I do not think that lying and manipulation are part of this diagnosis. If they seem to be present, look either to another PD or to shame and anxiety as the cause, along with a long history of learning to never overtly state what you needed to be okay, or to express how rotten you felt, as the consequences always seemed to be much worse…

Sometimes it seems as if people hate those that are dx BPD precisely because they haven’t quite gone off the deep end for good. It’s bewildering how many professionals seem to resent them for this too.
They may curl up in a fetal position for hours, but then they will struggle out of bed and go on. They smile at us, while their inner world self-destructs. They might seem as alive as anyone, but -in the best of times- they feel dead inside; and as intelligent and gifted as many of them are, they never realize their full potential. But they would rather die than admit this to the outside world.

Who would today be dx’d BPD? Vincent Van Gogh, Kafka, Proust, Nathanial West, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison…

It’s ironic that they are so often seen as “emotional” when what they lack is a full nuanced range of emotions. Inner tension keeps anxiety coiled, emotionally stressful situations release it, and before they have a chance to think through what they feel, they are overwhelmed by fear and anger and despair. They get mired in their negativity. Studies have shown that those with BPD do not get angry more often than anyone else, but they have trouble leaving it behind when they do. And afterwards they drown in remorse, because these reactions are NOT felt to be syntonic. No one seems to pay much attention to this, but all other “personality disorders” are understood to be PD’s because they are syntonic with the personality. This is radically different in BPD.

That right there should raise lots of doubts about what this dx is. Is it part of the affective disorder spectrum? Is a akin to partial seizures in frontal lobe epilepsy? Is it a developmental disorder akin to autism? This is all possible, and perhaps BPD is a dx given to many different people who do not share underlying causes. This should at least stop us from quickly claiming that they CHOSE to feel the way they do. As if they were hell bent on living in hell…

When they do awkwardly, fearfully, try to communicate this pain, when they do reach out for help, they generally do so when their psyche is at it’s most shattered. They will quickly learn that their behavior is not acceptable to anyone. So they’ll go through DBT or through some other behavioral therapy, and sink into so much shame and guilt that lo and behold they will no longer qualify on the DSM for BPD; they will have learned to suffer in silence and to isolate (if they haven’t before – many of those with BPD will never consult a therapist in their lifetime and go through life pretty much invisible), learned to not bother anyone, but the dysthymia, the insomnia, and the dysphoria will still be there, eroding their lives, their aliveness. And as hard as they try, fear will still strike them out of the blue when they least expect it. As hard as they try, they will still plummet down into misery with the least negative emotion. Skinless creatures, they can not tune out human suffering, they can do nothing about the heightened sensitivity that they were born with. Only now no one will know. And so hopefully, thankfully, no one will ever call them “Borderline” again.

 

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Judgment Hurts those with BPD

A person with BPD fears judgment almost to the point of being allergic to it. She is extremely sensitive to judgment from other people, even if that judgment is merely perceived. Because of the shame (the belief that she is a bad person and deserves to be deemed as such) and the rejection sensitivity, a person with BPD avoids situations in which her actions can be judged by others. When I say “judged” here and “judgment,” what I am referring to is not “using one’s better judgment” in a situation, but rather it is the sense that a person’s actions or the person herself can be judged as “right or wrong” in a given context.

Interestingly, even with a strong fear of judgment of herself and her own behavior and self, she also tends to judge other’s behavior and character harshly. How many times has your loved one with BPD told you that you were doing something “wrong” or that you are a “mean” or “bad” person?

Fear of judgment and emotional reactions to judgment (real or perceived) is a major issue for a person with BPD. Judgment of her actions causes emotional pain and to avoid judgment, she might lie or avoid social situations in which she feels she will be judged. If she is consistently concerned with doing something “the right way” or she feels that you think she “does everything wrong,” it is likely that she suffers from a fear of judgment.

Additionally, there is a stigma associated with being “crazy” when a person has BPD. A person with BPD might feel “not normal” inside and might have felt that way most of her life. However, if the outside world labels as “crazy” or “not normal” or “mentally ill,” it becomes an external validation for what she might already feel. The fact that others “know” about her can make her feel exposed. It is a form of judgment and fear of it that reduces the likelihood that the person will “admit” she has a problem.

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Rage burns and burns

In the support groups, rage is one of the most talked about aspects of BPD. Why? Because it is one of the most difficult for the Non-BPD to endure. Many people ask themselves, why is this person so angry (with me)? It seems to make no sense. A person with BPD will fly into a rage about seemingly nothing. The smallest thing that is out of place or not done the way that this person expects causes sometimes hours of anger and raging, yelling and screaming and sometimes physical violence. Again, many Nons ask: “what’s up with that?”

Anger and rage are usually secondary emotions to other primary ones. Sensitivity to judgment plays a major role in the triggering of rage. The symptoms and feelings associated with BPD interact and, at times, feed each other. In the case of rage, I believe that it is fed by two other symptoms: shame and sensitivity to judgment (which is also fed by shame).

When someone with BPD feels shameful and when you (as a “Non”) criticize or judge her behavior as “bad” or “negative,” the trigger for rage is pulled within the person with BPD. Why? Because your judgment reflects her shameful feelings and resonates deeply into her core beliefs about herself. She panics that you are “finding out” that she is a bad person. She has to (at all costs) defend her “goodness.” What I have found with my own borderline is that this is the point at which she will rage and introduce the “what about you?” argument. The “what about you?” argument is a way to rage at the Non and release anxiety about the Non finding out about her shameful “badness.” Some people in the support community like to call this “projection” or “denial.” I personally don’t believe it is actually projection or denial (although there are times in which projection is clearly there). It is a form of misdirection to try to take the focus off their inner shame and refocus the discussion on you and your faults.

Nobody is perfect, not even you. When a person with BPD rages against you, you often feel very imperfect – especially if she uses the “what about you?” attack. When someone with BPD uses the “what about you?” technique she is usually deflecting blame and judgment on you. However, you experience the rage as hurtful to your very self. You find that the rage “forces” you to defend yourself against her. That is what the “what about you?” attack/rage does best. That is its intention; it puts you on the defensive and shifts focus away from her and her behavior. As I said, it is form of redirection away from the person with BPD’s shame.

One interesting thing about raging is that once the anger and raging is done, it is usually over. Sometimes the person with BPD will be exhausted after the rage and will just collapse and go to sleep. The same is the case with tired children. Sometimes a tired child will have a temper tantrum (which is a form of rage) and then, once the emotions are released, she will either go to sleep or sit placidly in your arms. The inner agitation has been released and she is done.

Adapted from the FAQ from When Hope is Not Enough

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I believe that there is no right or wrong way to approach human emotions – there’s an effective way and an ineffective way and there are shades of grey in between those “polar” opposites. The effective way gets a positive outcome. That positive outcome is typically the return to baseline of the borderline and the establishment of a modicum of trust with others. One of the most important issues with borderlines seems to be the idea that they believe no one understands them (they feel “strange” – I said “broken” in WHINE, but I think that it was [a recovered borderline on the list] who clarified that it’s more like a “not feeling ‘normal’ and ‘fitting in’ feeling”), they can’t trust anyone with their emotions because many people have invalidated their feelings throughout their life and this leads to “silent desperation” and the inability to communicate effectively how they feel. If, through the use of my tools, you are able to gradually establish an environment in which your wife feels that she can safely express her emotions, which will go a long way toward establishing trust.

Secondly, you posted that you feel as through your feelings do not have a forum for airing and validation. Unfortunately for you, your wife sounds like a typical borderline. She is impulsive, she cuts, she abuses substances – especially painkillers. The divorce talk is probably born of either shame (“I will leave you before you leave me”) or of a feeling that she is being judged and/or disrespected (or not appreciated and accepted for whom she feels that she is). That leads to a certain mind-set that essentially makes her believe that, since no one has ever listened to her feelings before, she must dig in and hold on to her feelings as if she is the only person in the world. That is, “if I don’t fight for myself no one will”. This situation makes it difficult for you to express how you feel because she gets the message (even if it is not true): “YOU MADE me feel this way” because she thoroughly believes that about you. The reason she believes that you (and others, not just you) make her feel like she feels is that she is unable to self-regulate and looks to others to regulate her own emotionally states. When [a recovered borderline on the list] said something about her being more worried about what you think of her, she hit the nail on the head, because a borderline (and possibly for biological reasons) has a great deal of internal chaos and the usual strategy (also possibly biological) is to internalize other’s feelings and opinions about her self. It’s odd, yet I think that this dynamic is the one in which all the talk of not respecting boundaries arises. She feels at some level that you are actually a “part” of her, because she requires external validation. When that external validation turns to judgment, she has to cut you out of her mind. Sadly, she will continue to seek others (particularly men) to self-regulate until she can self-regulate.

