Borderline Personality Disorder,  Mentalizing

How mentalization and attachment might explain “high-functioning” BPD

Some time ago I wrote a post about the “myth of the high-functioning BPD.” The point of the post was to facilitate a conversation about whether the categories of high-functioning and low-functioning apply to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My theory was that there was no fixed state in BPD, and a sufferer can swing from high-functioning to low-functioning at the whim of their emotions. Now that I am learning about mentalization, I have a new appreciation for the “high-functioning” state (and it is a temporary state, not a fixed one). It appears to me now to be contextual. Have you ever wondered how a person you love with BPD can be a raging nightmare with you yet perfectly fine in his/her job? Ever wonder how they can “fake it” with others and never show their Mr. Hyde side?

DBT calls this “apparent competence,” which makes sense with respect to the dialectical model (the dialectic side of apparent competence is “active passivity” BTW). The one thing that never made a whole lot of sense to me was how the behavior can generally be “reined in” when with certain people. Most non-borderlines think, “Well, if she can control her behavior with [whomever], this must be completely under her control. So, she needs to start behaving better with me.” Sometimes, it seems as though a person with BPD can turn it on and off at will. However, this is not really the case.

Instead, mentalization explains this through attachment relationships: The closer the attachment, the more at stake for a person with BPD. This is why there is a fear of abandonment in BPD. When it comes to close relationships (such as partner or parent), the attachment is more important to the person with BPD and the fear of losing that attachment, the fear that the other person will judge him/her as wrong or bad (shame), is much larger. Unfortunately, the method of coping with this fear is usually maladaptive and functions to push the other person further away. Sadly, that can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment.

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43 Comments

  • Spirit

    A note on control of the symptoms or ‘being able to rein it in.’ This is just a thought from my experience living with a BP during childhood and my own experiences as someone facing a possible diagnosis (if the health insurance ever comes through and I can get a chance to see someone)- but I think that the reason why a BP can seem perfectly ‘normal’ in a work like environment and then on the other end of the scale when at home can be for two reasons that I’ve never really seen addressed on the net.

    1. safety – It’s quite possible that the person with BP acts out more around loved ones and family because that person feels a bit safer with them. They don’t have to put on the ‘act’ for the sake of others and they may feel that while an outburst at work will have some severe consequences an outburst at home… well, you’re surrounded by people who love you (though many BP might just be testing that, ie; seeking that constant validation and confirmation they won’t be left) who are supposed to accept you no matter what.

    2. closeness – For me work is a bit on the impersonal side. I socialize (talk, joke, whatever) with the people I work with but I’m not close to them. They come and go and I may go a long time before seeing them again. Half of them I don’t care if I see again or not. There’s little (some) fear of abandonment. I’m kept constantly active and there’s no time for emotions to settle in or for me to really be left alone with my thoughts. At home on the other hand, the BP is surrounded by the very things that give them anxiety. The people they love, the constant thought of abandonment, the emotions and having to deal with at least one other person on an emotional level. They’re so close to the very source of their anxiety it’s not a wonder they have trouble.

    Work is impersonal, structured, and filled with things to occupy your time.

    Home is filled (or supposed to be at least) with the very love BP’s are afraid of accepting because they think it will be taken away in the next moment. It’s relaxed and more open.

    Again I come back to my first reason. I (whether I be BP or not) tend to vent more at home than I do at work or in front of people I’m not ‘close’ to. It’s a familiar environment I’m used to- whether I feel safe or not things are just going to come out.

    This is why it irritates me that some people think it’s only at home or they turn it off outside the home. If the BP is having a worse time at home, I figure you should look at the sliver of an optimistic side- they feel they can tear down the act around you and that show of trust is a lot for a BP person especially when they’re constantly worried they’re going to be left the moment they do take it down.

    Anyways, that was just a vent but yeah. 🙂

  • coolchennai

    Hello everyone,
    please stop pointing that he/she has BPD problem. I could say you are not able to communicate effectively to he/she
    you do not feel equal to he/she
    you are not able to accept his/her strong personality.
    Try to think in positive way , then you will have solution for your problem.

  • Djin

    Hi all,

    This interests me, as using the approved terminology I used to be a high functioning BPD-very high functioning infact, seeing my painfully low moods as one to keep permanently on the run from… this worked well for me back then, sustaining me through a few careers and a degree at an established institution. But that was then, and this is now-where there are periods of time, aometimes prolonged where even having a chat to friends or making it out to get a pint of milk can be a great challenge.

    The way i saw it when this highly functioning side began to fade into current state was that I had finally lost my mask. My ability to keep it together around other, not close people and associates. It was when my BPD began to display itself uncontrollably around those not close to me that my life began to also errode.

    It used to be something i could keep to myself more or less around strangers, colleagues, but not people very close to me. I was an extrovert and i was very popular. I made a party and would be asked to attend, and seen to be a good laugh.Then all of a sudden, these states I used to take for granted to get me out and about and being generally bubbly and social, suddenly stopped coming to me.I say suddenly, but it was somewhat gradual as I found it increasingly difficult and problematic to be around people, whome i once thrived.

    I’d try to re-induce these positive states by holding parties and events, then i simply fell apart when negative BPD states took more and more control over me, and now i cant even make a plan to meet others.

    I am still struggling to comprehend how i switched from a highly functionning to a low functioning BPD, i am dissapoited I lost my mask on one hand, but on the other I always knew i would never sustain the mask forever-it takes a lot of physical strength and energy to keep running from emotional states which inevitably always catch up!. The behaviour and states that got me through my 20’s no longer apply in my 30’s.

    Hopefully the loss of my mask and finally after years of being mis diagnosed with various depression states, I have opened up in a long course of therapy- and this has finally ensured I got the correct diagnosis (in which case I have had this untreated for over 20 years) and am going to begin the correct form of treatment-in the hope of at least regaining my mask if only to begin the process of becoming a more functionning BPD- if not even a happy and functionning ex-bpd (one can wish) .

