Connect with Bon

WHINE Kindle US

Image of When Hope is Not Enough
When Hope is Not Enough
WHINE now available on the Kindle to US customers!

Buy WHINE Today!

Image of When Hope is Not Enough
When Hope is Not Enough
Get the Non-BPD book that is designed for
staying and working on the relationship

Poll

What do you do to support your emotional health?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons

Here is a free eBook from Bon: Free eBook

Archives

A new book from Bon

Today, I published a new book called “But I Love You: A Primer for Understanding a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder.” This book is a even quicker quick-start guide to BPD and being a Non-BP than my other book “When Hope is Not Enough.”

“When Hope is Not Enough” is 185 pages and packed with examples, conversations and frequently asked questions about BPD. “But I Love You” is only 50 pages and represents a distilling and reorganization of the material presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. Basically, what happened was that one of my list members (of the ATSTP Google list) found that my first book was frustrating her. She has an adult daughter with BPD and found that she and her husband found the way in which I present a model of BPD in “When Hope…” was frustrating. The reason is that they wanted to know immediately about the behavior associated with BPD (such as lying, manipulation, running away, burning bridges, etc.) FIRST, rather than how I present it in “When Hope…” – where I present those symptoms LAST. I do that because I try and re-frame the Non’s understanding of BPD in “When Hope…” This approach just wasn’t working for the member of my list.

She decided to reorganize and summarize my work in “When Hope…” and did so without my prompting. She did so to help herself and her husband understand their adult daughter’s behaviors. So, she sent me a copy of her work and I edited it for accuracy, reformatted it and added some additional material that I didn’t put into “When Hope…”

The book is such a slim one (like I said 50 pages), that I don’t plan on selling it through Amazon or any other such retailer. Instead you can get either an electronic copy (for $4.00) or a printed copy ($9.95) from Lulu, which is who I use to self-publish my material. Soon, I will set up a google checkout for an electronic copy of this book, like I have with “When Hope is Not Enough” but first things first.

If you haven’t read “When Hope is Not Enough” and want a primer/orientation to how you can make your life calmer and easier with someone with BPD. You can try “But I Love You: a Primer for understanding a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder” – and yes, it probably has a few typos, sorry. And yes, I’m sharing profits with the member.

but-i-love-you-small1

But I Love You

Article in Time about the DSM

Here’s an article about the DSM…

Wednesday, Mar. 11, 2009

Redefining Crazy: Researchers Revise the DSM

If you wanted to make a list of important books you should read, what would you choose? Anna Karenina, maybe? The Bible? How about the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders?

It may not be at the top of your list, but the DSM, as it’s usually called, is one of the most important books in the world. It attempts to categorize, describe and give a code number to literally every problem that can occur in your mind, from schizophrenia to borderline personality disorder to something called mathematics disorder, which is essentially being so bad at math that it amounts to a mental problem.

The DSM is important not only because it is wildly ambitious but also because mental-health professionals around the world have adopted its classification system. In the U.S., it is virtually impossible to get reimbursed by an insurance company for treatment unless a mental-health professional identifies your condition by a DSM code number. (The number for mathematics disorder, if you were wondering, is 315.1. The code for Tourette’s syndrome is 307.23; the code for sexual sadism is 302.84. As I said, the DSM tries to cover everything.) (See the top 10 medical breakthroughs of 2008.)

The American Psychiatric Association (APA), which owns the DSM, is in the process of rewriting the book, which was first published in 1952. The DSM-V, as the fifth edition will be called, is set to be published in 2012. But the process of researching it began way back in 1999 — five years after the publication of the last major revision, the DSM-IV — meaning the new book’s production will take 13 years overall. (Read about how we get labeled by the DSM.)

Why so long? Last week, a research organization called the American Psychopathological Association (which goes by the acronym APPA, to distinguish it from the APA) brought many of the key players in the development of the DSM-V to a conference in New York City to discuss some of the reasons the writing of the book is so complicated.

One obvious reason is that so many people have a stake in what the world defines as crazy and what it calls normal. Famously, homosexuality was listed as a DSM condition until a 1974 vote among APA members removed it. Other groups of mental-health professionals and patients want certain disorders to be added (and covered by insurance): sexual compulsivity, for instance, is not in the DSM, even though “sexual aversion disorder” (302.79) — the persistent and distressing avoidance of genital contact not explained by another disorder like depression — is included. (Read an interview with an author who has bipolar disorder.)