As for IAAHF (“It’s all about his/her feelings”), one thing that many people read into that is that EVERY interpersonal situation is about her feelings and that she will not EVER be able to empathize with yours. This is neither the intent of IAAHF or the case. Borderlines are really empathetic (really no kidding they can be) but only when they are not on fire internally and emotionally. The intent of IAAHF is to EXPLAIN the “crazy” behavior, not to make a blanket statement about the relationship. When asked “why would she cut herself?” (for example) the answer is IAAHF. She’s in pain and the cutting helps alleviate that pain. Or asked “why is she raging at me over nothing?” (which happened to me the other night, presumably out of the blue). The answer is IAAHF.

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I believe this feature is born of an unstable sense of self. A person with BPD has difficulty “locating herself in the world.”  While two of the other “core” features of BPD are “systems related” (meaning, those features are based on subsystems of the mind – the emotional regulation system, the impulsivity control system), shame and the preoccupation with interpersonal relationships are based more on a person with BPD’s view of herself. While it might seem that interpersonal relationships are outside of self, a more complex picture arises as we look more deeply into the mental configuration of BPD.

A recent study showed that the number one trigger of systems dysregulation (like wildly swinging emotions and impulsive behavior) is interpersonal distress. This interpersonal distress is more important as a trigger of dysregulated behavior than sweeping/major life changes – in fact major life changes, such as changing jobs, getting married, having a child – were ranked last of nine factors that trigger BPD distress. The interpersonal, moment-to-moment perception of the state of an important relationship is the most important trigger. That can be bad news for someone in a close relationship with someone with BPD. The person with BPD will be continuously scanning the interpersonal landscape for threats. Since shame is involved, people with BPD are likely to use others to regulate their internal systems and their self-view. In other words, a person with BPD uses others as a mirror to view their self.

Why is this so? I believe that a person with BPD’s lack of internal regulation causes her to internalize other people and use others to self-regulate. When someone has an inability to locate herself in the world, which very possibly arises from the emotional instability as a child, she seeks to have others locate her for her. She needs others to verify and validate that she’s “ok”. Unfortunately, because few of us are taught the language of emotional regulation, a person with BPD will likely learn that the interpersonal landscape is not safe; it is full of threats to their very self. It’s not an easy situation in which to live. If a person requires external validation and regulation, there develops a sense of a lack of control. Others are unpredictable, don’t understand how it feels and can damage the very core of her being.

People with BPD have described this internal feeling of emptiness and lack of internal controls as feeling “dead inside,” which is in itself, tragic. Extending this feeling to others through this preoccupation with close interpersonal relationships leaves a person with BPD with the feeling that others contribute to this unpleasant internal feeling. In other words, “it’s your fault that I feel this way.”

Many Non-BPD’s ask me why their loved ones with BPD don’t seem to trust them. To me, this aspect of BPD is a significant factor, along with other biological factors.

All of that being said, let’s suffice it to say that interpersonal relationships play a huge role in BPD. Social connections and attachments, including parent/child attachments, are the focus point of a person with BPD’s sense of well being. When these trigger dysregulation and/or ineffective modes of thinking and behavior, a person with BPD is lost in the world, floating free in a threatening sea of feelings, thoughts and behaviors.

One must understand that in order for the interpersonal tools to work properly, they need to be understood and applied in a step-wise fashion. I have often said to my list members that “you can’t boil the ocean” which means that you can’t jump to the end before you walk the path. You can’t do everything all at once. Instead, you have to take one small step at a time in a longer journey. The goal of all of my tools, attitudes, skills and approaches is (in my mind) a compassionate, trusting, respectful and two-way relationship in which both parties feel known, heard, understood and worthy. Achieving that goal is hitting a grand slam so to speak. Yet, I feel that a person must be given the fundamentals and practice those fundamentals before you can hit one out of the park. Emotions which are the first layer to unravel peel back from the onion that is BPD. Understanding emotions in oneself and others is vital to having a two-way relationship with someone with BPD.

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The core problem with BPD is poor emotional regulation. That particular problem can cause other symptoms to arise as the person with BPD becomes emotionally dysregulated. This term emotionally dysregulated (or just dysregulated) is used to denote the state in which a person with BPD is overcome with powerful and, at many times, misaligned emotional reactions. Remember that emotions don’t arise on their own; they are based on cues or triggers from the environment and compared by our “emotional immune system” to the meaning of the cue. For a person with BPD, the meaning can be misjudged or, as is more often the case, the sensitivity to emotional cues is greatly heightened.

An example is a heat-sensing system that helps to detect and suppress fires. Sometimes companies will install heat-sensing equipment in addition to smoke detectors so that they can protect assets that need a certain temperature to operate (e.g. computer equipment which might cease working at a high temperature). The setting at which an alarm goes off might be 80 degrees Fahrenheit. In the case of someone with BPD, the setting (or “tolerance” as it is called in the control community) is naturally set much lower, at say, 50 degrees Fahrenheit. That means that the alarm will be raised much more often and lead to a reaction to the alarm. In other words, people with BPD will experience many, many (what you would consider) false alarms. However, these false alarms seem completely real to them, because their tolerance for emotional triggers is set very low. They are constantly running a fire drill. Unfortunately for you, the BP may drag you along unwillingly and unwittingly for the drill. (Pages 32-33 of WHINE)

As you can see, the position I take in WHINE is that emotional regulation is the “core issue” of BPD. This position is in line with the DBT way of thinking, which is why one of the “modules” of DBT is emotional regulation skills.

The question is today: is emotional regulation at the “core” of BPD? Or does it go deeper than that? Is there a “cause” for emotional regulation? What are the triggers and how does a person with BPD’s internal feelings affect this “systems dysregulation”?

In the American Journal of Psychiatry, Drs. Stanley and Siever recently (January 2010) publish an article entitled “The Interpersonal Dimension of Borderline Personality  Disorder: Toward a Neuropeptide Model “ in which they seem to posit (in my interpretation again, since I am a lay person and not a doctor) that this systems dysregulation actually has another cause instead of being a “core cause’ of the disorder. They begin the article like this:

Borderline personality disorder is a complex disorder associated with substantial morbidity, mortality, and public health costs. Prominent symptoms include suicidal behavior, nonsuicidal self-injury, aggressive outbursts, and emotional reactivity, all of which typically manifest in an interpersonal context. For several years, there has been an ongoing discussion about whether impulsive aggression or affective dysregulation is at the core of the disorder. While these factors are important in borderline personality disorder, it is the exquisite interpersonal sensitivity that frequently triggers both dysregulated affect and impulsive behaviors, which suggests that this sensitivity perhaps rests at the core of the disorder and may in turn drive impulsivity and dysregulated affect.

They go on to say this:

It is noteworthy that many symptoms in the interpersonal domain of borderline personality disorder are actually manifestations of intrapersonal difficulties (e.g., difficulty being alone and misperception of the intentions of others as malevolent), and this dimension could perhaps be reconceptualized as “intrapersonal dysfunction.” We suggest that an internal feeling of well-being, stability, and self-regulation in borderline personality disorder is tenuous and may rely heavily on a sense of interpersonal contact and connectedness.

So, what’s afoot here? What are they saying and what does it mean to the nons of the world?

It seems to me that they are saying two very important things about BPD that has previously been “unnoticed” as DBT has reigned the clinical community. These are:

• “…it is the exquisite interpersonal sensitivity that frequently triggers both dysregulated affect and impulsive behaviors, which suggests that this sensitivity perhaps rests at the core of the disorder and may in turn drive impulsivity and dysregulated affect.” Basically, that the interpersonal sensitivity is the “control” of is sensitive to the (emotional) heat.
• “We suggest that an internal feeling of well-being, stability, and self-regulation in borderline personality disorder is tenuous and may rely heavily on a sense of interpersonal contact and connectedness.” That means that the lack of internal well-being makes the person with BPD sensitive to interpersonal cues.

What do those two important factors mean to you – the loved one or family member? In my mind they mean that a person with BPD uses people in close personal relationships to self-regulate. In other words, being unable to self-regulate internally, they look to external people to regulate their emotions, reactions, sense of well-being and behavior.  They believe at some level that you, the loved one, is an extension of their mind, emotions and feelings and assume to you “should know what to do” when they are feeling dysregulated.

What SHOULD you do when this situation occurs? What should you do when they are triggered? What should you avoid?