    It’s going to be a 3 year plan of treatment. It seems a long time, but these things are rarely treatable per se, only more manageable. 🙂

  • Michelle

    I am a high-functioning or “Quiet” BPD. I seem to be able to maintain it too well all of the time, only knowing myself that this description is fitting. Reason? I trust no one, it’s too much burdon for others, and I’m petrified that my life will fall apart permanently if I try to let others in. Right now having a job, husband, family- to lose it all would only increase the pain and that would be the end. I’ve told my med doc and my therapist about this- but yet I don’t tell them the truth about my thoughts or actions. Things only I know, things done in private-those remain my secrets- I can’t verbalize any of it- I become paralyzed and do the same ol’ thing….act “as if” everything’s going ok. I am currently on the brink of losing control- no longer being able to hide it- when your whole life feels fake and you can share nothing about what’s going on inside of you it becomes overwhelming-you become pressurized, it’s now taking over my focus, I’m feel that I’m losing the ability to function well at my job- I feel that people are starting to look at me funny or that they’re reading my thoughts. I took the time last week to tell my providers (in writing) how desperate I was feeling but honestly, I don’t think they believe me. They won’t until I do something to prove it. I was told to “Go read the book ‘Sometimes I Act Crazy'”. High functioning BPD is real- everything for me is turned in on myself. I wouldn’t dream of taking my seething self hatred out on anyone else- just me. I think this came about for me at age 9, Every thought seems to be negative. I started self harm at 16- but did very well in school- I finally landed in-patient at age 29 when husband caught me self harming. Got out and all has been well (with meds and therapy-…. oh I should say the appearance of “all is well” has been going on since then. Now at age 39 I feel another crash building- not sure how to keep control- sort of feel that it’s impossible because 10 years have passed- people (family) forgot or don’t want to admit or don’t have an interest- and of course I haven’t given them any indication that attention was needed. I don’t tell family- they don’t understand and don’t want to. That hurts even more- I quit trying because it was too painful, the feeling of rejection. It is completly me- alone- and I am trying to tell the people that I look to for help- the BPD specialists that created the STEPPS program- I don’t think they even recognize High functioning BPD or quiet BPD- maybe they will soon, maybe they’ll believe. When mindfulness practice produces a sarcastic negative response within and the intensity of emotion is too overwhelming to continue- I then practice with eyes open, the mind continues to work against me- creating negative scary words in the designs of the carpets- all relating to myself and how much of a hopeless failure I am- any external “abuse” that might have happened in the past, coming verbally from me to others- only gets pointed inward- all of it- there’s no depressurization, No hope and obviously no recognition from anyone that could possibly be helpful. This condition needs to be recognized and the focus needs to be on this patient not the family of a Quiet Borderline- they don’t even know… ~Michelle

    Thanks for reading.

  • non-BP

    This was a great eye-opener for me. My wife would give me the cold shoulder one minute then act kind and lively with the kids the next. I concluded she was intentionally turning it on and off to punish me; I never thought it could be that she feels safe with the kids knowing they won’t abandon her.

  • Yvanie

    I have a friend that is possibly a high-functioning borderline and I am not sure how to reassure her that I love her, care about her and just want to understand her as best as possible. She has yet to accept that she has an issue and has so far alienated ALL friends in her life. The only person she speaks to is her mom. She doesn’t associate with anyone else. She also has a fabulous job and to the best of my knowledge, is well liked and well recognized there.

    She and I have not spoken for months and will be hanging out soon this week. I am just not sure how to respond to her. I have no intentions in juding her at all. I really just want to know how to communicate in a way that she knows I am here if she needs/wants me and that I won’t leave. I would love suggestions/comments about this.

  • Bon Dobbs

    If your friend has BPD, she will not really care if you care about her or love her, even if you do. That is because those things are about YOUR feelings, rather than hers. What she needs is someone to understand her pain fully and to listen to her struggles, without judging her and without providing advice. My book provides detail on how to accomplish this goal.

  • Na

    Just briefly, I hear what you’re describing here, and I relate to seeing this in my former partner. However, when I first read your earlier article questioning “high functioning”, what occurred to me was the intelligence level of the affected person. Is there room for looking at the correlation between IQ and exhibited behaviours in BPD sufferers?

  • Bon Dobbs

    To Na, I don’t know of any studies regarding IQ. My daughter’s IQ scores went WAY up after DBT therapy. She could regulate her emotions and that helped her take the test better. I don’t think she got any smarter, just more effective!

  • Markos

    Actually, as your daughter was able to processes her emotions more effectively realistic, she was able to redirect her brain activity from her mid brain, which has no IQ, into her pre frontal cortex. In other words, she was able to use the IQ that has been available, but not accessible. In a way, she did become smarter. I’ve seen this happen many times, and experienced it myself.

    Further, each step taken to understand the reasons why a particular mind becomes disordered, can also be used to remediate those reasons; through awareness of cause and effect. In essence, we learn to identify with who we really are, instead of the persona of disorder. Learning the whys and wherefores allows the cognitive powers to realize what the crazy is reacting to.

    Each level of awareness is another group of neuro pathways that can become rewired over time. Each pathway attaining its natural order, is then available to be used for something other than processing fear, analyzing its affect, or avoiding its provocation altogether.

    I feel really bad for Michelle, alone in her pain. She should know she has plenty of company, but many have learned how to express their crazy, quietly, and seek resolution. But most can’t do it alone, or do so before a crash. As a lovely HF BPD, 46 year old woman recently told me, we need a strong, gentle hand to lead the way….. which must be a hand that has been there. Only another HF BPD knows how a HF BPD feels and thinks. You can’t know, unless you’ve known, regardless of what you’ve read.

    I can assure you Bonn, that every BPD actually does care about whether another loves them. They may not be able to reciprocate, or accept that love, or be peaceful in a loving relationship, but they do care about the fact of it. We can observe love; even if being able to participate in its experience must wait until recovery, when the ability to trust in ones true self, has been established.

  • Ted

    I believe in “high functioning BP” because I think my wife has it. I am thinking maybe its related to different types of personalities having BPD.

    Some people are really conservative and introverted and conscientious but also could have BPD. So they don’t binge drink they don’t blow money they don’t do irresponsible things, yet they can’t control their emotions and can lose their shit at any time out of the blue, but not so much at work but at home.

    My wife is a born again Christian and doesn’t drink. She’s very frugal. She doesn’t cut her self but she does punch herself enough to give herself bruises.But at work she is just quiet and polite and hard working. While we were seperated she was fine. Just in intimate relationships she has mood swings and rage and dispair and reckless driving and just insane episodes and fear of abandonment and all this kind of BPD stuff.

    But 90% of the time she can keep it out of the workplace and in public.

  • Markos

    Yes, Ted, it sounds like you are married to a very ‘quiet’ BPD. Who punches herself. Wow.

    The desire/fear/expectation of emotional intimacy is the battleground where disorder takes its stand; simulating the desperate feelings of childhood where a nurturing, loving acceptance didn’t happen.

    Your wife sounds a lot like my mother, rigidly controlled by adhering to her beliefs, but rarely resulting in joy. I hope you and your wife get the help you need. There is a wonderful little book you might want to get, written in the 70’s by Cecil Osborne, The Art of Learning to Love Yourself. Osborne was a Baptist minister turned psychotherapist, as he observed that prayer did little to impact early emotional damage. I wish both my mother and her mother could have read him. They would have easily seen themselves in his stories.

