Borderline Personality Disorder

Discovering a new language: e Prime and Healing

To exist or not to exist. This I ponder – Hamlet in e Prime

A little while ago, while researching Borderline Personality Disorder and, more specifically, how a Non-BP can heal themselves, I stumbled onto a new language. Well, actually this language modifies English. The creator of the language named it “e Prime”. How does “e Prime.” E Prime seeks to modify English removing the verb “to be.” Why bother? In the case of healing, recovery and support, we bother because too often we get sloppy with the verb “to be.” We use it generally in such a way that introduces judgment (often unknowingly) into our relationships and into our own self-image. If you really look carefully at it, the verb “to be,” in many forms, labels situations in such a way that we begin to think rigidly. Purging “to be” from our lexicon makes things extremely difficult. We use the verb so often that to remove it becomes a huge effort. Yet, the reasons to remove the verb (at least in certain forms) improves our thinking, clarifies the current situation and helps to hone our understanding of a situation.

What does the idea of speaking without “to be” mean? Let ‘s start with some examples that can illustrate the benefits of e Prime…

Old way  –  New Way
He’s a liar –  He lied to me
She’s a thief – She took my notebook without asking
I am a failure – I failed at that task

E Prime refines the way we think about ourselves, others and, perhaps most importantly, time. Rather than saying he/she IS (always) a [whatever], we focus on actions in the moment. We focus on measureable events. People with BPD and those that love them can tend to do label others (and themselves) in blanket statements about what the other group IS. The problem with “to be” seems to be that it introduces a label, it introduces rigidity.

If I were asked what I do for a living, I could say, “I am a lawyer.” However, rather than define myself that way, I could also say “I practice law.” Sure, it seems clunky and ridiculous at times, so, how do you benefit?

You benefit  by honing your thought process – about yourself and about your loved one. The label of BP (or borderline or BPD) can serve as an impediment to effective behavior. How one thinks about the world can affect how one behaves. So, if you, as someone who cares about a person with BPD, start to think in a calcified way, those thoughts can spill over into the relationship. Even more importantly, if you decide to think about yourself in a “to be” fashion – i.e. “I am a loser,” “I am co-dependent,” “I am the right one here” or “I am stuck,” then you ending up labeling yourself and sticking yourself in time. You don’t take into consideration the flexibility of the moment or that you have the ability to change.
Let’s take an example…  First, one for yourself and then one in an interaction with your loved one with BPD….

Rather than thinking: “I must be a failure or stupid to have her do that to me again.” You think “I feel that I failed at that because she did that to me again.” This functions to reframe the interaction toward locally in time, rather than expanding it through identification.

Now for a loved one: “You are manipulating me by threatening to leave right now.” You can think: “I feel uncomfortable with your behavior because it feels as if you’re trying to manipulate me.” The difference again is in the identification. By removing “to be” from the lexicon, we localize particular events and we also seek not to misidentify, label or otherwise create a calcification around a particular label.

Your thoughts?

(BTW I wrote this using e Prime and found it difficult!)

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