I believe that the most effective answer is to help them learn to self-regulate and self-validate. This “lack of well-being” is an unpleasant feeling (I would imagine) and probably feels like a HUGE lack of control. I mean, if a person has to rely on other (unpredictable) people to self-regulate, how must that feel? Having compassion for that feeling is definitely a goal. However, before that comes (and it can be cultivated BTW), one can listen, ask, redirect the choice, validate, normalize and cheer lead when appropriate. Don’t defend or minimize. Living a life in which you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop has got to be unpleasant.

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Shame and Implicit Self-Concept in Women With Borderline Personality Disorder

* Nicolas Rüsch, M.D., Klaus Lieb, M.D., Ines Göttler, M.D.,
Christiane Hermann, Ph.D., Elisabeth Schramm, Ph.D., Harald Richter, Ph.D.,
Gitta A. Jacob, Ph.D., Patrick W. Corrigan, Psy.D., and Martin Bohus, M.D. *

*OBJECTIVE: *Shame is considered to be a central emotion in borderline personality disorder and to be related to self-injurious behavior, chronic suicidality, and anger-hostility. However, its level and impact on people with borderline personality disorder are largely unknown. The authors examined levels of self-reported shame, guilt, anxiety, and implicit shame-related self-concept in women with borderline personality disorder and assessed the association of shame with self-esteem, quality of life, and anger-hostility.

*METHOD: *Sixty women with borderline personality disorder completed self-report measures of
shame- and guilt-proneness, state shame, anxiety, depression, self-esteem, quality of life, and clinical symptoms. Comparison groups consisted of 30 women with social phobia and 60 healthy women. Implicit shame-related self-concept (relative to anxiety) was assessed by the Implicit Association Test.

*RESULTS: *Women with borderline personality disorder reported higher levels of shame- and guilt-proneness, state shame, and anxiety than women with social phobia and healthy comparison subjects. The implicit self-concept in women with borderline personality disorder was more shame-prone (relative to anxiety-prone) than in women in the comparison groups. After depression was controlled for, shame-proneness was negatively correlated with self-esteem and quality of life and positively correlated with anger-hostility.

*CONCLUSIONS: *Shame, an emotion that is prominent in women with borderline personality disorder, is associated with the implicit self-concept as well as with poorer quality of life and self-esteem and greater anger-hostility. Psychotherapeutic approaches to borderline personality disorder need to address explicit and implicit aspects of shame.

http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/abstract/164/3/500

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Are you and your BP on the same team?

When someone is highly emotional, they need to know that they have an advocate and that someone is on “their side.” I often ask my consulting clients (especially partners of people with emotional regulation issues) if they feel that their partner and they are “on the same team.” Many times the answer is no. Why does someone have a desire to have someone on their side, even when the “sides” are not desired, intended or even clearly delineated? The answer in my mind comes down to shame and rejection sensitivity.

If a person has shame (or even low self-worth, which is similar), then the person is likely to have a high level of rejection sensitivity. Being rejected by others is painful, especially for emotional people. Having an advocate of their “side” of the issue, which is essentially answering, “I am on your side no matter what the situation,” is tantamount in these highly emotional, social interactions that involve rejection. One can be “on their side” emotionally without condoning whatever behavior that one doesn’t agree with.

There are teaching moments and there are times that one doesn’t teach. If you try and teach, punish or impart values during a period of emotional dysregulation, the relationship will be damaged and nothing effective will be accomplished. Instead, emotional validation and support can be used to cool the bonfire. Once it is cool, then a teaching moment can present itself.

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Fear and Shame

The core idea here however, is that these two emotions, which motivate controlling behavior, are not about the person who is being “controlled.” No, these emotions are about the controller. I often say in my group (and in my book) that poor behavior in someone with BPD (or anyone in fact) is “not about you” (the recipient of the behavior) or, after rephrasing it: “it’s all about his/her feelings” One of the misunderstandings of that attitude in some of my readers is that some people read that and think “When is it about MY feelings?” That was never the intention of this approach. In fact, the idea was intended to be a way of elucidating the motivation of the behaviors to which Non-BPs object. You see, in my experience, the behaviors of a person with BPD (or anyone emotional) can be explained as being motivated by poorly regulated emotions. The behaviors serve a function which is to halt the negative and overpowering emotional states. Fear and shame are very painful emotions and any person will do anything to halt them (anything to stop the pain). So, while the behaviors seem to be directed at you (like my daughter’s boyfriends controlling behavior seems to be directed at her), in reality the function of the behaviors is to halt the pain. If the fear and shame were not present, the behaviors would cease to exist. That is why I encourage people to act on the emotions directly, rather than on the behaviors directly. This is possible through the application of emotional skills both within one’s own mind and within the context of the relationship.

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Marriage Problems: How Can I be Me When You’re being You?
By Steven Stosny on August 18, 2008 – 3:09pm in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Most people get married because they like the way they are with their partners – loving, compassionate, engaging, supportive, sexy, and flexible. They get divorced because they don’t like the way they are with their partners – resentful, turned off, frustrated, rigid, or bored, all of which they blame on their relationship.

In the course of this death march, many go into marriage therapy to find better ways to manipulate their partners into, at best, doing what they want or, at worst, becoming who they want. The self-defeating flaw in this strategy, apart from the fact that it hardly ever works, is cognitive dissonance — the discomfort generated by holding contradictory cognitions.

In marriage, cognitive dissonance is the difference between how you would like to be and how you are. For instance, “I am loving, compassionate, supportive, sexy, etc., yet I am not these things with you.”

This aspect of cognitive dissonance isn’t bad; it can act as a motivation to be true to your deepest values, by making you behave in more loving and compassionate ways. Unfortunately, most people who divorce or go to marriage therapy choose to resolve their cognitive dissonance with something like this:

“Since I am unable to be my loving and compassionate self with you, you must be too selfish, insensitive, withholding, demanding, emotional, rigid, sick, or defective in some way.”

This ill-fated resolution of cognitive dissonance only makes you both feel like victims and sends you searching online or in self-help aisles for a checklist that validates your suffering and a diagnosis that nails your partner.

Cognitive dissonance can undermine marriage (and marriage therapy) in sneaky ways, even when you are successful at getting what you want, namely, change in the other person. If you do get what you want by changing your partner, your self-concept is reduced to:

“I am loving, compassionate, supportive, etc., as long as you do what I want.”

Do you really want this on your tombstone:

“As long as I got what I wanted, I was great to the people I love,” ?????

The irony is that the last thing you need is an externally regulated self concept, i.e., one determined not by your own behavior but by what your partner does for you. Externally regulated, your sense of self becomes totally dependent on your partner, not just for consistently doing what you want but for doing it with love and joy in his/her heart, since resentful submission is far from satisfying. Externally regulated, self-concept needs more and more validation, if not submission, from the partner to stay afloat. This sends satisfaction on a downward spiral as it necessarily destabilizes both the sense of self and the relationship.

Successful marriage is not about getting your partner to do what you want; it’s about being who you are, i.e., behaving according to your deepest values. For most people, this means being loving and compassionate to the people they love.

Happily, you have the best chance of getting your partner to do what you want by being who you are.

Consider the effects of positive reciprocity and negative reactivity. Which of the following is more likely to inspire cooperation?

1. Approaching your spouse as your authentic, loving and compassionate self
2. Approaching your spouse with entitlement and demands (even if couched in the rehearsed language of “behavior requests”)?

Marriage (and marriage therapy) run into a brick wall of cognitive dissonance when they focus on “getting your needs met,” or “getting the love you want.” They are more likely to have lasting success with focus on each of you being the partner you most want to be.

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“Sam and Lindsay are speaking,” the source tells PEOPLE. “But Sam has begged Lindsay to get help.”

“Lindsay, despite appearances, is insecure and has relied on Samantha and their relationship to build her up,” explains the pal. “Lindsay barely sleeps, which explains a lot of her behavior. She’s exhausted. She can’t even sit down for a minute without pacing around the room. It’s really sad.”

Sam is begging Lindsay to get help? For what? Well, perhaps we know.  Looking at Lindsay’s case, I can’t help but see Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She is erractic, emotional and sexually confused. She has all the classic signs of an untreated person with BPD. I hope she gets help – and I hope that, if she is diagnosed with BPD, she would come out publically and say so – to reduce the stigma of the disorder.

Lindsay Lohan and BPD?