  • Ted

    Thanks a lot for the book recomendation. We are trying to work through things we do have some joy especially while enjoying the outdoors.

  • Markos

    Ted, you and wife both have to know as much about what you are dealing with as you can. Only then can you identify what is abhorrent. As I’ve said many times, mindfulness is a wonderful tool, yet much more powerful when you know what to be mindful about. And that is where a lot of reading and education come in; helping the disordered mind to begin to observe itself.

  • Alex

    Thank you for this published conversation. It is helpful. I have been feeling many of the things I read are typical for BPDs and wonder if this is what I am dealing with. I have the early childhood emotional abandonment issues, the childhood sexual abuse history and a pattern in my life and relationships that I am now just beginning to really see and which I can’t seem to get lasting relief from. I medicated myself for a long while but have stopped doing that, understanding that it is not really helping me. But once the medication does not mask the feelings, they return. So here I am at that place again, needing to get some help, but distrusting and resentful at the fact of having to “bare” myself yet again to a therapist who may not be helpful. I have been to therapists and once did two years of weekly therapy with a Jungian therapist. But that form therapy is so excrutiatingly slow and expensive it seems better suited for rich persons than middle class workers. Also, the insurance was pestering the therapist for session notes and that really freaked me out to think what I said in private could be in some corporation database with who-knows-who having access. They do not like long term therapy, preferring quick fixes and drugs. I don’t want to take those kind of meds unless there is no other way and don’t feel I have explored all other ways yet. I have trust issues and as a result I stopped therapy.

    I have been studying the Course in Miracles for about a year now, feeling drawn to its view and was hoping the study would help. I had some exposure in the 1980s to it but abandoned it as it seemed that the goal was to lose ones individuality. This is actually the goal, but then, it was too frightening for me, was too much. Now I understand it a bit differently. The Course does help, but again, the going is slow and I feel I need more help than a weekly book discussion class where personal discussions are not appropriate. Reading things on the Internet and here about BPD have been helpful. I do have insurance but have not been successful in working with the “plan” psycologists. The two that I have seen seem to want to encourage a sense of victimhood as a way to forgive the self, but that does not jive with the Course in Miracles, so I end up confused. It is so wierd, but my outer life as viewed by others would seem to be successful. I am educated and got very high grades, have a good job, a long term marriage with a partner who loves me, but inside I am chronically unhappy, have few intimate friends, distrust people, feel cynical, excluded and judged. This ends up being a self-fulfilling type of thing, and I do actually get rejected, which hurts. What I began to notice, however, is that the objective facts of my life do not match the subjective inner experience. So I know something is wrong. Getting the right kind of help has been so hard. It helps to know I am not alone. Thank you. I will keep trying to find the right kind of help.

  • Markos

    Alex,

    It amazes me how this website, devoted to questioning the very existence of a high functioning borderline, has become a definition of the fact. Your very clear vision of the difference between the facts of your life, and your inner experience of them, is the recognition of the way disorder filters the reality of not only your memory, but your sensory present. A low functioning BPD is so preoccupied with primitive defensive mechanisms, they cannot begin to approach that level of awareness.

    I read you have made the rounds of various therapists and see that you have no need to learn dialectical behavioral skills….. you already have them. But what you do need to learn is a dialectical dialogue with your own mind, where you can reveal to yourself that your perceptions are sabotaging your ability to experience reality as it is; the facts of your life.

    Having been through this many times with very high functioning BPDs, the first thing you must realize is that disorder is a deceit….. which then has a vested interest in keeping the truth of defensive postures deeply hidden, to be effective. That was the way your young sensitive mind figured out how to survive. Unfortunately, the patterns of thought designed for childhood survival, translate into disordered thinking and behavior as an adult. So the journey, when you are ready to put the pieces together, is to first understand the logic of cause and effect…… and the turning point to remitting disorder is to learn how to apply what you know to what you feel; becoming disciplined in how to do that, 24/7…… until the new neuro pathways of order become the knowing choice.

    It sounds to me like you are ready to do the real work, and would be a determined student to claim a happy life experience. Let me know if you are interested in joining a number of like minded persons. A non profit is about to be funded to do this work….. which will have an on-line, confidential presence for those who would like to, or logistically must, participate through that modality.

  • Alex

    Wow, Markos, what you say makes alot of sense. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am working with those very principles in classes I attend in the Course in Miracles. The Course teaches to notice those defensive postures, or positionalities, that color the experience of our lives which doesn’t always jive with the facts. It says that we can “choose again,” which gives me hope. What you say about creating new neural pathways for a 24/7 change to “claiming a happy life,” also resonates with me. This is what takes discipline, time and presents challenges. I had thought that a “disorder” may be getting in my way, but you are saying the same thing the Course does, that this experience can change. I would love to join like minded persons in working with these concepts. Thank you!

  • Markos

    Hey Alex,

    I am familiar with the principles in ACIM’s, as well as the volumes I’ve read in religion and philosophy over the years. I’ve been sent copies of Tolle, Watchman Nee, Jung, etc ….. and been told by a PhD psychotherapist who is also a high functioning BPD….. that all the real questions are laid out by Ernest Becker in The Denial of Death. Oyi. Those and many more have all been very instructive in their own ways, even if serving to display the elaborate lengths the human mind will travel to deny a simple truth; hidden by the guise of complex reasoning. It seems that our wonderfully complex pre-frontal cortex has a very rough time accepting simplicity, for the very reason that we can create complex rationalizations that seem to make so much sense. Of course, how much sense may have nothing to do with what the truth is. In other words, we do it because we can, and it makes us feel good in the moment; or better about ourselves generally. The history of science, medicine, politics and religion is a document of this very concept in action, killing or destroying the wellbeing of untold numbers in the process. All, for very ‘good’ reasons.

    So, my journey has been to disseminate the large and small particles of ‘truth,’ in each bit of research and writing on not only disorder, but a much broader context of human behavior ….. and reality test it against my own disordered experience with a BP for many years before resolution, and a very peaceful and thoughtfully objective experience since.

    Noticing defensive postures is a very important tool, as you know. Realizing there are other choices, and ‘choosing again’ is what DBT is all about….. which always needs to happen. And as you’ve already written, knowing what the modalities were of some of the original wounding, are other important pieces of the puzzle. But knowing how these pieces have fit together to form the neurological spider web of disorder, and deconstructing them though an awareness of how their everyday manifestations effect your emotions through perceptual ‘unrealities’ is the foundation necessary to remit disordered thinking…… and begin to build the neuro pathways of living in an ordered mind, that responds to reality as it is.

