That book is based on our experience and the experience of people in our support group. It identifies a list of 9 strategies for coping with the mental health problems of a loved one, which you can read on our website listed below.

Amy’s family and friends, or anyone else dealing with these kinds of issues, may find the book and site helpful.

Tom Smith
Author of “A Balanced Life” and Co-Founder of the Karla Smith Foundation
http://karlasmithfoundation.org/

BPD is usually alone, but when you get a male BPD then usually see PDN and NPD and is difficult to recognise. They usually come the notice of society via A&E and the Police service. Look at the city, you’ll find them there, and with the current credit crunch, I bet that there will be quiet a few disordered reactions.

sad. yes. very…

BPDs are no more or less “evil” than any other human being. BPDs are confronted with issues of life, just as all human beings are. The reasons the BPD’s behaviors are often misaligned with what one would describe as normal are varied. There is a high degree of agreement on what constitutes symptoms or traits exhibited by a BPD oriented person, however.

The pain associated with watching a loved one who is entrapped in a relationship with a BPD, and the BPD does not acknowledge they have a personality disorder, may drive this person to believe that “evil” is behind the BPDs actions.

To me, any behavior that is based upon selfishness and results in a non-loving action to another human being is wrong, and the religious person, regardless of their affiliation, might view such action as sinful or evil. We must be very careful, however, to not judge, for, as human beings, we cannot see into the heart of another and see intent. Only God sees into the hearts and knows intent. All we see are actions but we do not know the fear behind a BPDs actions; whether or not they are calculated and deliberate behaviors that are designed to destroy other relationships that are important in the Non’s life, or not.

I would like to believe, but don’t know, that the BPD seeks 24×7 assurance that her/his significant other is 100% devoted and available to her/him. Whenever the Non is out of sight or contact with the BPD, it is “normal” for the BPD to suffer anxiety that swells up into fear. Fear of either being abandoned or fear of impending abandonment, runs rampant quickly with the BPD and results in obsessive behavior - calling on the phone non-stop, searching with increasing panic for the Non, and as this is unfolding, rage is building up within the BPD.

As most of us know, when we become enraged (and who hasn’t?) it is very difficult to think rationally. Why should we expect the BPD to be different? The issue, to me, is not so much why the BPD is this way (although knowing root cause certainly might help with remedy) but more importantly, what can the BPD do to move away from their fear based behavior cycle? A cycle that starts with the thought, moves to heavier and heavier self focus on what might “really” be happening, and falsely believing that unless they obtain immediate affirmation that their “loved one” is not abandoning them, they are being abandoned.

The cycle continues exponentially if the BPD does not find that affirmation quickly. The fear escalates as they fantasize they are being abandoned and rage moves in. When contact is made with their significant other the Non is emotionally assaulted, and even possibly physically abused, because of the BPD’s uncontrolled state of fear and rage.

Is this evil — NO.

Is the BPD evil —- NO.

Is the pattern of the BPD a mature, emotionally healthy way to see her/his loved one who is not available to her/him —- NO.

Is it easy for those who love the Non, to stand idly by and accept what appears to be evil and bizarre behavior that is crippling the Non — NO.

What I chose to believe is that evil is at work in this process, just as it is in all human processes when human beings must chose a course of action when relating with and to others. If we chose the higher path that is based on being kind and understanding, loving people, we chose a “good” path. If, on the other hand, we chose a path that is selfish and abusive to others we have chosen a path that is less than good. If our choice is deliberately made to inflict pain or abuse on another it is “evil for us to do so”. If our choice is based on an illness or emotionally corrupt pattern that we have come to accept as “normal” for ourselves at least, we are in error but we are not evil.

Evil, however, does exist and will rejoice whenever we chose to behave in ways that are non-loving to our neighbor. Evil, in my opinion, does have the power to influence our choices, just as Good does. But evil does not have the power to choose for us. Spiritual warfare does occur, for what else is the Christian to believe from the words, “We war not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities we cannot see”.

So, rather than throwing rocks at the BPD what is a correct response? Only a loving response that seeks to understand the mind and heart of the suffering BPD can help the BPD recognize the crippling affect, to themselves and others, of their own behaviors, and want to overcome them.

Just like anyone who suffers from a personally challenging behavior, or even addiction, the first step to remedy begins with acknowledgement that “I have a problem and I want to be healed from it”. Without that, the afflicted person is doomed to remain in their pattern of pain and torment, and continue to inflict pain on all those in the afflicted’s life that loves them.

Prayer and more prayer are certainly powerful tools. Very important is that those who love both the Non and the BPD afflicted person, to provide a loving response. This does not mean that one must accept the BPD’s actions and not challenge their behavior. But it does mean that all those involved, not just the Non, who too often suffers silently, must reach out for the purpose of helping the BPD recognize they have a personality disorder.

The personality disorder is deep and complicated, I am sure, as it is based on how the BPD views and reacts to behaviors that are totally innocent and normal in daily life. The BPD must be brought to the place that they may be able to recognize that their behaviors are counter-productive to what they want most - a loving relationship that is based on the Non truly valuing the character and characteristics of the BPD.

Sadly, for many Nons, their continued presence in the BPD’s life is based on fear that has them in a paralyzed state of inaction. While the Non’s presence may assure the BPD they are not being abandoned, it robs the BPD of what they want most - a person who truly loves them for what they want to believe they are.

The Non further exasperates the cruelty of what the BPD suffers with, because they continue the allusion that all is “normal” AS LONG AS THE NON IS PROVIDING EXACTLY WHAT THE BPD SUFFERER EXPECTS! As soon as a behavior change occurs, even as slight as not being where one said when one said, the BPD reacts abnormally and the Non is assaulted emotionally once again.

The struggling BPD and Non MUST come to common belief that a personality disorder exists and PROFESSIONAL help MUST be sought to understand the disorder. They must seek help to know what actions MUST be taken to move away from the disorder. Without this, the BPD, the Non, and all those who are friends and family of both the BPD and Non will experience an ever deepening suffering.