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Shame is corrosive to a relationship because it keeps the BP or NP in “pretend mode” where they are behaving “as if” they are engaged in the relationship, but in reality their only real goal is to protect themselves from discovery. The closer you get to it, the more panicked they become. Often the shame is never revealed to others and covered up with bullshit (in the art term, not the common term). If a person is bullshitting their way through something (and sometimes they bullshit themselves too) then they are not genuinely engaged in the relationship. THAT is corrosive, especially when it is discovered and you think “was this EVER real?” That’s what leads people to think BPs can’t really love. But the bullshit is a defense mechanism to protect against mind numbing shame. In fact it could be argued that all defenses are at some level bullshit (or pretending things are ok). Still, we need them on some level to protect us from the brutal truth at times. Acceptance is not bullshit, it is taking things how they really are. If a BP can’t accept themselves as they are (and want to change) then you’re in for a steaming pile of bullshit in the form of protecting their shame – and that is no way to have a genuine relationship. Still, if they had no defenses against experiencing shame, they would all commit suicide.

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Isolation

Mother I tried please belief me
I’m doing the best that I can
I’m ashamed of the things I’ve been put through
I’m ashamed of the person I am
Isolation, isolation, isolation

New Dawn Fades

Different colours, different shades
Over each mistakes were made
I took the blame
Directionless so plain to see
A loaded gun won’t set you free
So you say

Passover

Forgive and forget’s what they teach
Or pass through the desserts and wastelands once more
And watch as they drop by the beach
This is the crisis I knew had to come
Destroying the balance I’d kept
Turning around to the next set of lives
Wondering what will come next.

Atmosphere

Your confusion
My illusion
Worn like a mask of self-hate
Confronts and then dies
Don’t walk away

Related posts:

1. Celebrities with Borderline Personality Disorder (possibly, not for sure)
2. Kurt Cobain and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
3. New for May – Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

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“Regarding the misinformation you mention, you’ve discounted the existence of the “hoovering” phenomenon on the basis that it’s not a conscious behaviour. In the link you provided, and in mentions of this concept I’ve seen elsewhere, I didn’t note any stipulation that the key ingredient of hoovering is premeditation. It’s merely an esoteric term to describe the behaviour that follows after the person with BPD has done something to scare off / push away their partner, and it is very compelling and sometimes very dangerous for the Non. It also mirrors the cycle of violence in cases of domestic abuse and you are dismissing the realities of countless victims who are so frequently told they should “just leave”. THIS is a shining example of ignorance. Whatever household appliance you name it after, the behaviour pattern in question most certainly does exist, in studies, interviews, textbooks, and therapy sessions, regardless of whether the person enacting it is conscious of its effects.”

The link I provided was to the definition of “hoovering” at BDP411.org. My argument against hoovering was to point out that hoovering is not a pre-meditated form of manipulation, but in reality, I should have made a more salient point about hoovering and the existence (or lack there of) of the phenomenon. The link on BPD411.org says this:

“The intent of the hoover is to get the Non back into the relationship.”

In my experience with BPs, this statement is not the case. The intent of hoovering or any behavior that a person with BPD does (when untreated and emotionally dysregulated) has nothing to do with the non. The intent to two-fold IMO: 1) to as immediately as possible feel better emotionally and 2) to confirm that the BP is not a “bad person” and deserving of love, no matter what poor behavior was previously exhibited to argue otherwise.

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You see, hoovering is routed in shame (shame of the BP, not the non). The person with BPD will want to confirm to themself that the non (who supposedly loves them – of course this goes both ways) does not discover that deep inside they are a shameful and unworthy person. I mentioned the “toxic self-consciousness” mind-set when I was talking about David Foster Wallace and his suicide. Toxic self-consciousness is there so that someone can be vigilant about protecting others from discovering their shame and thus, leaving them because they are “bad” and unworthy of love. The shame element is what feeds the fear of abandonment, not the other way around. Often, nons (and professionals) talk about the fear of abandonment as the “core” of BPD, but I believe that BPD actually has 3 core features that lead to the others (including fear of abandonment, rejection sensitivity, fault-finding behavior and others). Those core features are emotional dysregulation, shame and impulsiveness. So, in the event of a hoover, the BP is fearful that you (as a non) will discover their shame and this leads to emotional dysregulation (basically, panic) which can lead to impulsive behavior (including hoovering).

Another article from BPD411.org – the “rules of engagement” can be found here: Rules of Engagement. This is actually the article of which I was thinking when I posted my previous post on hoovering. Here’s what it says:

Rule #5: If at any time the Non figures out the Rules of Engagement for BPD Land, the BPD’er must change the situation, rewrite history, and thereby purchase the Non a one way ticket back to BPD Land.

Rule #6: If Rule #5 fails, the person with the disorder must use a major hoover, promise anything, mirror the Non exactly, seduce the Non, or engage in multiple acts of what ever worked last time to convince the Non that “this time will be different”.

As you can see rule #6, does imply premeditation, since “Rules of Engagement” imply premeditation. It states that a BP will use a major “hoover” to “convince the Non that ‘this time it will be different’.” What many of these documents and posts (such as the “Ten Demandments”) imply is that the BP is motivated by and reacts to the behavior of the Non. My view on this is that a BP will react and behave completely in response to their own feelings, shame and conditioned behavior. Very little of a BP’s behavior is about the non. In the words of WHINE – IAAHF (“It’s always about his/her feelings). Why does this matter?

It matters because a Nons approach toward a perceived hoover will be different and more effective than in the past. When given the choice between “giving in” or “rejecting” a hoover – each comes with a price. The price of giving in can be your own shame, feeling of stupidity when things don’t change and/or anger at the other person for manipulating you and your feelings. The price of rejecting a hoover is (in my experience) rage, rejection, fault-finding and the “what about you?” argument that many BPs will use to deflect attention from their own shame. However, if you realize that the actual problem is not the hoovering behavior (which DOES exist, I’m not denying that), it is the feelings of panic and shame that motivate the hoovering, the act of hoovering can be faced more effectively. Meaning, if you solve the real problem (which is the emotional dysregulation and feelings of shame in the BP), the hoovering behavior will cease because the motivating factor is NOT “to get the Non back at whatever the costs” – it is to make the BP feel better and worthy of love in themselves.

As an aside, I had an experience with my cat this morning that could be seen as hoovering. This cat is not very loving (except when she wants to be). She was a stray and abused, so she is pretty shy about showing affection. I’ve had her for about 2 years. Anyway, last night she got locked out of the house all night. When I came downstairs at 7 AM this morning, she was sitting in the back window (on the outside) meowing. I opened the door for her and she ran inside and rubbed up against me, followed me around for about 20 minutes and made me pet her by pushing her head against my hand. This was all before she went to the food bowl, which is usually the first thing she does in the morning. Again, this is not an affectionate cat, normally. But she was upset and needed to have affection shown to her. After she calmed down and made sure we still loved her and didn’t abandon her, she went upstairs, climbed in the linen closet and went to sleep. My point is that even a simple animal (although cats are hardly simple animals, they have interesting personalities) undergoes emotional dysregulation and needs assurances and needs to feel better. If the point of hoovering is to feel better and to receive feedback from a loved one that you are worthy of love – what is wrong with that? I believe that in the moment, those feelings are completely genuine (although further emotional dysregulation at a later time might cause opposite behavior) and can be assuaged with emotional tools. In the case of the cat, I just had to pet her and reassure her that all was OK. Of course most cats hate vacuum cleaners, whatever the brand.

BTW, a member of my ATSTP list provided an “inside out” view of both hoovering and of the “Rules of Engagement” in her “Net Debunks” section. It is worth checking out each of these.

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There’s good self-consciousness, and then there’s toxic, paralyzing,
raped-by-Bedouins self-consciousness. I think being shy basically means
being self-absorbed to the point that it makes it difficult to be around
other people. For instance, if I’m hanging out with you, I can’t even
tell whether I like you or not because I’m too worried about whether or
not you like me. (David Foster Wallace)

You see, I often hear Non-BPs (the loved ones and family members of people with BPD) tell me that they feel that their loved one with BPD is extremely “selfish” or very “Narcissistic.” I always try to caution them on this statement because, when someone is in pain, yes, they will tend to look inward, but it’s not selfishness or Narcissism, in my opinion. It’s the ravages of deep shame and shyness that cause people with BPD to take such a view of the world. A person with BPD will dread the judgment, punishment and/or disapproval of other people. That is the kind of self-consciousness that is present in BPD.

To further follow up on this idea, here is a quote from me to a member of the ATSTP list from about two years ago. I was responding to the “lack of empathy” that his significant other (SO) was showing toward him:

It is frustrating and part of it seems very selfish on their part. My
wife actually showed sympathy for me this morning – I had a bit of an
upset stomach, so she said “I hope you feel better” a couple of times.
Of course, initially she thought I was mad at her or something (there
was still a lingering feeling that it was about her).