    I will keep you posted on the start date for the like minded forums…… and will look forward to your participation. Thank you for your patience with the developmental process. We’ve wanted to take our time, as the hope of real happiness and living without self perpetuating anxiety is not to be suggested lightly to those who have little experience with either.

    If you want to send me your email through Bon and his contact button above, I can keep you directly informed.

  • Alex

    Thank you Markos, looking forward to participating. I left my e-mail and request to forward it to you on the form at the Contact page. “Living in an ordered mind…” Now that does sound good!:-)

  • Markos

    I’ll be in touch, Alex, as soon as I get your email from Bon. I can suggest a few titles that will give you a head start on the ‘ordered’ mind concept; as conversely, its really important to know how and why a sensitive, intelligent mind becomes disordered. Having the cognitive ability to understand what you are working with, makes the road out of the woods a lot smoother……. hopefully, I’ll hear from Bon shortly…..

  • Gary

    “Home is filled (or supposed to be at least) with the very love BP’s are afraid of accepting because they think it will be taken away in the next moment.”Intuitive call.Borderlines fear,sorry,absolute terror,of being abandoned is far more terrifying to them than having to work on and sustain a long-term loving relationship of any kind.To them,its much safer to have no relationships at all as the terror and pain of being hurt and rejected and ashamed and insulted and abandoned is thus non-existent.Non-BPD’s are secure in their own skin,Borderlines hate themselves so much that ANY form of hurt and rejection re-infects their wounds every single time.

  • Martin G

    Markos, Bon, Alex, – This has been a very insightful thread on high functioning BPD persons. This is my first post, being new to this world, but having done a raft of research in the last month on it. The reason being is that my daughter has just been diagnosed as BPD after some years, and my ex girlfriend is also BPD – Both are very high functioning and exhibit their BPD behaviours in differing, very individual ways. They both suffer deep inside and hold down great jobs, are well liked, successful (but under achievers), and have some great qualities. What I have noticed is this: exactly as you mention: The are unable to correlate the facts of their lives against their inner turmoil – A broken jigsaw of emotions. Both have explained to me in detail their inner loss of self, loneliness, dark places, angst, worries, and trauma they feel. But each of them gets up every day and immerse themselves in work to soothe – One of them states they often wouldnt care if they didnt awaken. Its a truly horrible place for them to be but I see all sides of their masks and am therefore convinced that high functioning exists and often overlaps into low on the occasional bad episodes. I would be delighted to hear of the Like minded persons forum Markos if at all possible ? One last question that I’m trying to fathom in all my inexpereinece here: My ex, who remained friends with me for 5 months post break up, has all of a sudden distanced me and finally asked me not to contact her again as she will not reply – Much more to it, than I can go into here, but is this a pattern of high functioning even as friends ? That they eventually push you away – It all seemed pre-planned in a sense to me. Many thanks

  • Markos

    Martin,

    My first question…. is your ex girlfriend also your daughter’s mother? Everything you have written is how the BPD story goes with high functioning. Being cut off is not at all unusual, and having her show up again a year later could also happen, but unlikely. You won’t find much in the literature on HF BPD, because they function too well to end up in psychologist’s offices….. until they hit a big snag…… and the carefully constructed equilibriums fall apart. Sometimes it takes a lot, and all at once, that was certainly my case. And sometimes they hold it together forever. I used to say I’d love to wake up being someone else. And yet, I could see the world outside of myself was a fantastic place. The journey is to internalize that reality within. The reasons for disorder are also the reasons for the disconnect, and both can be addressed. As I assume your daughter is fairly young, her neuro pathways are not as entrenched as your ex girlfriend’s, and you could play a big role.

    The like minded forums I spoke of will be up and running through a non-profit which is in the process of becoming incorporated, hopefully by March. We will be face to face in the Mid-Atlantic region, and on-line for out of towners, or the highly defended.

    Send me your email through Bon’s contact, and I’ll be happy to keep you posted. Take heart, we set the bar at happiness and contentment, not mere management….. but the degree of success is always defined by how bad someone really and truthfully wants to remit disorder, beyond their fears of doing so.

    I’m also happy to dialogue with you regarding any of the many questions you have regarding the modality of BPD.

  • Alex

    Hi Martin,
    I had no idea so many people could feel like I do. I can’t imagine what it is like for someone to be in a relationship with someone like me, and as you describe your daughter and ex. I wish I could help explain why your ex is distancing herself after being your friend, but I can’t. It may be just because she is your ex and wants to move on with her life. I can only tell you from my experience that often it is easier for me to distance myself than to stay engaged if a relationship is painful in some way. I rarely fight, but mostly withdraw. I am just so tired of being that way and started searching for answers, which is how I found this forum. That’s not much help for you. I am sorry for your pain and wish the best for you.

  • Martin G

    Thanks Markos and Alex: Really apprecaite this. I’ll ping my e mail address via Bon. My daughter is not related to my ex at all and I find it interesting how they each react differently as individuals to me with their behaviours. My ex obviously has more fears with her attachement to me hence the distancing ploys. She is incredibly high functioning and had a serious long episode Markos as you mention some months ago when we split up as there were also other elements going on at that time. She only just held it together as you say. Curiously I have just received an e mail from her cutting off all contact! I think you’re both right. The disorder has compelled her to push me away, and she tried this by silent treatment, ignoring texts, calls and e e mails. I then explained that this was not right to ignore as a friend and then bam ! – The latest e mail expressing not to contact her again. I think the pain of this friendship and frustration for her has caused her to do this, as all her behaviours seemed like they were manufactured to force me away. It’s honestly mind boggling to see it all in action now I understand the disorder – One moment we were enjoying hanging out, connecting and texting, 2 weeks later, I witness a defined process of pushing me away via controled quiet irrational raging over the phone (highly articulate, berating me like I was a child as her my parent), projection, silent treatment and then finally the last cut. The orchestration and methodology of this is incredible to witness. I am more aware though of how I may have triggered her but despite that I provided validation of her feelings and thoughts, and constantly encourage and inspire her. To now see the final culling is truly incredible – and of course not really rational – But to her she stated, ‘I’m trying to move on, you can help me by moving on to’ – So she is feeling pain because of our close attachement even as friends – and has had to push it all away. Truly sad. Thanks so much for your insights on high functioning – I know only too personally how it does exist and probably more than people think.

  • Markos

    Well, Martin, could be so many different things going on and you’ll probably never know. But what you should know is everyone in the life of a BPD plays a particular role, the ‘screenplay’ having been determined long ago. For whatever reason, when your role is done, or you’ve been replaced….. the black and white thinking does not usually create a new role for you, as there is only enough room for just the right characters at a time.

