Insightful comment on lying from an ATSTP Member
Today, one of the members of the ATSTP Google Group made an insightful comment about his wife’s lying.
Lying was a big thing for me as well–I took my wife’s lying personally. In retrospect, I did a lot of damage because of that. I made my wife feel like sh*t by pushing her on it, which didn’t help her or the relationship. I understand now that she used lies as a way to create a space in her life that was more tolerable for her. It was one of her few (albeit ineffective) ways to escape some of her personal anguish, and I took it away from her–not because I wanted to help her, but in order to make ME feel better.
There is absolutely no better way to have somebody fear being close to you than to make yourself feel better at the expense of their emotional well-being. It sounds like you understand this now, but I wanted to emphasize its importance. To anyone who might counter with “But why should I have to put up with lies? What about me?”–My answer is, you don’t. You can leave, and I advise leaving while avoiding doing any needless damage to another human being.
Sorry if that sounds harsh–it’s not directed at you. It’s just that I’ve seen the damage that anxious, fearful, and entitled partners (ie, me a couple of years ago) can do to people struggling with internal demons. I’m not at all being hard on myself either–just realistic. I didn’t know better at the time.
3 Comments
becca
while leaving is an option a bpd does not ever have the option of leaving the trauma that exsists only trying to find ways to cope and adapt so you other leave or love your parter enough to grow ,adapt and cope by no means do you do a bpd any favors by just putting up with their behaviour and gulit and shameing them . unless you you are will to grow and change and apadt your right ..to leave because your malicous behavoiur is doing more damage
Eileen
Desiring a relationship in which your partner does not lie to you is not ‘entitled’. Lying damages trust and, therefore, intimacy. It is actually not possible to have an intimate relationship with someone who lies to you and whom you therefore cannot trust. To not accept being lied to is not ‘entitled’. It is to have clear, appropriate and healthy boundaries. To continue a relationship in which your boundaries are transgressed is not healthy. A healthy relationship is one in which both partners come halfway. It is not one in which one partner accepts their boundaries being transgressed in the misguided belief that they are ‘helping’. Accepting anyone, including someone with BPD, behaving badly towards you does THEM no favours, because they will inevitably feel bad and ashamed of it later; and it gives them the mistaken view that their bad behaviour is acceptable and will be accepted, when it isn’t and will not be by most people.
Morti
Hello Bon Dobbs,
It’s me again. Thank you very much for the quick reply to my question below the Kurt Cobain post.
This post here is really explaining to me.
You know, the boy I was talking abour is somehow a really nice guy, except for the lies he’s telling and the things he’s sometimes doing.
Sometimes that behavior seems rightout evil, since he really seems to try to get innocent people in trouble for things he did, while taking their innocence to himself with.
But I guess, he’s just to deep inside his web of lies and dreams to calm himself and some others with, to become honest, when it would be necessary.
He would turn out as the bad guy in front of others and probably more important: In front of himself, if he would face and tell the truth.
I never had the feeling he was doing that on purpose and I talked a lot of times about that stuff to him.
He always said, he was sorry and cried and begged me to not leave him alone.
I told him, I wouldn’t if he promised me, to never do that again or at least tell me before it’s to late.
But it happened over and over and over again until I couldn’t take it anymore.
I never choose to tell him why, but I started to keep distance from him at some point.
The only problem is, that he keeps on telling lies and I and the other can’t absolutly avoid contact, since we’re at the same school. 🙁
I really was angry at him, for acting that way, but now I kinda understand more, what he must feel like.
And you’re right. Leaving is probably the best thing one can do, to cause as minimal damage as possible.
Thank you very much. 🙂