I also think there’s a step beyond empathy, and that’s compassion. I
think if you look at the spectrum of understanding for other people
you have something like self-centeredness (but not necessarily
positive) – pity – sympathy – empathy – compassion. (and there’s
probably a bunch of feelings in-between. The spectrum seems to run
from extreme self-interest to selflessness, of course, I could be
wrong on all of that – just an idea. It is easy to have compassion and
unconditional love for your kids, but for your SO it can be more
difficult because there are expectations on each side of the equation.
When your SO doesn’t live up to those expectations, even if they are
simple consideration, it is disappointing. I know it is difficult with
my wife as well – some of the time. Even my kids are wary of my wife’s
behavior at times.

I wonder if our SO’s don’t have much understanding of other people’s
pain because of the judgment factor. Perhaps they believe that
with “understanding” comes a level of judgment at least for
themselves. Or it could be that they believe no one actually
understands them, so the process of understanding others is pointless.

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2. Understanding Emotional Agony Through David Foster Wallace’s Eyes

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When Hope is Not Enough
Get the Non-BPD book that is designed for
staying and working on the relationship

Substance Abuse

I don’t think I have to cite any references on this one. The bio I read makes it clear that Cobain was a junkie and used consistently. Also, despite his slim frame (5’7″, 130 pounds), he used far more heroin than others in his final days and his body was, for the most part, able to take it. He did overdose numerous times. Abuse of pain killers (of which heroin is one), is not uncommon with BPD (sometimes called “Bellman’s Syndrome”).

His heroin use eventually began affecting the band’s support of Nevermind, with Cobain passing out during photo shoots. One memorable example came the day of the band’s 1992 performance on Saturday Night Live, where Nirvana had a shoot with photographer Michael Levine. Having shot up beforehand, Cobain nodded off several times during the shoot. Regarding the shoot, Cobain related to biographer Michael Azerrad, “I mean, what are they supposed to do? They’re not going to be able to tell me to stop. So I really didn’t care. Obviously to them it was like practicing witchcraft or something. They didn’t know anything about it so they thought that any second, I was going to die.”

Eating Disorder (or chronic pain leading to one)

Kurt Cobain had a chronic, undiagnosed stomach disorder from which he developed an eating disorder, being unable to keep down food.

Throughout most of his life, Cobain battled chronic bronchitis and intense physical pain due to an undiagnosed chronic stomach condition. This last condition was especially debilitating to him emotionally, and he spent years trying to find its cause. However, none of the doctors he consulted were able to pinpoint the specific cause, guessing that it was either a result of Cobain’s childhood scoliosis or related to the stresses of performing.

Volatile Relationships

His relationship with Courtney Love was volatile. He also had volatile relationships with others in his band and with managers and ex-girlfriends.

Love arranged an intervention concerning Cobain’s drug use that took place on March 25. The ten people involved included musician friends, record company executives, and one of Cobain’s closest friends, Dylan Carlson. But Bassist Krist Novoselic tipped him off as he considered the idea to be “stupid”. However, by the end of the day, Cobain had agreed to undergo a detox program. Krist Novoselic drove him to the airport to catch his flight, but Cobain was far from wanting to go, in a fit of panic, Cobain drew violence and the two fought at the airport, eventually Cobain freed himself and ran through the airport lobby screaming “fuck you”, this would be the last time Krist would see Kurt alive.

Shame and Unstable Self Image

His lyrics probably do the best for this…

All Apologies:
I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I’ll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn, freezeburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

Dumb:
I’m not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I’m having funI think I’m dumb
Or maybe just happy

Radio Friendly Unit Shifter:
What is wrong with me?
What is what I need
What do I think I think?

This had nothing to do with what you think
If you ever think at all
Bi-polar opposites attract
All of a sudden my water broke
I love you for what I am not
Did not want what I have got
Blanket acne’d with cigarette burns
Speak at once while taking turns

And of course, there are probably twenty more examples in his various lyrics. The only other musician that I can think of off the top of my head who consistently used the words “shame” and “I’ll take the blame” is Ian Curtis (Joy Division’s lead singer who also committed suicide).

Suicide Attempts

I think these go without saying, considering his eventual actual suicide. But we know of at least one other:

Following a tour stop at Terminal Eins in Munich, Germany, on March 1, 1994, Cobain was diagnosed with bronchitis and severe laryngitis. He flew to Rome the next day for medical treatment, and was joined there by his wife on March 3. The next morning, Love awoke to find that Cobain had overdosed on a combination of champagne and Rohypnol (Love had a prescription for Rohypnol filled after arriving in Rome). Cobain was immediately rushed to the hospital, and spent the rest of the day unconscious. After five days in the hospital, Cobain was released and returned to Seattle. Love later stated that the incident was Cobain’s first suicide attempt.

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I recently  I had a member of my email list post a message thatsaid something to the effect of “these people (with BPD) have to punish themselves” (with self-injury).Of cours, I couldn’t disagree more. More often than not, it’s about relieving pain, not causing it.BTW, I don’t self-injure, but my wife’s self-injury was my introduction to BPD.

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Validation is about the other person’s emotions (the BP). It is not about you and your feelings. The statements of “I love you” or “I’m proud” of you are about you. A person with BP needs to learn that their emotions are normal and that everyone feels that way from time-to-time. If they feel weird or broken, healing cannot begin. In fact, the likelihood of poor (even suicidal) behavior follows those feelings. A simple of expression of your love for them could spiral into a session of self-hate. If you say, “I love you” in response to their poor self-image, a likely reaction (in their minds) is “then you’re stupid, because I don’t love me.” When someone feels like they are not able to cope, telling them they CAN cope breeds mistrust. In other words, if you express positive feelings or “positive mental attitude” statements, they are likely to not trust you, because, on the inside, they believe they CAN’T do it, and you’re not seeing their feelings for what they are.

So, love is NOT enough. What you need is skill. In the book I try to teach the skill (through attitudes and tools) necessary to start the healing – for the BP and for you.

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I think that many BP’s get paranoid about their self-image with other people. The combo of fear of judgment – which they perceive as judgment of their emotions and therefore judgment of their SELF mixes with the shame they feel about their self. Am I off-base here?

My wife has told me she has felt shameful about “the way she is” for years. Does that lead to personalization and thus to paranoia?

What do you think?

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1.    When it is more painful to admit or tell the truth.
2.    When she wants the other person to think “better” of her than she thinks of herself.
3.    To avoid the judgment of the other person or judgment of herself.
4.    When she can’t see the “truth” because of emotional reasoning brought on by the refractory period of the emotion felt. In other words, when feelings = facts.

The first three of these factors play a role in the lies of someone with BPD and they are often inter-related. If the person to whom the lie is told is likely to judge the person with BPD as “bad” or “deficient,” the expectation of disapproval triggers first rejection sensitivity and then shame, because the person with BPD actually feels deep inside that, if she admits the truth, the other person will “find out” that she is a “bad person” and reject her fully. The last motivation is “emotional reasoning.”

I bring up these motivations not to “let liars off the hook” but to point out something: a person with BPD does not live in the same “reality” as you (the Non) do. Your truth is informed by what you see, hear, experience and what you believe about those inputs. A person with BPD is most often informed by her feelings about the experiences. These feelings can be misaligned with the facts and, as Paul Ekman notes in Emotions Revealed, a person overcome with strong emotions “cannot incorporate information that does not fit, maintain or justify the emotion.” In effect the original lies can be motivated by the inability to see information that doesn’t support the feelings. When someone is emotionally dysregulated, she just can’t see the truth if it doesn’t match what she is feeling.

In effect, she is not really “lying,” but merely pointing out “facts” (or generating them) that support her overwhelming emotion about the situation. The subsequent lies, which are used to “cover up” or support the emotional reasoning, are typically done for one of the first three motivations, particularly the idea that you would think of her as less of a person (and deservedly so) if it was revealed that she lied in the first place. I think there can be some argument about whether deep-down a person with BPD really believes the original lie (or any of those generated by motivation number four) when she exits the prolonged refractory period. My suspicion is that deep down a person with BPD is more concerned with the pain and shame the revelation of the lie will cause her than with repairing, rather than repeating, the lie.

When Hope is Not Enough
Get the Non-BPD book that is designed for
staying and working on the relationship

While it is useful to know the motivations behind the lies, it still doesn’t make the lies any less hurtful. Being lied to is a painful and hateful experience for the Non. It destroys trust and personal integrity and leads to suspicion and paranoia. When someone specifically lies to you (by admission) or is secretive (by omission), you end up feeling angry, saddened and disconnected from your loved one with BPD. It is a confusing, embarrassing and painful experience.

