patience with the developmental process. We’ve wanted to take our time, as the hope of real happiness and living without self perpetuating anxiety is not to be suggested lightly to those who have little experience with either.

If you want to send me your email through Bon and his contact button above, I can keep you directly informed.

It amazes me how this website, devoted to questioning the very existence of a high functioning borderline, has become a definition of the fact. Your very clear vision of the difference between the facts of your life, and your inner experience of them, is the recognition of the way disorder filters the reality of not only your memory, but your sensory present. A low functioning BPD is so preoccupied with primitive defensive mechanisms, they cannot begin to approach that level of awareness.

I read you have made the rounds of various therapists and see that you have no need to learn dialectical behavioral skills….. you already have them. But what you do need to learn is a dialectical dialogue with your own mind, where you can reveal to yourself that your perceptions are sabotaging your ability to experience reality as it is; the facts of your life.

Having been through this many times with very high functioning BPDs, the first thing you must realize is that disorder is a deceit….. which then has a vested interest in keeping the truth of defensive postures deeply hidden, to be effective. That was the way your young sensitive mind figured out how to survive. Unfortunately, the patterns of thought designed for childhood survival, translate into disordered thinking and behavior as an adult. So the journey, when you are ready to put the pieces together, is to first understand the logic of cause and effect…… and the turning point to remitting disorder is to learn how to apply what you know to what you feel; becoming disciplined in how to do that, 24/7…… until the new neuro pathways of order become the knowing choice.

It sounds to me like you are ready to do the real work, and would be a determined student to claim a happy life experience. Let me know if you are interested in joining a number of like minded persons. A non profit is about to be funded to do this work….. which will have an on-line, confidential presence for those who would like to, or logistically must, participate through that modality.

I have been studying the Course in Miracles for about a year now, feeling drawn to its view and was hoping the study would help. I had some exposure in the 1980s to it but abandoned it as it seemed that the goal was to lose ones individuality. This is actually the goal, but then, it was too frightening for me, was too much. Now I understand it a bit differently. The Course does help, but again, the going is slow and I feel I need more help than a weekly book discussion class where personal discussions are not appropriate. Reading things on the Internet and here about BPD have been helpful. I do have insurance but have not been successful in working with the “plan” psycologists. The two that I have seen seem to want to encourage a sense of victimhood as a way to forgive the self, but that does not jive with the Course in Miracles, so I end up confused. It is so wierd, but my outer life as viewed by others would seem to be successful. I am educated and got very high grades, have a good job, a long term marriage with a partner who loves me, but inside I am chronically unhappy, have few intimate friends, distrust people, feel cynical, excluded and judged. This ends up being a self-fulfilling type of thing, and I do actually get rejected, which hurts. What I began to notice, however, is that the objective facts of my life do not match the subjective inner experience. So I know something is wrong. Getting the right kind of help has been so hard. It helps to know I am not alone. Thank you. I will keep trying to find the right kind of help.

The desire/fear/expectation of emotional intimacy is the battleground where disorder takes its stand; simulating the desperate feelings of childhood where a nurturing, loving acceptance didn’t happen.

Your wife sounds a lot like my mother, rigidly controlled by adhering to her beliefs, but rarely resulting in joy. I hope you and your wife get the help you need. There is a wonderful little book you might want to get, written in the 70′s by Cecil Osborne, The Art of Learning to Love Yourself. Osborne was a Baptist minister turned psychotherapist, as he observed that prayer did little to impact early emotional damage. I wish both my mother and her mother could have read him. They would have easily seen themselves in his stories.

Some people are really conservative and introverted and conscientious but also could have BPD. So they don’t binge drink they don’t blow money they don’t do irresponsible things, yet they can’t control their emotions and can lose their shit at any time out of the blue, but not so much at work but at home.

My wife is a born again Christian and doesn’t drink. She’s very frugal. She doesn’t cut her self but she does punch herself enough to give herself bruises.But at work she is just quiet and polite and hard working. While we were seperated she was fine. Just in intimate relationships she has mood swings and rage and dispair and reckless driving and just insane episodes and fear of abandonment and all this kind of BPD stuff.

But 90% of the time she can keep it out of the workplace and in public.

Further, each step taken to understand the reasons why a particular mind becomes disordered, can also be used to remediate those reasons; through awareness of cause and effect. In essence, we learn to identify with who we really are, instead of the persona of disorder. Learning the whys and wherefores allows the cognitive powers to realize what the crazy is reacting to.

Each level of awareness is another group of neuro pathways that can become rewired over time. Each pathway attaining its natural order, is then available to be used for something other than processing fear, analyzing its affect, or avoiding its provocation altogether.