Debates about what should and shouldn’t be in the DSM are fascinating and often bitter, and as I have pointed out before, the book makes at least one fundamental error in the way it conceives of mental problems: it ignores causes almost entirely. If you feel sad and tired for a couple of months, have trouble sleeping and making decisions, and gain weight, you can be given a DSM diagnosis of depression (296.31 or 296.32, mild or moderate, recurrent) and prescribed drugs for it — even if the reason for your funk is that you just lost your job. Such physiological responses as insomnia are evolutionarily natural (and sometimes helpful, in a jump-starting sort of way) when you suffer a trauma like losing your job. But according to the DSM, only perfect is considered normal. Another basic problem with the DSM: it tries to reduce the vastly complex experiences of your mind to a single number.

At last week’s conference, there were tantalizing hints that the DSM-V might fix some of these problems. Dr. Steven Hyman, provost of Harvard, a former psychiatry professor at its medical school and a former director of the National Institute of Mental Health, agitated at the meeting for a new DSM framework that would stop trying to divide mental problems into discrete all-or-nothing categories. That method is appropriate for some medical problems — you either have leukemia or you don’t — but depression, for instance, doesn’t work like that. (Read “Why Do the Mentally Ill Die Younger?”)

Rather, Hyman argued that many mental illnesses are problems that lie along a continuum from normal and functioning to disordered and tragic. To the annoyance of some old-fashioned DSM defenders, he made the case that the DSM should regard mental illness as “continuous with normal”: less like leukemia and more like hypertension. You don’t get diagnosed with hypertension until you meet a cutoff point for high blood pressure that takes into account other extenuating factors: your age, for instance, or the conditions under which the blood-pressure reading is taken. Depression should be the same: if you are sad because you just got divorced, the DSM shouldn’t necessarily consider you to have an illness.

Such a diagnostic model wouldn’t be simple, though, which is one reason the DSM is taking 13 years to rewrite. And in the meantime, the book still has to be useful to everyday clinicians seeing patients who need a code number for insurance companies. “It’s like wondering how you repair the airport while the planes are still flying,” Hyman said at the conference.

Hyman noted that medical problems, whether in the mind or in the body or both, are usually caused by some combination of genes, environment, behavior and chance. Despite the comforting modern notion that severe psychological illnesses are simply due to an unfortunate genetic inheritance, it is the exceedingly rare mental condition that is caused only by genes. (Rett syndrome is one example.) Rather, if you take something like generalized anxiety disorder (300.02), there may be a variety of causes that set it off: genes that cause excessive activity in the fear-producing part of the brain called the amygdala, a stressful job that stimulates that activity, engaging in dumb behavior like having an affair that exacerbates your anxiety, then randomly getting into an anxiety-heightening situation like a car accident. The DSM has to try to account for all of that complexity — causes, effects, unintended consequences — and still be definitive.

Hyman said in an interview that one way the DSM currently handles this complexity is to have what he described as a “wastebasket” diagnosis — called “not otherwise specified” (NOS) — that captures just about anything that doesn’t easily fit the categorical model. One major problem with the NOS diagnosis: pretty much anyone can qualify for a diagnosis that, by definition, is not specified. A 2005 American Journal of Psychiatry paper found that nearly half of a group of 859 people who sought psychological help in Rhode Island could be considered to have a DSM personality disorder if diagnosticians were allowed to include the NOS option. Another problem: how do you adequately treat patients whose illness is unspecified?

A continuum model like the one Hyman proposes could help solve this problem by recognizing that people aren’t always one thing or another. They’re sometimes just a little depressed or a little anxious. To avoid medicalizing normal stress, the DSM-V would set a cutoff point within the spectrum. Of course, determining the right cutoff point for the DSM’s 350 illnesses would take an enormous research effort, one that has begun for some disorders like depression but probably hasn’t even been thought about for rare problems like sexual sadism.

Other attendees at the APPA conference indicated that the new DSM will almost certainly adopt a continuum model for mental illnesses. But don’t be surprised if the book doesn’t come out as scheduled in 2012. If the three-day conference came to any solid conclusion, it was that toting up all the ways our minds can fail is a lot harder than, say, explaining why your appendix might burst.

Read “Tallying Mental Illness’s Costs.”

Read “I’m O.K. You’re O.K. We’re Not O.K.”