Each of the motivations can be removed by:
Number 1: Pain management, distress tolerance (when the pain can’t be removed) and self-soothing
Number 2: Self-acceptance*
Number 3: Self-acceptance and developing the ability to tolerate judgment
Number 4: Emotional modulation

* a quick note on Number 2. I have known at least 3 borderlines rather well in my life. I have also known about 3 more peripherally (and of the 6 – not including my wife – 5 are female). But the 3 that I have known well (2 women and 1 man), ALL of them used motivation #2 to generate seemingly outlandish lies. Sometimes, each of them would have to “own up” to the lies and that was a painful experience I’m sure. I know if I every have to own up to lies, it is painful for me. I can only imagine how painful it is for someone with as much shame as a borderline feels.

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In the hospital, ER doctors take a dim view of those who injure themselves, and a person who engages in self-injury will often avoid hospitals to avoid the inevitable judgment and lack of compassion these doctors (and nurses) will exhibit toward them. Most people in the medical community – doctors and nurses included – have little or no training in dealing with people who self-injure and, for the most part, feel that they want to deal with other patients first, since the patient caused their own issue. Also, they will likely send the person to the psyche ward, which is usually not effective because the person was using a tool for pain reduction. They’re not crazy, just engaging in a practice that has significant negative consequences.

What is important for a loved one to understand is that self-injury has a purpose and that purpose is usually pain relief, not self-punishment or attention-getting. The person who engages in this behavior may feel and describe a deep “itch” inside their body that they have to rid themselves of immediately.

While self-injury can provide relief from pain (through the release of endorphins, or natural, pain-killing substances within the brain), it can have risks and negative consequences. These include embarrassment, scars, infection and, in some cases, death. For the loved one,  focus on the negative consequences of the behavior, rather than focusing on whether cutting is bad or wrong. Judging the behavior as bad or wrong will just create more shame.

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(For those of you who don’t know who Pete Doherty is: he’s the lead singer of two British bands: Babyshambles and the Libertines. He dated Kate Moss and he is a regular in the tabloids in London for his erratic and criminal behavior.)

Self-Harm

Painting in one’s own blood seems to indicate self-harm. Here’s another article about Doherty’s self-harm.

Quotes from the self-harm article:

Graphic footage of rock star Pete Doherty deliberately harming himself will not appear in a forthcoming fly-on-the-wall documentary about the former Libertines’ singer, as had been feared by mental health charities.

The scenes of Doherty cutting himself with a broken bottle feature in a rough edit of the documentary, to be shown on BBC3 on Sunday 28 August. The images of Doherty slashing his chest, taken from the edit, were leaked to the national press last week, raising concerns about his mental health.

Substance Abuse

Well, duh… He’s been put in jail numerous times for drug offenses, including heroin and cocaine abuse.

Quotes:

He appeared at Ealing Magistrates’ Court to face charges of possessing heroin and cocaine.

The 26-year-old was arrested by police after he was spotted driving a speeding car in west London on 30 November.

The former Libertines singer has continually been in the headlines over his drug abuse and his relationship with model Kate Moss.

He is due to reappear at Ealing Magistrates Court on 8 February.

The prosecution said police pulled Mr Doherty over after he was spotted speeding and officers said he had a glazed look.

He was found to have three packets of heroin, with a weight of 0.875gm (0.03oz), and one packet containing 0.234gm (0.008oz) cocaine.

Inappropriate Anger

More quotes:

Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has been fined £750 after he admitted assaulting a BBC reporter in March.

The star pleaded guilty at Thames Magistrates’ Court to kicking a microphone out of her hand outside the same court after a separate appearance.

In a statement, the 27-year-old said: “If I hurt this lady I’m sorry.”

The star, who is currently being treated for drug addiction, was also ordered to pay £250 compensation and another £200 in court costs.

Painful hand

He had previously pleaded not guilty to a charge of assault by beating after he kicked out at Radio 1 Newsbeat’s Trudi Barber.

His defence lawyer, Sean Curran, said Doherty changed his plea after watching television footage of the attack.

Indentity Issues

He’s turning to Islam? I wonder how long that will last.

Quotes:

One of Doherty’s friends said: “He’s been reading the Quran since he went into segregation. He’s got a lot of Muslim friends and they’ve been on at him for ages to study it. Now he’s on his own and he’s got time on his hands to study it.

“I’m surprised how much it has calmed him down as he was very on the edge inside. He definitely seems more chilled. He’s lapping it up and really interested in it. I think it’s helping him in there.”

Doherty has been having a difficult time since his 14-week sentence began for violating probation by taking drugs.

Volatile Relationships

The UK hottest couple, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss, split up, after the beautiful supermodel dumped Pete, arguing she cannot stand his way of life anymore, always worrying about him.

On July 22, 2005, Pete Doherty was involved into
a street fight. British newspapers The Sun and Daily Mirror reports that Pete and musician friend Alan Wass fought with a group of Somali youths after they shouted “crackhead” at him.

Farid Khan of Supersave store in Camden Town, said: “The singer ran in pursed by six man. There was a big fight. We got them out but they hurled a brick at the door.”

Kate reportedly told friends: “I can’t go on spending day and night worrying about Pete. He would disappear without a word and I would not hear from him for days. He has to change his lifestyle. Until that happens we are finished.”

Sexual Confusion

DOHERTY: ‘I WAS A GAY RENT BOY AND DRUG DEALER’

Troubled rocker PETE DOHERTY has shocked fans by boasting he worked as a homosexual prostitute and drug dealer to fuel his drug addictions, before he shot to fame in his former band THE LIBERTINES.

The wild singer confesses he was so desperate for money to fund his cocaine and heroin habits, he worked as a rent boy and once robbed a gay client after tying him up at his home.

Dangerous Driving

Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has been fined £300 and disqualified from driving for two months.

The 27-year-old admitted two charges of driving without insurance or a licence at Thames Magistrates Court in London.

District Judge Jane McIvor warned the singer that he faces jail if he drives without a licence again.

The rock star was arrested in November 2006 by officers who spotted him driving his Jaguar erratically near his east London home.

Shame

So you’ve got this support act, some posh bloke with a discomfited smile, slowly eating himself from the inside out from pure embarrassment. One guy with a guitar strumming idle fancies like ‘The Blue Ridge Mountains Of Dakota’, incapable of holding a note or playing a tune, and, what’s worse, he clearly hates himself for it. Pretty soon, he’ll be dead. And then he’s joined by a nonchalant Doherty in trenchcoat and hat. The place breaks out into hysteria. I’m blinded by about twenty camera phones flashing, then I’m nearly sucked under by the wave surging forward. Even Doherty, the boy in the bubble, advises everyone to move back because there’s a girl in the front whose eyes are bulging.

Suicide Attempts

Pete Doherty tried to kill himself in rehab after discovering that Kate Moss was dating a new man. British tabloids tattled that the ‘Babyshambles’ singer downed an entire bottle of pills-he just ended up making himself ill.

“He saw an opportunity to take an overdose and took it. He told me he didn’t know what the pills were but thought ‘fuck it’ and took them all,” says a NOW insider.

“He doesn’t care what drugs do to him—in fact, he likes finding out.”

“To begin with Kate was ringing him up all the time, concerned for his well-being.”

“But when Pete started to quiz her about the new guy, she was evasive and it got to him. She messed with his head.”

Impulsive Behavior

Anthony Thornton, the reviews editor of NME and an authority on The Libertines, said: ‘Pete is at a lower point than he was a year ago. He’s hit depths he didn’t even know existed. He’s not aware of how bad a state he’s in, and the drugs make it worse. He’s incredibly impulsive, he doesn’t take on responsibilities, he’s unreliable and likely to do himself harm.

Unsafe Sexual Behavior

I think anyone who was a male prostitute qualifies in this regard.

So, ole’ Pete hit just about all the categories that I applied to other celebrites. While I am not a doctor and can’t officially diagnose anyone… Pete Doherty looks suspiciously like he may have Borderline Personality Disorder (or something very close to it). And everyone, you will notice that I used mainly news articles in this analysis (with a bit of blogging, didn’t have time to look up interviews for shame – although I’ve been told he says he hates himself and he is a bad person).

Here’s his Wikipedia entry.

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2. Angelina Jolie Tops the List of Searched On Celeb Borderlines
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http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/drm10shame.html

The Role of Shame in BPD
© Dr. Richard Moskovitz

Can you discuss shame? Is shame not one of the most significant core wounds that must be healed in order to recover from BPD?

Shame is fundamental to the experience of anyone with BPD and is the most crucial emotion that must be addressed if recovery is to occur. Shame is often confused with guilt, but these emotions have very different meanings. Shame is about who we are, while guilt is about what we do. Shame therefore reflects more lasting beliefs about the self than guilt. When we feel guilt, we expect retribution for what we’ve done. When we feel shame, we expect contempt from others and feel contempt for ourselves.