    One thing that could benefit you greatly is to learn why you have played the role you do. BPD does not happen outside of a context, and nothing within the context is an accident. The disordered effect has a rather logical cause. With a BPD ex, and a BPD daughter, I can imagine the mother of your daughter is not without her issues. So, the question becomes, what is the shape of the variables defining the way this all fits together? This is such an important question.

    In the past few months I was contacted by the boyfriend of a BPD girlfriend of one year; he had been wondering what end was up for the previous 6 months. I told him regardless of where the relationship goes, he would learn a tremendous amount about himself. And thus has been the case.

    Being pushed away is certainly no fun, but, if a BPD is not going to seek help….. sometimes the most loving thing to do is to go away as she has requested. I received this treatment after a break up with a BPD woman, and my therapist said even with all of the issues, I probably represented the closest thing to love she had let herself experience. Again, the rigid black and white definition of the context of love or no love could not morph into the understanding of a loving friendship. And yet, it was accomplished with another woman….. which has stretched from the US to Germany for the past 6 years.

    So, you never know. All you can do is present your intentions, allow her the space to make her own decisions, and accept what they are…..however difficult that may be.

  • Caz

    Sorry! I meant to post this comment here under high and low functioning bpds not under the emotional dysregulation and attachment one.

    The “Apparent competence” which non-bpds argue that the bpd sufferer can control in front of others (and therefore can control in front of them too) causes a great deal of stress, painful anxiety and tremendous effort from the bpd person.If they absolutely have to put on a ‘normal’,competent brave face they will,but it’s at great cost to their illness.Because it’s so emotionally exhausting (and so worrying and guilt-inducing beforehand like before a family Christmas party or something)from my own experience,it causes me to overdose or at the very least,drink far too much and shut myself away from all people to ‘recover’.Like after an invalidation or insult or abandonment,especially one which is not argued against,but buried in the subconscious by the bpd person,it causes a bad reaction, a severe episode of the disease at some later date.That’s why a bpd person tries more and more to deal with triggers and shame and fear in the ‘here and now’ as after a few years (in my case)I learnt that to bury it in my head and swallow all my anger;literally bite my lip to avoid confrontation etc makes bpd much much worse.Think of that if you’re a non bpd,because everytime you let her acknowledge her feelings however irate or vicious they may seem to you,it’s actually an outward spoken conversation with herself in a desperate attempt to understand why she feels as angry and unjustified as she does,and what the hell she can do right there and then to calm herself down.Her rage is far more frightening to herself than to you; you can walk away,she is stuck there with the voices and pain in her head,so she is more afraid than you.Not ‘if’,but ‘when’ a bpd sufferer needs to let their agression and frustration out unfortunately it will be in front of their closest significant others,because they trust that the ‘others’ will not walk away.That’s why short stays in the mental hospital often help bpd people,because they can be totally themselves,(with others suffering in similar ways too)they can admonish all responsibility (and therefore guilt)and be literally as crazy as they like.This is healing and that’s why I think it’s relevant to this article.It tells non-bpds that the stress and extreme anxiety it causes a bpd person to have to constantly act ‘normal’can become so overwhelming that no wonder they then ‘let rip’at you.Let her be herself more,without ridiculing and judging,and it should reduce the frequency of,as well as calm the fury of the rages that are still happening.
    I also think that the kindest,gentlest,most validating non-bpds will probably get the worst of the emotional outbursts of their bpd sufferer.This is because however bad the bpd person feels at that moment it is easier and safer for them to mirror their pain in someone who won’t overreact violently but will hopefully calm them down.Being emotionally dysregulated they need someone to help them self-regulate again,like a patient using transference on a therapist.It may seem that the bpd person is provoking an argument or throwing objects or causing physical harm or destroying property just to get rid of their tension and agression onto you,at that moment,but it’s not that simple – it’s not a conscious,manipulative decision.It is a desperate attempt on the part of the bpd person to feel heard,to be emotionally held (even though they probably won’t let you anywhere near them physically)and to feel loved and cared for and taken seriously and believed.Agressive behaviour can also be a test,a test of whether she can trust you to still like her when you’ve witnessed her ‘real self with all its flaws and fury’.Therefore you are more likely to witness her strong behaviour of you’re her closest friend or partner or spouse because even if she’ll never admit it,she cares about whether or not you will leave her physically or intellectually.There’s little point in her ranting and raving at the guy in front of her in the queue at the supermarket,when she know he’s just gonna walk away when he’s paid anyway.The bpd person’s testing for trustworthy ‘stickaroundable’ people manifests itself in behaviour that says “If I say this,will he leave me?Will he react?Will he counter-transfer all my crap back onto me or will he absorb it,remould it,and hand it back to me gently and calmly?In a fluffy soft ball of something so unlike the hard prickly rock I threw it out at him as,so that I can now hold it myself without fear?”
    It’s a bit of a catch 22 for non-bpds.But however draining and stressful and continually selfless it feels to have to constantly validate their bpd close ones,for every one validation she heals two hurts.For every two validations it heals three hurts.That’s how it feels to me anyway.And then the sooner she’ll be better.If a non-bpd came home from work hungry and with a headache,he would feel relaxed enough in his own home space to make himself something to eat and grab some painkillers and maybe a beer.The bpd shows her way of fixing her ‘hunger’,her ‘headache’ and her ‘thirst’by yelling,kicking,screaming,storming out,attacking,etc etc,but remember,your pain of hunger and thirst is proportionate to the way you calmly make yourself a sandwich.Doesn’t that tell you something of how severe and excruciating her pain is?To her,her ‘hunger’can never be satisfied,her ‘thirst’ will never be quenched,and her ‘headache’is there for ever.That’s real pain.Gently ask her if she thinks another way of dealing with something might be more effective next time.Ask her,don’t tell her.But try to see and feel the depth and constancy of her pain, and then you decide for yourself.
    . .