Ekman and Emotional Profiles

The Dalai Lama and Dr. Paul EkmanI was reading the book “Emotional Awareness” which is a transcript of a conversation between the Dalai Lama and Dr. Paul Ekman (two of my favorites!). On pages 45-47, Ekman talks about the idea of “emotional profiles.” He says he has spent many decades of his career identifying the similarities between people in their emotional lives and now, through emotional profiles, is identifying differences in people’s emotional lives. I noticed when reading the book is that there are a number of factors that seem to affect a person’s emotional profile. Ekman says a bit about it, yet when I researched and thought about writing “When Hope is Not Enough” I found that there are five factors that affect someone’s emotional profile. Those are:

  • Tolerance – the sensitivity to being triggered
  • Uptick speed – how quickly someone gets to maximum emotional intensity
  • Intensity – how “high” and intense the emotion goes
  • Length of time at maximum intensity – how long one can maintain maximum intensity
  • Down hill speed – how quickly the emotion peters out

I have to think more about this idea and maybe more will come. Unfortunately, Ekman’s work on this will not be published until later this year.

Mentalization and BPD

I am learning mentalization and it shows great promise! Here is a link to Anthony Bateman’s website with info on this technique….

http://www.ucl.ac.uk/psychoanalysis/unit-staff/anthony.htm

Safety and Insecurity in BPD

LizardI have a list member who is a big fan of Al Turtle. Mr. Turtle (great name BTW) is a relationship consultant, not specifically dealing with BPD, but in relationships in general. What I found out through this list member is that Mr. Turtle and I came to the same conclusion about a certain experience. This experience is the “safe” and “unsafe” experience. While I deal with this on the BPD level, Mr. Turtle does so in general – and he calls the “lizard” of a person. The lizard is the emotional brain of an individual. Because it’s the primitive brain, it is lizard-like. I personally can’t go with the idea of the lizard – it’s just too cheesy for me. However, the idea of emotional safety is important to me. Mr. Turtle and I have come to the idea of safety versus insecurity to the same conclusion with different means. I have been considering this idea with respect to BPD. What I found was that, when feeling unsafe, a BP will be faced with four choices: run away, attack, submit or ruminate silently. What was pointed out to me was the opposite to the feeling of insecurity. That is the idea of safety. Most BP’s don’t feel safe most of the time… but sometimes they do. When they are feeling safe, they have four choices as well (thanks, Al Turtle and my list member!). Those choices are: mate, play, nurture and create.

Image of When Hope is Not Enough
When Hope is Not Enough
Get the Non-BPD book that is designed for
staying and working on the relationship

Tough Love Reconsidered with BPD

Tough Love

Not too long ago I wrote an article on why tough love is not the answer for BPD. I still believe that ONLY tough love is not the answer; however, I have come to reconsider tough love and BPD.One of the reasons was that the TIME article said that DBT is a combination of emotional validation and tough love.

One of my list members has moved from the techniques that I provide in “When Hope is Not Enough” – which is basically a non-judgmental attitude plus validation and normalization – to a combination of those techniques plus “tough love.” What is tough love? In my opinion, tough love is the application of PERSONAL boundaries on a relationship. These personal boundaries need to be understood. Often, people don’t understand personal boundaries. Even popular books about BPD for Non-BPs (such as SWOE) get this concept wrong. In fact, even books that are ABOUT boundaries get this concept wrong. The other day I posted a link to a video of a part of the film “The Basketball Diaries” in which Jim Carroll’s mother (Jim Carroll is played by Leonardo DiCaprio BTW and the film is based on the book by Jim Carroll and is true) denies her son money for drugs (he is a heroin addict). She enforces her own boundary (I will not give my son money to buy drugs). She does not enforce a “rule” which is the way that someone tries to control the behavior of another person. Rules and boundaries differ significantly. With a rule, you try and control another person’s behavior – such as telling a child “you have to go to bed at 8:30 PM.” That is a rule, not a boundary, because it has to be enforced. Rules have to be enforced, boundaries do not (except on yourself).

Back to tough love… how does one use tough love with BPD? Well, first of all I have to say you can’t START with tough love, because first emotional trust has to be established. If you start with tough love and use ONLY tough love, that is a recipe for disaster with someone with BPD. The problem is that tough love hurts too much for them. They feel “different” and “broken” and tough love reinforces these feelings. However, tough love can be used once the trust is established. Tough love is something you can use FOR YOU to establish your own boundaries with someone with BPD. But you have to make sure that it’s your boundaries that are being applied and not rules for another person’s behavior.

Image of When Hope is Not Enough
When Hope is Not Enough
Get the Non-BPD book that is designed for
staying and working on the relationship

Kids of BPD - or kobies

Child of a Borderline MotherRecently, I noticed that one of my list members created kobies.org – which is a site dedicated to kids of Borderline Personality Disorder parents. My own kids represent part of this group. What I found was that his site was sending me about 3 times the traffic I was sending him. So, I wanted to highlight his site: www.kobies.org.