Shame is connected with a wealth of negative self-beliefs that may include fundamental assumptions of defectiveness, the belief that one is helpless to survive alone, beliefs about physical defectiveness (“I am fat, deformed, repulsive to others), mental defectiveness (I am stupid, incompetent, inarticulate), or sexual defectiveness, and the belief that one is unworthy of the love and attention of others.

We feel shame about anything about ourselves that we would prefer others not to see. The body language of shame is about being invisible or not acknowledging being seen by others. We become small in posture by slouching or turning away. We avert our gaze from that of others, which is reminiscent of a baby covering its own eyes and imagining that it has become invisible to others. As adults, however, failing to meet another’s gaze is also a sign of submission.

We also feel shame whenever we fall short of our own expectations of ourselves, however unrealistic they may be. Impossible goals, such as the total eradication of body fat, inevitably lead to deepening shame, which in turn may be reflected in an increasingly distorted self or body image. This is the cycle of shame that fuels the compulsive self-starvation of anorexia nervosa. Shame is therefore connected with the fantasy of how we imagine we are supposed to be and obstructs our vision of who we really are.

While shame has many roots, it is a natural consequence of abuse and neglect. What all forms of abuse have in common is the contempt that an abuser has for a victim. The deeper pain of being abused is the shame that derives from being an object of contempt. Many abusers show their contempt explicitly in the form of degrading words, but all abusers show contempt by their assumption that their victim’s primary role is as an instrument for their gratification. Shame in turn results in submissiveness that tends to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

Dr. Donald Nathanson has pioneered the study of shame and its relationship to the psychotherapeutic process. He defines four categories of learned responses to shame, which he visualizes as the four points on a compass. On one axis lies “Withdrawal” at one pole and “Avoidance” at the other. On the other axis lie “Attack self” and “Attack others.”

“Withdrawal” behaviors include various forms of hiding from others, ranging from averting ones eyes and maintaining silence in the presence of others to reclusiveness and flight. Withdrawal can lead to isolation and feelings of abandonment, confirming the belief that we are unworthy of the company of others and therefore reinforcing shame.

“Attacking self” includes a repertoire of behaviors that are designed to protect us from abandonment at all costs. These are self-negating, submissive gestures that acknowledge the superior power of another, whose presence has become important to us. This can also contribute to the cycle of abuse.

“Avoidance” includes all the behaviors that are designed to keep from feeling the shame. This ranges from the use of drugs and alcohol to obliterate feeling to the distractions of sexual indulgence, materialism, and vanity. Avoidant behaviors include a variety of things we do to cover up the defects that we imagine others see in us. They are often cosmetic in quality and serve to distract both ourselves and others from these defects.

“Attacking others” includes a repertoire of desperate behaviors that serve to belittle others as a last ditch attempt to rescue self-esteem by feeling bigger at another’s expense. The attacks may come in words or actions. These behaviors inevitably distance us from others, again raising the threat of abandonment. These behaviors also result in shaming others and pass the wounds along.

These four kinds of responses to shame are all intricately interrelated, are self-defeating, and therefore perpetuate the cycle of shame. They are behind the many impulses with which people with BPD must struggle. They are connected with the terror of abandonment that characterizes BPD as well as with the difficulty that people with BPD have in achieving intimacy.

Related posts:

1. Role of Shame in BPD
2. Shame and BPD
3. Blast from the Past – BPD, Shame and Self-Image

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5. Angelina Jolie (if you want a more detailed analysis of Angeline Jolie go here)

• Self-Injury.
• Volatile Relationships.
• Sexual Confusion.
• Eating Disorder.

4. Courtney Love (to see all of the posts on Courtney Love go here)

• Substance Abuse.
• Possible Eating Disorder.
• Inappropriate Anger.
• Shame.
• Self-Injury.

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3. Lindsey Lohan (Here is some more info on Lindsay Lohan go here)

• Dangerous driving.
• Substance abuse.
• Eating disorder.
• Unsafe sexual behavior.
• Possible Self-Injury.

2. Britney Spears (more on Britney try this link)

• Dangerous driving.
• Substance Abuse.
• “Bipolar”.
• Eating Disorder.
• Inappropriate anger.

1. Amy Winehouse (for more on Amy Winehouse try this)

• Self-Injury.
• Substance Abuse.
• Volatile relationships.
• Sexual Confusion.
• Eating Disorder.
• Implusive Behavior.
• Shame.
• Suicidal.

Think someone in your life that has Borderline Personality Disorder? Buy the book that has helped hundreds of people like yourself. When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder really is a how-to, step-by-step for loved ones of people with BPD to communicate more effectively.

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Get the Non-BPD book that is designed for
staying and working on the relationship

Related posts:

1. Princess Di and Borderline Personality Disorder
2. Charlie Sheen and Borderline Personality Disorder
3. New for May – Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

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Have you ever had your loved one ask you: “Are you mad at me?” Or has your loved one asked you: “Do you like me?” over and over again. Or have they said, “You could do so much better than me. Why are you even with me?”

These questions and others like them are indications that your loved one is suffering from rejection sensitivity. Someone with rejection sensitivity will also avoid tasks, meetings or other social interactions if there is any sense of rejection implied. They are unlikely to initiate social interaction or close personal contact. Often when forced to be in social situations, someone with BPD will constantly scan other people’s reactions for disapproval or rejection. They might rely on others from whom the signals of possible rejection are less strong. In other words, they might ask you to do things for them (like make phone calls or attend meetings at school), rather than risk social rejection themselves. This adaptation to rejection sensitivity is avoidance.

When actual rejection occurs or is perceived by someone with this feature, especially when the rejection originates with someone that the person with BPD is important to them, rage and even violence can occur. The person with BPD who perceives that he or she has been rejected by a significant person (one from which they are less likely to expect rejection), the person with BPD “becomes hostile not in general but specifically in reaction to potential rejection from a significant or important person.” [Miscal, 1996, quoted from Hamel, John & Nichols, Tonia, “Family Interventions in Domestic Violence”, page 126]

This feature is closely related to shame and to the fear of judgment. In both cases a person with BPD will judge themselves harshly because of the shame (they are a bad person) and will reject themselves (I don’t deserve acceptance). Additionally (and perhaps ironically), they may lash out, rage at or abuse people who do offer them acceptance, because they feel, based on their deep seated feelings of deserved rejection, they don’t deserve acceptance. They expect rejection because they deserve rejection. In this way, the feelings around acceptance versus rejection are a “no win” situation for you – if you reject the person with BPD, they get angry, if you accept them, they may judge you as “stupid for accepting someone as bad as me.”

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1. Paranoia, Shame and Judgment Sensitivity
2. On My Side
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Inconsistency also seems like a harbinger of BPD. I think that
with wildly swinging emotions, people with BPD are widely
inconsistent. My wife can be manic and organized and get things done
one moment of one day and then depressed, crying and avoidant the
next. Now, you might think she is bipolar – but her moods last hours
(and sometimes minutes), not days or weeks.

A lot of her moods are governed by her medication schedule. She
recently (last week) switched off Xanax (whew!) and is
now taking Ativan, which she says “doesn’t work”. She of course
takes high doses and mixes it with alcohol, and has periods of
dyscontrol. We went to a neighbor’s birthday party on Saturday and my wife did something embarrassing.
I just took her home and went back to the party. But the
key here is that she is highly unstable in her moods. She uses the
drugs and alcohol to try and quell the pain, but they cause even
more instability.

I think that is why we often make mistakes
in “self-diagnosis”. For all I know, half the people (or more)
viewing the messages in my group are not dealing with BPD at all, but instead
something else. That is one of the reasons that a couple of months
ago, I specifically asked a mother on an email list whether her
daughter was diagnosed with BPD and how old the daughter was -
because the behavior that she described could be attributed to
many “disorders” (including the disorder of being a teenager).

There is a movement within the psychiatric community to change the
name of BPD. Some also want BPD to be classified as an Axis I
disorder. So, it could be that “borderline personality disorder”
will not exist anymore and BPD will not be a “personality” disorder
anymore. The point of saying this is that I think the traits of
which you speak are shared among many different disorders,
personality or otherwise.

In the CBT community, one of the things they talk about
is “cognitive distortions” – basically thinking in a way that
doesn’t match the “objective” facts. At times everyone, disordered or not, does some of these
things. In the case of BPD, many of these distortion can into play.
But these distortions are shared with other disorders and
with “normal” thinking.

