Frequently Asked Questions of the Anything to Stop the Pain Blog
When Hope is Not Enough
Get the Non-BPD book that is designed for
staying and working on the relationship
Who are you (Bon Dobbs)?
My name is Bon Dobbs and I am the owner and operator of the Anything to Stop the Pain (ATSTP blog) blog and the Anything to Stop the Pain Google Email Support Group (ATSTP List). I have a wife of over 15 years with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD). One of my daughters also has BPD-like traits, although she is currently too young to be diagnosed with the disorder.
I am fairly well-known in the online loved ones of people with BPD (or Non-BPD) support community. Several years ago I started reading and posting on the Internet’s largest email support group for Non-BP’s. This group is the “Welcome to Oz” (WTO) group and is listed on Yahoo groups. I soon found that I didn’t like the tone of the discussion over at WTO, and I started my own group on Google. My email support group is the home of about 500 members and serves to share strategies and tools with which the members can live a more peaceful life with someone with BPD.
In the summer of 2008, I published a book, When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. This book is a collection of most of my knowledge about BPD and a collection of tools and resources for a Non-BP to effectively communicate with someone with BPD. When Hope is Not Enough (aka WHINE) has already helped hundreds of Non-BP’s learn to be more effective in their relationships.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness characterized by emotional dysregulation (the opposite of regulation), shame and impulsiveness. The DSM-IV (which is the diagnostic manual for mental illnesses in the United States) categorizes BPD as a personality disorder (Axis II) and sets out nine criteria for the diagnosis of this disorder. The criteria can be found here.
I personally believe that BPD is chiefly an emotional disorder and I am hoping that in the next version of the DSM, the APA will decide to rename and reclassify the disorder. One of the candidates for the renaming of BPD is Emotional Regulation Disorder, which, in my opinion, does a better job of describing the disorder. Only time will tell if the disorder will be renamed and/or reclassified.
Are you a doctor or therapist?
No. I am not currently a doctor or mental health professional of any kind. I am a concerned loved one of someone with BPD. I do provide advice and support for Non-BP’s, but my advice and support are not a substitute for proper and professional mental health care. My efforts are merely as a lay person who is familiar with the disorder and the pains and frustrations it can cause loved ones. I share what has worked for me – in this blog, in my support email group and, most completely, in WHINE.
Why did you call your book “When Hope is Not Enough”?
I wrote a post a few months ago about hope as an impediment to actually solving problems. I believe that, while hope can help in a situation, especially when the situation is hopeless, it is more effective to find skills and tools that can help you in your relationships. Finding effective skills and tools is sometimes a difficult task. You may have read many other books about BPD and how to deal with someone with the disorder. Many of these are clinical, others are written for the Non-BP market. I have probably read most, if not all, the books written for the Non-BP market. I found that most of them were lacking on the “how” to do it – and that was what I wanted and needed the most. I needed to know WHAT to do and HOW to do it. So rather than write another, “how much I tried and how much I hoped it would work out, but it didn’t, so I had to divorce her” book, I decided to write a “this is what I collected and practiced with someone with BPD and this is what worked for me” book. The thing is, I didn’t pin my hopes on anything – I instead tried to get skillful and master the tools and techniques that work.
Oh, and just to counter the argument that I was being snide by calling the book WHINE, that was an accident actually. I am not calling Non-BPs whiners or anything. I actually titled the book “When Love is Not Enough” to start with, but I changed the name to better representative of the message and to prevent a conflict with another book with that title.
What causes BPD?
The experts on BPD are split as to the causes. I personally believe it is a combination of biological and environmental factors. I like the Equifinality Model (see links for that) and Marsha Linehan’s biosocial model. In the biosocial model, the environmental role is played by the “invalidating environment.” It contends that a person can live in an invalidating environment (even without abuse) that denies the validity of a person’s emotional responses. This dynamic leads to shame and shame builds in BPD. A personwho is already emotionally sensitive to triggers (i.e. they get hot quickly and cool down slowly) perceives that other’s reactions to their emotional responses do not grant those emotional responses validity. Since they is the “way they are” the internalization of this situation leads to a feeling of “brokenness” or “wrongness.” That can further build on itself and led to poor self-image, isolation and shame. Again, if you want to learn to the skills to help reverse this downward spiral… read WHINE. Of course, actual abuse (especially sexual, where a person is used as a tool for another’s gratification) is the ultimate form of invalidation.
Is it actually possible to have a relationship with someone with BPD?
Yes. If you understand the disorder and if you know what you CAN do and what you CAN’T do, it is possible to have an effective and productive relationship with someone with the disorder. Many people have heard horror stories about people with BPD. Most of the advice you receive on the Internet is of the “run away now!” variety. However, I didn’t think this advice was productive in my relationship. So, I decided to learn about the disorder and to master the skills that helped reshape my relationship. I am still married and very close to my BPD-like daughter.
More questions to come….