    The “Apparent competence” which non-bpds argue that the bpd sufferer can control in front of others (and therefore can control in front of them too) causes a great deal of stress, painful anxiety and tremendous effort from the bpd person.If they absolutely have to put on a ‘normal’,competent brave face they will,but it’s at great cost to their illness.Because it’s so emotionally exhausting (and so worrying and guilt-inducing beforehand like before a family Christmas party or something)from my own experience,it causes me to overdose or at the very least,drink far too much and shut myself away from all people to ‘recover’.Like after an invalidation or insult or abandonment,especially one which is not argued against,but buried in the subconscious by the bpd person,it causes a bad reaction, a severe episode of the disease at some later date.That’s why a bpd person tries more and more to deal with triggers and shame and fear in the ‘here and now’ as after a few years (in my case)I learnt that to bury it in my head and swallow all my anger;literally bite my lip to avoid confrontation etc makes bpd much much worse.Think of that if you’re a non bpd,because everytime you let her acknowledge her feelings however irate or vicious they may seem to you,it’s actually an outward spoken conversation with herself in a desperate attempt to understand why she feels as angry and unjustified as she does,and what the hell she can do right there and then to calm herself down.Her rage is far more frightening to herself than to you; you can walk away,she is stuck there with the voices and pain in her head,so she is more afraid than you.Not ‘if’,but ‘when’ a bpd sufferer needs to let their agression and frustration out unfortunately it will be in front of their closest significant others,because they trust that the ‘others’ will not walk away.That’s why short stays in the mental hospital often help bpd people,because they can be totally themselves,(with others suffering in similar ways too)they can admonish all responsibility (and therefore guilt)and be literally as crazy as they like.This is healing and that’s why I think it’s relevant to this article.It tells non-bpds that the stress and extreme anxiety it causes a bpd person to have to constantly act ‘normal’can become so overwhelming that no wonder they then ‘let rip’at you.Let her be herself more,without ridiculing and judging,and it should reduce the frequency of,as well as calm the fury of the rages that are still happening.
    I also think that the kindest,gentlest,most validating non-bpds will probably get the worst of the emotional outbursts of their bpd sufferer.This is because however bad the bpd person feels at that moment it is easier and safer for them to mirror their pain in someone who won’t overreact violently but will hopefully calm them down.Being emotionally dysregulated they need someone to help them self-regulate again,like a patient using transference on a therapist.It may seem that the bpd person is provoking an argument or throwing objects or causing physical harm or destroying property just to get rid of their tension and agression onto you,at that moment,but it’s not that simple – it’s not a conscious,manipulative decision.It is a desperate attempt on the part of the bpd person to feel heard,to be emotionally held (even though they probably won’t let you anywhere near them physically)and to feel loved and cared for and taken seriously and believed.Agressive behaviour can also be a test,a test of whether she can trust you to still like her when you’ve witnessed her ‘real self with all its flaws and fury’.Therefore you are more likely to witness her strong behaviour of you’re her closest friend or partner or spouse because even if she’ll never admit it,she cares about whether or not you will leave her physically or intellectually.There’s little point in her ranting and raving at the guy in front of her in the queue at the supermarket,when she know he’s just gonna walk away when he’s paid anyway.The bpd person’s testing for trustworthy ‘stickaroundable’ people manifests itself in behaviour that says “If I say this,will he leave me?Will he react?Will he counter-transfer all my crap back onto me or will he absorb it,remould it,and hand it back to me gently and calmly?In a fluffy soft ball of something so unlike the hard prickly rock I threw it out at him as,so that I can now hold it myself without fear?”
    It’s a bit of a catch 22 for non-bpds.But however draining and stressful and continually selfless it feels to have to constantly validate their bpd close ones,for every one validation she heals two hurts.For every two validations it heals three hurts.That’s how it feels to me anyway.And then the sooner she’ll be better.If a non-bpd came home from work hungry and with a headache,he would feel relaxed enough in his own home space to make himself something to eat and grab some painkillers and maybe a beer.The bpd shows her way of fixing her ‘hunger’,her ‘headache’ and her ‘thirst’by yelling,kicking,screaming,storming out,attacking,etc etc,but remember,your pain of hunger and thirst is proportionate to the way you calmly make yourself a sandwich.Doesn’t that tell you something of how severe and excruciating her pain is?To her,her ‘hunger’can never be satisfied,her ‘thirst’ will never be quenched,and her ‘headache’is there for ever.That’s real pain.Gently ask her if she thinks another way of dealing with something might be more effective next time.Ask her,don’t tell her.But try to see and feel the depth and constancy of her pain, and then you decide for yourself.

  • Dara

    I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for over 20 years now. Sometimes it’s OK, sometimes it’s not. I am on anti depressents and will be forever I think. I do access therapy if I think I need it.
    Now the high functioning BPD. Yes, I think that’s me. Everyone I don’t actually work with thinks I’m great. But now I’m in a managerial role, and handling people is just so hard. I don’t understand what they’re thinking, or why they do things. I ask them to do something, and then cannot understand why they think it is unreasonable.
    Is there a real possibility I can learn this? Or is having BPD mean I just don’t have the wiring for it?
    So long as people do as they’re told, I’m fine, but I can’t handle conflict properly, and just die inside when something unpleasant happens.

  • faith

    I am considered a high functioning boarder line. I do awesome in the work place and in my distant type friendships. When someone gets close thats when I get crazy. I can not stop the feeling that they are going to bail on me. I am in a relationship now that is doing the cycle. The I love you but dont leave me but I hate please dont go away. I dont know how to step off the merry go round

  • Ruby

    My apparent competence was so high that I thought I was just prone to anxiety/depression until I was 39, and I had my first child. In the year that followed, I realized something deeper was wrong. My coping mechanisms in the past had been to run to yoga, even every day after work if I needed to, or to isolate myself when I felt out of control, or to talk through things in therapy, which did make me feel better but because I was rarely triggered DURING therapy, with an empathetic person listening and validating me, my disorder went undiagnosed. Holding my new baby, and experiencing those same intense mood shifts, I suddenly realized that something else was at play. Something deeper was wrong. It terrified me to feel so out of control and not be able to run out the door. (In fact I considered it, but even in those terrible moments I knew I did not want to abandon my child for even a moment much less for ever.) I started going to anger management classes at night. I had another child. When my second son was a few months old, I got diagnosed, got into DBT, and I am making great progress. Now I do truly consider myself to be high functioning, and very committed to recovery. I have every intention of being a recovered BPD some day– which is to say, a BPD who has lots of tools and lots of practice using them to manage my emotions and behavior. I am no longer simply apparently competent, I am on the road to genuine competence, and my boys are my daily motivation to never give up. Like AJ Mahari says, it comes down to personal responsibility. I understand that more every day, and I am so so grateful for DBT and a therapist who is willing to work with me. Some day I hope to work with people in the field of trauma recovery, as I believe this is an important aspect of recovery from BPD, as well as other physical snd mental illnesses. Love to everyone who is here learning and sharing and discussing.

  • Markos

    Ruby, it sounds like you will be a recovered BPD, if you want it that badly. It takes that kind of desire to walk the path to an ordered plateau. You should be aware that DBT serves to help you manage the mechanisms of anxiety, it does not pull the anxiety weed out by the root. DBT and all of the behavioral therapies, seek to change our processing by cognitive effort; they do not address the psychodynamic foundation of why we develop a disorder. Disorder is an emotional defense; against what, must be asked and answered. DBT is the outside-in approach, and its great, as far as it goes. The benefits will be equal to the discipline you bring to the practice.

