Jessica Cahill, who attempted suicide a month ago, describes her anguish

Jessica Cahill tried to kill herself a month ago. She is 28 and has lived with severe anxiety and deep depression since she was 12. Cahill has been hospitalized nearly 30 times in her short life. One psychiatrist recently said she has borderline personality disorder.

Mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety disorders are complex and difficult to explain to those who haven’t lived through them. Cahill described her afflictions eloquently and with clarity over several hours of interviews.

She invites the Star’s readers inside her mind with the hope that it helps at least one person:

I want to talk about suicide because no one talks about it. Maybe if we talk about it, other people won’t feel so alone like I do right now.

I tried to kill myself on Nov. 1. My boyfriend was supposed to be gone all night, but he came back early. By then I had taken about a hundred pills and was unconscious. I was in a coma in the hospital and got out five days later.

I was even more down than usual that day. I usually wake up sad. Mornings are the worst. It takes a while to fall asleep because my mind is overactive. When I do fall asleep, I just want to sleep forever.

And I was just so tired of depression. Everyday I wake up sad and struggle to smile. Every day is the same. I can’t leave the house. I’m just not happy in my life. I felt hopeless and was done.

I wasn’t thinking properly. I was thinking about my parents, who worry so much. I wrote them a note and said I thought it would be better if I go so they can move on and not worry about me anymore.

But then they told me after that that’s ridiculous. I just think that I’m such a problem in their life. My mom is really involved. She wants me to get better, but I don’t know if she really understands I might not ever get better.

I got mixed up with OxyContin. I felt great when I was on Oxy. It numbs my feelings. It slows your brain down because it’s moving too fast otherwise. Millions of thoughts go through my mind — it’s overwhelming. And there are good thoughts mixed in with bad thoughts, but I always focus on the negative thoughts.

Those two months on Oxy were really fun, then it became problematic, and finally it’s hell and you have to have them. At that point, you’re sick when you’re off them and it’s a big fear if you don’t get your pill. You get muscle spasms, then you’re cold and you’re hot, and you got to find money for the next batch because you’ve got to get it.

I’ve been on everything, including Clonazepam. My mom hates Clonazepam. I love it, but I’ll abuse it. The relief I get when I take it is amazing. Within 20 minutes I’m a new person. I can be lying on the couch crying, take a pill and be up half an hour later.

It’s supposed to make you tired, but for me it gets me up, I can go out, talk to people and do everything I usually don’t do. I’m normal. That’s why I love it, but then I get a little anxious about losing that feeling, so I take more. I guess it’s ironic that I get anxious about running out of anti-anxiety pills while I’m taking anti-anxiety medication.

I just can’t take them properly, I pop them too close together and it builds up and I lose inhibition and go crazy.

My anxiety came early. I was a nervous child and really sensitive. I remember every remark and what other children thought. I cared more about what kids would say. In high school, a few boys would consistently make fun of me. They’d laugh at me when I had to speak in front of the class because I was nervous.

You know that butterfly feeling you get when you’re nervous? I have that all the time, although it’s not that bad in my stomach. Much of my anxiety seems to be trapped in my throat, like that frog-in-your-throat kind of feeling. It’s probably also from so much crying.

Since high school, I spent a semester at college, dropped out and have had about 30 jobs. I’d quit or miss shifts and get fired. I just don’t want to leave home. I’m on welfare and feel like a complete drain on society. I want to get a job.

I try to have a little hope. I’m supposed to start school in January at George Brown College. I hope it works out. But I’m worried already that I’ll have to take substances to go. Or I’ll miss class and fall behind. I’m just worried about everything all the time.

It’s hard to even walk down the street. I think people are looking at me, judging me and I feel uncomfortable. It’s scary. I’m lightheaded. And I’m always crying, even outside, even on the bus. And a lot of people don’t get it. They think I’m weak, but I just can’t help it. It’s me. I’ve become anxiety. I’ve become depression.

lcasey@thestar.ca