Self-harm is sort of a sure sign of BPD (although not all
self-harmers have BPD) versus, say, PTSD. And the basic self-image
thing is also key. In fact, one of the things that many “nons”
don’t “get” about people with BPD is that the borderlines hate
themselves. The nons come to the table saying “this person (the
borderline) is SO selfish!” and they are angry about all the
behavior (which they have every right to be angry, the behavior is
quite frustrating). However, they don’t understand that behind this
maddening behavior is a deep, painful self-loathing. If that self-
loathing (and shame) is NOT there, then it is not BPD. From my
experience, there are not people with BPD that are OK inside. They
are not evil (let’s not bring up Hitler again, please – I’m sticking
with Princess Di as my BPD historical figure), they are
just “broken” inside.

As for impulsiveness and extreme emotional liberation (especially via drugs or alcohol), I have seen
studies that say that those things can be transmitted biologically.
As you know, I have a 9 year old daughter (who has a fraternal twin
sister), who is specifically impulsive and subject to stormy
emotions. Over the weekend, she told me and her twin that she would
not want to run for student counsel because (in her words) she
gets “overtaken by anger” and would be really “furious” if people
didn’t vote for her. She also got angry and pushed my 3 year old son
over and he smacked his head on a bookcase (he’s ok though). When I
came in and spoke to her about it, she lied to me. So here’s a girl
that’s 9 years old and exhibits the signs of emotional unstability
and impulsiveness. But has she been abused? No. Has she been
invalidated? Yes, many times.

The reason I bring her up is that I think that BPD has a biological
base as well. There was a really interesting article that [a member of the list]
posted about biological and social contributors to BPD. Maybe I can
dig it up.

I brought up an unstable personality because, when mixed
with shame, causes extreme personalization – but it is
not unique to BPD (the unstable personality or the personalization).
The shame, however, IS (I think). I saw a study that showed that
people with BPD reported feeling shame 14 times a day.

SHAME is considered the core emotion
by some psychotherapists. That just tells me that I’m not completely crazy if I
say, “if there’s shame, there’s BPD – if not, it’s probably
something else”. But hiding shame is the natural reaction to it. So,
we nons may not see it initially.

My wife has BOTH BPD and PTSD – because of childhood sexual abuse
(the PTSD). However, as I said before, I think there is also a
biological component to BPD and I’m not sure that you HAVE to have
been abused to have BPD; whereas with PTSD, trauma is necessary
(it’s built into the name for heaven’s sake). On the flip side,
Marsha Linehan said “not everyone who is sexually abused gets BPD”
(I’m paraphrasing) – so it seems to be her belief that there must be
a biological pre-disposition there. So, if we look at her biosocial
model, we see that there are biological components in combo with
an “invalidating enviornment” (not necessarily abuse). So it could
very well be that shame is 1) built into some people (my 9 year old
feels a lot of shame herself BTW) or 2) that the “invalidating
environment” is not strictly abuse or 3) both. If I look at my 9
year old’s shame, it seems awfully unfounded to me. You can
attribute my wife’s shame to her being sexually abused (and a large
portion of BPs have been abused in some way), but my 9 year old, she
feels very shameful about the way she feels. She feels shameful in
her skin. She has already expressed suicidal ideation (at 9!).

As for cutting or “blood letting” – geting something out of your system – that’s quite wise. I don’t
know if you’ve ever read Jim Carroll’s books about his heroin
addiction (“The Basketball Diaries” and “Forced Entries”), but there
is a scene in one of them, Forced Entries I think, in which Carroll
lances and drains his infected needle sight on his arm. I know it
sounds yucky (and it is), but he really translates it in a wonderful
metaphor for getting all the filth out of his system and liberating
himself from the pain he is in.

The suicide gestures are usually impulsive with BPD.

Of course, I could take suicide out of the equation, because I
could make the same statement about cutting (or burning oneself) -
that is, 95%+ of the borderlines I have come into contact with
(through their parents mainly) cut (or burn) themselves. My wife
cuts herself. She also picks her nails until they bleed. My 9 year
old with the emotional “issues” picks her nails until they bleed.
Her twin (and just to clarify, they are fraternal) sister does not.

A trained professional that works with borderlines
every day can diagnose BPD. You might remember the case that happened on another
list (ATSTP) in which the guy’s girlfriend sounded about as borderline as
possible, but when she went to U of Washington to get evaluated,
they said, “No, you have PTSD.” I don’t know how they told the
difference, but I suppose it had something to do with the
distinguishing charactersitics of BPD that are mentioned here: self-
injury, toxic shame and self-loathing, uncontrollable impulsiveness
and “emotional liberation” with mind-altering substances. Still,
those last 2 might show up in other disorders as well.

No related posts.

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A quote:

“Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish
someone’s feelings. Constant invalidation may be one of the most
significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence
suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child
who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust
his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of
his emotional brain– one of nature’s most basic survival tools. To
adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working
relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His
emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development
will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The
emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work
against him as an adult. In fact, one defintion of the so-
called “borderline personality disorder” is “the normal response of a
sensitive person to an invalidating environment” (2)  ”

And another quote:

“Telling a person she shouldn’t feel the way she does feel is akin to
telling water it shouldn’t be wet, grass it shouldn’t be green, or
rocks they shouldn’t be hard. Each persons’s feelings are real.
Whether we like or understand someone’s feelings, they are still real.
Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may
be called a crime against nature, “psychological murder”, or “soul
murder.” Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept
them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so
frustrating, draining and futile. A good guideline is:

First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.

One the great leaders in education, Haim Ginott, said this:

Primum non nocere- First do no harm. Do not deny your teenager’s
perception. Do not argue with his experience. Do not disown his
feelings.

We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are
often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the
many ways we are invalidated:

We are told we shouldn’t feel the way we feel
We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
We are told we are too sensitive, too “dramatic”
We are ignored
We are judged
We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how
we feel”

Related posts:

1. Role of Shame in BPD
2. Shame and BPD
3. Blast from the Past – BPD, Shame and Self-Image

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1. Role of Shame in BPD
2. Blast from the Past – BPD, Shame and Self-Image
3. Fear and Shame

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Version A) they are just born that way. THEY are not even sure of what they are ashamed of. They carry around three core beliefs: “The world is dangerous and malevolent”, “I am powerless and vulnerable” and “I am inherently unacceptable.” But they don’t know WHY – they have just always been that way. The only reason that I can gather is that they have labile emotions and they lead to an unstable sense of self. That instability is what they are ashamed of (and scared anyone and everyone will know). It’s like a nightmare in which you’ve pissed your pants and you hope to god no one will notice. That’s the shame component as far as I can tell. It’s not about anyone other than themselves.

Version B) Same as version A but caused by the environment.

Oh and version C – mix and match versions A & B.

Related posts:

1. Role of Shame in BPD
2. Runaway Shame?
3. Toxic Shame

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Dr. Donald Nathanson has pioneered the study of shame and its relationship to the psychotherapeutic process. He defines four categories of learned responses to shame, which he visualizes as the four points on a compass. On one axis lies “Withdrawal” at one pole and “Avoidance” at the other. On the other axis lie “Attack self” and “Attack others.”
“Withdrawal” behaviors include various forms of hiding from others, ranging from averting ones eyes and maintaining silence in the presence of others to reclusiveness and flight. Withdrawal can lead to isolation and feelings of abandonment, confirming the belief that we are unworthy of the company of others and therefore reinforcing shame.
“Attacking self” includes a repertoire of behaviors that are designed to protect us from abandonment at all costs. These are self-negating, submissive gestures that acknowledge the superior power of another, whose presence has become important to us. This can also contribute to the cycle of abuse.

“Avoidance” includes all the behaviors that are designed to keep from feeling the shame. This ranges from the use of drugs and alcohol to obliterate feeling to the distractions of sexual indulgence, materialism, and vanity. Avoidant behaviors include a variety of things we do to cover up the defects that we imagine others see in us. They are often cosmetic in quality and serve to distract both ourselves and others from these defects.

“Attacking others” includes a repertoire of desperate behaviors that serve to belittle others as a last ditch attempt to rescue self-esteem by feeling bigger at another’s expense. The attacks may come in words or actions. These behaviors inevitably distance us from others, again raising the threat of abandonment. These behaviors also result in shaming others and pass the wounds along.

Related posts:

1. Runaway Shame?
2. Shame and BPD
3. Blast from the Past – BPD, Shame and Self-Image

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…study of James Masterson’s work on borderline personalities, as well as my experience with watching his working films, convinces me that there is minimal difference in the treatment of some toxically shame-based people and his treatment of the Borderline Personality.

Don’t see shame in your borderline? Look more carefully.http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/tshame.html

Related posts:

1. Role of Shame in BPD
2. Blast from the Past – BPD, Shame and Self-Image
3. Fear and Shame

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