    However, if the cognitive behavioral is teamed with an intuitive psychodynamic exploration of the destructive environment from which you hailed and its consequences…… you will find a deeper resolution through an undiluted knowledge of self. As you are HF, you are able to observe the void created by the empty sense of self….. the whys and wherefores of that void are ground zero for every borderline.

    Some simply won’t go there as the process can be very intense. But, from my own personal experience and the many I have mentored, a full understanding of who we are is the only place where recovery is complete and anxiety is checked. There can be no denial and no fantasies. Recognizing and accepting our complete truth is how we can finally live happy and fulfilled lives. It will also give your kids the peaceful mom they would love to have.

    Think about working in BPD recovery at the end of the road. No one can be as effective, leading others out of the swamp, as a fully recovered Borderline.

  • Dixie

    previous post above – I hope the editor – will delete this sentence and use this post and delete the post above – due to so many typos.
    My God I wish I had found this site before. Everything said here is how I feel, how I act, how I have lived my life for 65 yrs. I have had years of therapy – started with the Bradshaw Adult Children’s of Alcoholics back in the late 80′s and early 90′s. I have always had relationships with men – abusive men just like my mother, but never anyone as abusive as my mother thank God. I would consider myself a very HF BP – 2 professional licenses, social worker and a nurse working in the psychiatric field. Getting close to the industry has helped me to learn coping skills. But inside of me – no one wants to see – especially me. However, I have finally found after years of searching – a therapist that does trauma reduction work along with DBT. I have finally through the hard work I have been doing, released a lot of the shame of my own childhood and have been able to release shame from my own shameful behavior due to emotional dysregulation. The shame has been trapped in my body. I am now working on the anger and rage inside of me. At the last session, my therapist asked me how anger/rage did I think I released – I said about 10% and that it felt very scary to let go of. My anger is what I feel has kept me safe. It has always given the energy I need to leave abusive situations. I have used the anger in a destructive way that kept me sick, but helped me to survive – I always blamed others for their behavior and that also gave me energy to achieve more, be more. But finally at age 65 – I am exhausted. I am finally able to admit that things are out of control and I need to give up the mask – as everyone describes. I am becoming softer and I feel I am creating new neural pathways. Giving up the shame – finally enabled me to “see” people – that the way they act – has nothing to do with me – that they are not necessarily just mad at me and that they like everyone else. It has enabled me to finally “see” other people as – “well that is just who that person is” – that is “how that person acts”. May not sound ground breaking to anyone else but to me – it is. Before an angry, mean person – felt life threatening to me – it felt like there was something defectively wrong with me, and this person had figured it out and now I have to leave. I have left jobs b/c I had to work with people like that. I always felt so deeply afraid, that I could not cope. I’d stay awake at night worrying, ruminating all day long about that person, having horrible conversations in my head – cursing them, telling them off, hoping that something bad would happen to them. It would affect my job b/c I’d have to stay longer to get work done that used to take me only a few hours. Then my attitude towards that person would just get worse “inside of me” – it didn’t show on the outside. I never spoke disrespectfully to that person, but I do feel the other person could feel the stress coming from me – in my body and tone of voice, the piercing eye contact I’d give them.
    Today, from the trauma reduction work I did – all that shame has drained out of me. I have new neural pathways, and I don’t feel the need to react. I just feel that person’s anger – and think, “gee that person is having a bad day”. Groundbreaking for me!!!
    I haven’t tested this out in a relationships yet. I am not in one. When I break up with someone – it takes me YEARS to heal. My self hatred is so deep and so thorough that I always blame myself and make the other person out to be a martyr and I am the evil one – even the guys who have almost killed me. So I am not sure how my “new healing” self will function in a relationship. Right now I am isolating because it hurts too much to even think about that. The last breakup 2 1/2 yrs ago has finally led me into searching for a trauma specialist. I was severely abused as a child with led to my BP dysfunction. Today I love myself more, FORGIVE myself A LOT. There are still places inside of myself that I hate but those places are getting smaller. I am also getting older and I don’t have a lot of time.
    I truly truly appreciate everyone sharing their stories here. This has been also so healing to me – I had no idea other people did the same things I did. I see that only 2 people have posted in 2013 but I am so glad this post was here for so long. Well, I am going. I wish everyone who posted here much healing and I’d like to know if they are still around, if they read this post, how they are doing. I hope there is hope for us to recover. As I said I am 65 yrs old, I am just now able to resolve so many of those deep rooted problems that have affected my life. I was always been afraid – terrified really to be labeled BPD – I know what the mental health professionals think of us. But not one of them have had to walk one day in my shoes – our shoes. If anything no one gives us the credit we deserve to get up everyday, in excruciating emotional pain every single day– put a happy face, go to work, pay taxes, attend children’s school functions, help with homework, cook, pay bills, and yet suffer and suffer and suffer in great silence. Sometimes not great silence with those close to us – but at work – never an issue. IF they only knew – they would be giving us medals and finding ways to help us instead of dreading to work with us because of our disorder – our emotional dysregulation. It was not our fault that we got this disorder – for myself it developed as a very realistic way to cope with an extremely abusive childhood. Those strategies which are dysfuncitonal carried over into my adulthood – we deserve help, understanding and love like everyone else.

  • Dave Gordon

    These comments, observations, and insights are amazingly helpful. I had to leave my HF BPD wife almost 2 years ago as the rages violence and abuse were getting worse not better. A patient person I am, but I had no idea what BPD was at the time until a relative turned me on to the “I hate you don’t leave me” and Walking on egg shells research/books. Have studied it for many hundreds of hours in an attempt to understand. More later but thank you everyone and last comment – I do not ‘hate’ my ex for what happened – it is a disease – she had the trifecta – abandonment, neglect and sexual abuse. An amazing, intelligent and good human except for her demons. Again, a tragic disease – but love not hate – would be like hating someone for getting polio. If I can help anyone through conversation I will. Contact with my ex is no longer possible – convinced by my therapist that contact would cause undesirable triggers. I love her too much to do that to her. Hope she finds help to recover. The world could use a healthy her…

  • Isa Belle

    This is one of the most beautiful conversations I read… Thank you… all of you for your honesty, your clear writings, your emotions so well explained… I do not know if I am a BDP or not… I recognize myself in some of your writings… but it was a long time ago… or it is only when very tragic events happen… So I do not know and still I thank you for giving us hope… Sometimes I am like you… But not always and I can’t imagine being always there… The last time was when my husband left 5 years ago… I felt like I was going to die… Why? Not only I am not dead… But I am better off… So much fears… so much hate, so much being certain that I was flawed… I understand you much better now… You are hurting! I think there are much more people who have this disease that it is even known…And you are right Dixie, no one should be hated for having polio…
    Thank you for helping me be a better human being, thank you for allowing me to understand all of you and myself better.. you are beautiful and smart and incredibly deserving of love… And I wish all of us luck on our road to recovery.