I feel really bad for Michelle, alone in her pain. She should know she has plenty of company, but many have learned how to express their crazy, quietly, and seek resolution. But most can’t do it alone, or do so before a crash. As a lovely HF BPD, 46 year old woman recently told me, we need a strong, gentle hand to lead the way….. which must be a hand that has been there. Only another HF BPD knows how a HF BPD feels and thinks. You can’t know, unless you’ve known, regardless of what you’ve read.

I can assure you Bonn, that every BPD actually does care about whether another loves them. They may not be able to reciprocate, or accept that love, or be peaceful in a loving relationship, but they do care about the fact of it. We can observe love; even if being able to participate in its experience must wait until recovery, when the ability to trust in ones true self, has been established.

She and I have not spoken for months and will be hanging out soon this week. I am just not sure how to respond to her. I have no intentions in juding her at all. I really just want to know how to communicate in a way that she knows I am here if she needs/wants me and that I won’t leave. I would love suggestions/comments about this.

Thanks for reading.

This interests me, as using the approved terminology I used to be a high functioning BPD-very high functioning infact, seeing my painfully low moods as one to keep permanently on the run from… this worked well for me back then, sustaining me through a few careers and a degree at an established institution. But that was then, and this is now-where there are periods of time, aometimes prolonged where even having a chat to friends or making it out to get a pint of milk can be a great challenge.

The way i saw it when this highly functioning side began to fade into current state was that I had finally lost my mask. My ability to keep it together around other, not close people and associates. It was when my BPD began to display itself uncontrollably around those not close to me that my life began to also errode.

It used to be something i could keep to myself more or less around strangers, colleagues, but not people very close to me. I was an extrovert and i was very popular. I made a party and would be asked to attend, and seen to be a good laugh.Then all of a sudden, these states I used to take for granted to get me out and about and being generally bubbly and social, suddenly stopped coming to me.I say suddenly, but it was somewhat gradual as I found it increasingly difficult and problematic to be around people, whome i once thrived.

I’d try to re-induce these positive states by holding parties and events, then i simply fell apart when negative BPD states took more and more control over me, and now i cant even make a plan to meet others.

I am still struggling to comprehend how i switched from a highly functionning to a low functioning BPD, i am dissapoited I lost my mask on one hand, but on the other I always knew i would never sustain the mask forever-it takes a lot of physical strength and energy to keep running from emotional states which inevitably always catch up!. The behaviour and states that got me through my 20′s no longer apply in my 30′s.

Hopefully the loss of my mask and finally after years of being mis diagnosed with various depression states, I have opened up in a long course of therapy- and this has finally ensured I got the correct diagnosis (in which case I have had this untreated for over 20 years) and am going to begin the correct form of treatment-in the hope of at least regaining my mask if only to begin the process of becoming a more functionning BPD- if not even a happy and functionning ex-bpd (one can wish) .

It’s going to be a 3 year plan of treatment. It seems a long time, but these things are rarely treatable per se, only more manageable.

1. safety – It’s quite possible that the person with BP acts out more around loved ones and family because that person feels a bit safer with them. They don’t have to put on the ‘act’ for the sake of others and they may feel that while an outburst at work will have some severe consequences an outburst at home… well, you’re surrounded by people who love you (though many BP might just be testing that, ie; seeking that constant validation and confirmation they won’t be left) who are supposed to accept you no matter what.

2. closeness – For me work is a bit on the impersonal side. I socialize (talk, joke, whatever) with the people I work with but I’m not close to them. They come and go and I may go a long time before seeing them again. Half of them I don’t care if I see again or not. There’s little (some) fear of abandonment. I’m kept constantly active and there’s no time for emotions to settle in or for me to really be left alone with my thoughts. At home on the other hand, the BP is surrounded by the very things that give them anxiety. The people they love, the constant thought of abandonment, the emotions and having to deal with at least one other person on an emotional level. They’re so close to the very source of their anxiety it’s not a wonder they have trouble.

Work is impersonal, structured, and filled with things to occupy your time.

Home is filled (or supposed to be at least) with the very love BP’s are afraid of accepting because they think it will be taken away in the next moment. It’s relaxed and more open.

Again I come back to my first reason. I (whether I be BP or not) tend to vent more at home than I do at work or in front of people I’m not ‘close’ to. It’s a familiar environment I’m used to- whether I feel safe or not things are just going to come out.

This is why it irritates me that some people think it’s only at home or they turn it off outside the home. If the BP is having a worse time at home, I figure you should look at the sliver of an optimistic side- they feel they can tear down the act around you and that show of trust is a lot for a BP person especially when they’re constantly worried they’re going to be left the moment they do take it down.

Anyways, that was just a vent but yeah.