Some time ago I wrote a post about the “myth of the high-functioning BPD.” The point of the post was to facilitate a conversation about whether the categories of high-functioning and low-functioning apply to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My theory was that there was no fixed state in BPD, and a sufferer can swing from high-functioning to low-functioning at the whim of their emotions. Now that I am learning about mentalization, I have a new appreciation for the “high-functioning” state (and it is a temporary state, not a fixed one). It appears to me now to be contextual. Have you ever wondered how a person you love with BPD can be a raging nightmare with you yet perfectly fine in his/her job? Ever wonder how they can “fake it” with others and never show their Mr. Hyde side?
DBT calls this “apparent competence,” which makes sense with respect to the dialectical model (the dialectic side of apparent competence is “active passivity” BTW). The one thing that never made a whole lot of sense to me was how the behavior can generally be “reined in” when with certain people. Most non-borderlines think, “Well, if she can control her behavior with [whomever], this must be completely under her control. So, she needs to start behaving better with me.” Sometimes, it seems as though a person with BPD can turn it on and off at will. However, this is not really the case.
Instead, mentalization explains this through attachment relationships: The closer the attachment, the more at stake for a person with BPD. This is why there is a fear of abandonment in BPD. When it comes to close relationships (such as partner or parent), the attachment is more important to the person with BPD and the fear of losing that attachment, the fear that the other person will judge him/her as wrong or bad (shame), is much larger. Unfortunately, the method of coping with this fear is usually maladaptive and functions to push the other person further away. Sadly, that can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment.
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Related posts:
- The Myth of the High-Functioning Borderline
- Mentalization Based Therapy Shows Promise with BPD
- Mentalization-Based Treatment Versus Structured Clinical Management for BPD
- Mentalization and BPD
- Remission Common in BPD, but functioning still a problem
- Dialectical Dilemmas
- Intention and Consequence
- DBT, MBT and the Behavioral Chain
- The First Two Rules of DBT are…
- BF Skinner meets Buddha with DBT
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A note on control of the symptoms or ‘being able to rein it in.’ This is just a thought from my experience living with a BP during childhood and my own experiences as someone facing a possible diagnosis (if the health insurance ever comes through and I can get a chance to see someone)- but I think that the reason why a BP can seem perfectly ‘normal’ in a work like environment and then on the other end of the scale when at home can be for two reasons that I’ve never really seen addressed on the net.
1. safety – It’s quite possible that the person with BP acts out more around loved ones and family because that person feels a bit safer with them. They don’t have to put on the ‘act’ for the sake of others and they may feel that while an outburst at work will have some severe consequences an outburst at home… well, you’re surrounded by people who love you (though many BP might just be testing that, ie; seeking that constant validation and confirmation they won’t be left) who are supposed to accept you no matter what.
2. closeness – For me work is a bit on the impersonal side. I socialize (talk, joke, whatever) with the people I work with but I’m not close to them. They come and go and I may go a long time before seeing them again. Half of them I don’t care if I see again or not. There’s little (some) fear of abandonment. I’m kept constantly active and there’s no time for emotions to settle in or for me to really be left alone with my thoughts. At home on the other hand, the BP is surrounded by the very things that give them anxiety. The people they love, the constant thought of abandonment, the emotions and having to deal with at least one other person on an emotional level. They’re so close to the very source of their anxiety it’s not a wonder they have trouble.
Work is impersonal, structured, and filled with things to occupy your time.
Home is filled (or supposed to be at least) with the very love BP’s are afraid of accepting because they think it will be taken away in the next moment. It’s relaxed and more open.
Again I come back to my first reason. I (whether I be BP or not) tend to vent more at home than I do at work or in front of people I’m not ‘close’ to. It’s a familiar environment I’m used to- whether I feel safe or not things are just going to come out.
This is why it irritates me that some people think it’s only at home or they turn it off outside the home. If the BP is having a worse time at home, I figure you should look at the sliver of an optimistic side- they feel they can tear down the act around you and that show of trust is a lot for a BP person especially when they’re constantly worried they’re going to be left the moment they do take it down.
Anyways, that was just a vent but yeah.
Hello everyone,
please stop pointing that he/she has BPD problem. I could say you are not able to communicate effectively to he/she
you do not feel equal to he/she
you are not able to accept his/her strong personality.
Try to think in positive way , then you will have solution for your problem.
Hi all,
This interests me, as using the approved terminology I used to be a high functioning BPD-very high functioning infact, seeing my painfully low moods as one to keep permanently on the run from… this worked well for me back then, sustaining me through a few careers and a degree at an established institution. But that was then, and this is now-where there are periods of time, aometimes prolonged where even having a chat to friends or making it out to get a pint of milk can be a great challenge.
The way i saw it when this highly functioning side began to fade into current state was that I had finally lost my mask. My ability to keep it together around other, not close people and associates. It was when my BPD began to display itself uncontrollably around those not close to me that my life began to also errode.
It used to be something i could keep to myself more or less around strangers, colleagues, but not people very close to me. I was an extrovert and i was very popular. I made a party and would be asked to attend, and seen to be a good laugh.Then all of a sudden, these states I used to take for granted to get me out and about and being generally bubbly and social, suddenly stopped coming to me.I say suddenly, but it was somewhat gradual as I found it increasingly difficult and problematic to be around people, whome i once thrived.
I’d try to re-induce these positive states by holding parties and events, then i simply fell apart when negative BPD states took more and more control over me, and now i cant even make a plan to meet others.
I am still struggling to comprehend how i switched from a highly functionning to a low functioning BPD, i am dissapoited I lost my mask on one hand, but on the other I always knew i would never sustain the mask forever-it takes a lot of physical strength and energy to keep running from emotional states which inevitably always catch up!. The behaviour and states that got me through my 20′s no longer apply in my 30′s.
Hopefully the loss of my mask and finally after years of being mis diagnosed with various depression states, I have opened up in a long course of therapy- and this has finally ensured I got the correct diagnosis (in which case I have had this untreated for over 20 years) and am going to begin the correct form of treatment-in the hope of at least regaining my mask if only to begin the process of becoming a more functionning BPD- if not even a happy and functionning ex-bpd (one can wish) .
It’s going to be a 3 year plan of treatment. It seems a long time, but these things are rarely treatable per se, only more manageable.
apologies for typos-small keyboard big finger syndrome!