  • Bon Dobbs

    Thanks for the kind comment. I do what I can, as do the people that accept my approach to BPD. I’m wishing you the best. It can be so hard.

  • Sam

    I thought people might like to hear my experience with a guy who I believe has high functioning BPD.

    To start with, I am a psychiatrist and over years I have also come across patients in my practice who meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD. At the same time, these patients did not seem to be as floridly chaotic in every aspect of their lives as one would imagine would be the case for typical BPD patients. What I have seen in these patients is that they are able to put on a “good show” in “more distant” social interactions and when it comes to close, intimate relationships, they are filled with lots of conflicting emotions, instabilities, love-hate dynamics, sensitivity to rejection, rage outbursts, extreme emotionality and poor coping skills under stress. These people can be extremely in training or vocational aspect of their life but not so much with relationships. They struggle in personal life but at the same time are liked by colleagues and people not so close to them. These people, like typical BPD patients, usually gave me clear accounts of at least being belittled by caregivers while growing up, if not having been sadly sexually or physically abused, which has left them with a life long ramifications and ripples of early invalidations.

    Now my story. I am a homosexual male and came out of a 3 year relationship with a man 3 months ago. He was at the time that we got to know each other was being treated for “bipolar disorder”, which was soon withdrawn. (his mood fluctuations understandable had made a psychiatrist think he had bipolar even though he never responded to any mood stabilizers.) He was finishing his Ph.D and was still living at home with his mother and a distant father who was nearly always worked overseas. From early on I noticed his ambivalence in being in a relationship with poor coping and what he called “I cannot cope” and “I am overwhelmed when I am in a close relationship.” I loved him and probably still do, and I did all I could to help him. He assaulted me a couple of times, he would love and then hate me in a matter of days if not hours, he would idealize and devaluate me frequently, he would alienate friends and family and block them out of his life at a drop of a hat and then regret and try to make peace with them. He always had suicidal thoughts at the back of his mind but had never acted on them. He was self-absorbed.

    The other cluster of symptoms that attracted my attention was his Autism spectrum like symptoms. From talking to his mother about his childhood it soon made sense why he was “selfish”, socially awkward with stereotypical and odd interest in a remote country ( which was actually his mother’s country of birth). On my encouragement he got a referral from his psychiatrist ( who had already suspected Asperger in him already) for a Asperger’s clinic and went under an extensive neuropsychological study and was formally diagnosed with high functioning autism ( otherwise known as Asperger’s) Based on that diagnosis and my support he went on a disability pension. He has since finished his Ph.D and lives off his disability pension. His reason for studying was to delay having to deal wit people.

    Now I would like to raise two issues regarding High functioning borderline disorder based on my professional experience and my personal experience briefly outlined above.

    First off, the general consensus is some personality disorders are seen as extensions of normalcy. for example, simply put, we all have dependency traits but when it is “too much” and interfering with our functioning or causes distress it is possible when it has reached a “dependent personality disorder” level. Same goes for Narcissistic personality disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Borderline personality disorder is a tricky one. Some scholars believe we all have traits of it which in some people flow into a personality disorder (this is compatible with dimensional approach to personality disorders.) Other experts believe that categorical approach to BPD makes better sense because 50% of BPD patients die of suicide. ( and suicide is not a normal trait, so dimensional approach does not explain it well.) I personally think it can be seen as both in different people and under different circumstances. So far I have leaned towards the categorical approach but my personal experience with the Asperger’s guy makes me think maybe all of us have some traits of borderline personality ( like the sensitivity to rejection, affective negativity) and where we stand in the spectrum is just makes us different from each other. I hypothesize a spectrum from ” none” to “nil visible/ fully matured BP traits” to “high functioning borderline” to “classic full-blown borderline.” In this approach “high functioning borderline personality disorder” is not a “borderline personality disorder” patient who is high functioning (I call it “retrospective definition or approach”), rather, it is a normal human being who has more borderline traits which do not reach the classic BPD as we know it (I call this “prospective definition or approach”).

    Second matter, nearly all people with borderline personality disorder “cope immaturely” under stress. Sometimes the poor coping can be a result of other conditions that lead to arrested personality and coping skills development (like autism spectrum disorder from my experience above.) It is sometimes hard to, just by using the DSM criteria, say how much of behavioral struggles of the person is due to “pure immaturity” and how much of it is due to “borderline personality structure.” In any case, I still believe that the definition “high functioning borderline” encapsulates a group of individuals who share many characteristics with borderline people and also different in their level functioning. They share many similar characteristics among themselves as a group which makes the diagnosis valid in my opinion. They can be very functional and loveable person and this makes it hard not to be with them as much as it is hard to be with them.

  • Hanna

    This makes so much sense. The idea of things being more difficult with those closer and that being linked to more being at stake really resonates with me.
    I have no diagnosis and of course shouldnt speculate too much, but I have suspected for years now that I might be borderline as the criteria fit perfectly on me and how i experience my life. The only thing i couldn’t really identity with is the low functioning aspect. Somehow I always seemed very good at holding myself together until i was alone; And outsiders tend to see me as very high functioning in most areas of life. The only people who have seen the full extent of my emotions and behaviour have been family, the very closest friends and partners. In my search for more information google brought me here, and as I said, your argument in the post makes so much sense to me and might be an explanation for why I feel and am the way I am….

  • Tony

    I came to this site a long time ago, and it was a useful place to begin learning to understand my experience with my now ex-wife. However, I was having some difficulties, as it did not precisely fit my case. I could clearly distinguish borderline features in my then wife’s behaviour, but there were aspects which didn’t fit. She was a ‘high functioning’ individual.

    As time progressed, my wife alienated my children from me, and one of them stopped seeing me. I then began to study the work of Dr. Craig Childress on Parental Alienation. It was through this that I really started to gain a clearer understanding of my ex-wife’s pathology. Childress clearly describes individuals with a combination of narcissistic and borderline features, which are based on childhood attachment traumas. This was like an epiphany to me, a real revelation in understanding why she acted the way she did.

    There is probably little doubt that some here may have similar experiences of parental alienation resulting from a narcissistic/borderline partner, and I would strongly urge you to listen to some of Dr. Childress’s online lectures. It may not fix things, but it may help you understand the operation of their behaviour, and so stop you feeling like you are crazy, and the whole world can’t see what is so obvious to you.

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