Enjoy! (ok, if you’re a kid of a BP you might not be enjoying, but hopefully it will help).

UPDATE: www.kobies.org seems to not longer be available. I don’t know why as of yet.

Possible Genetic link in BPD?

From Science Daily:

Possible Genetic Causes Of Borderline Personality Disorder Identified

ScienceDaily (Dec. 20, 2008) — According to the National Institute of Mental Health, borderline personality disorder (BPD) is more common than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder and is estimated to affect 2 percent of the population. In a new study, a University of Missouri researcher and Dutch team of research collaborators found that genetic material on chromosome nine was linked to BPD features, a disorder characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image and behavior, and can lead to suicidal behavior, substance abuse and failed relationships.

“The results of this study hopefully will bring researchers closer to determining the genetic causes of BPD and may have important implications for treatment programs in the future,” said Timothy Trull, professor of psychology in the MU College of Arts and Science. “Localizing and identifying the genes that influence the development of BPD will not only be important for scientific purposes, but will also have clinical implications.”

In an ongoing study of the health and lifestyles of families with twins in the Netherlands, Trull and colleagues examined 711 pairs of siblings and 561 parents to identify the location of genetic traits that influences the manifestation of BPD. The researchers conducted a genetic linkage analysis of the families and identified chromosomal regions that could contain genes that influence the development of BPD. Trull found the strongest evidence for a genetic influence on BPD features on chromosome nine.

In a previous study, Trull and research colleagues examined data from 5,496 twins in the Netherlands, Belgium and Australia to assess the extent of genetic influence on the manifestation of BPD features. The research team found that 42 percent of variation in BPD features was attributable to genetic influences and 58 percent was attributable to environmental influences, and this was consistent across the three countries. In addition, Trull and colleagues found that there was no significant difference in heritability rates between men and women, and that young adults displayed more BPD features then older adults.

“We were able to provide precise estimates of the genetic influence on BPD features, test for differences between the sexes, and determine if our estimates were consistent across three different countries,” Trull said. “Our results suggest that genetic factors play a major role in individual differences of borderline personality disorder features in Western society.”

Mindfulness for Anger

Here is some quotes from a website that tells of anger and mindfulness:

All this material is from “PeaceMindfulness is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who
is one of humanity’s greatest spiritual resources. He was, among other things, responsible for getting Martin Luther King to come out against the Vietnam War (a very controversial move for him at the time). King nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize for his work (unfortunately futile) for peace in Vietnam. He is the author of *numerous* books, all of them lovely and wonderful, among them “Being Peace” and “The Miracle of Mindfulness”.  Here’s some of what he has to say about anger:

“Anger is an unpleasant feeling. It is like a blazing flame
that burns up our self-control and causes us to say and do
things that we regret later. When someone is angry, we can see
clearly that he or she is abiding in hell. Anger and hatred
are the materials from which hell is made. A mind without
anger is cool, fresh and sane.  The absence of anger is the
basis of real happiness, the basis of love and compassion.

When our anger is placed under the lamp of mindfulnes, it
immediately begins to lose some of its destructive nature. We
can say to ourselves, ‘Breathing in, I know that anger is in
me. Breathing out, I know that I am my anger.’  If we follow
our breathing closely while we identify and mindfully observe
our anger, it can no longer monopolize our consciousness.

Awareness can be called upon to be a companion for our
anger.  Our awareness of our anger does not suppress it or
drive it out.  It just looks after it. This is a very
important principle.  Mindfulness is not a judge.  it is more
like an older sister looking after and comforting her younger
sister in an affectionate and caring way. We can concentrate
on our breathing in order to maintain this mindfulness and
know ourselves fully.

When we are angry, we are not usually inclined to return to
ourselves. We want to think about the person who is making us
angry, to think about his hateful aspects – his rudeness,
dishonesty, cruelty, maliciousness, and so on. The more we
think about him, listen to him, or look at him, the more our
anger flares. His dishonesty and hatefulness may be real,
imaginary, or exaggerated, but, in fact, the root of the
problem is the anger itself, and we have to come back and look
first of all inside ourselves. It is best if we do not listen
to or look at the person who is the cause of our anger.  Like
a fireman, we have to pour water on the blaze first and not
waste time looking for the one who set the house on fire…

When we are angry, our anger is our very self. To suppress
or chase it away is to suppress or chase away our self. When
we are joyful, we are the joy. When we are angry, we are the
anger.  When anger is born in us, we can be aware that anger
is an energy in us, and we can accept that energy in order to
transform it into another kind of energy. When we have a
compost bin filled with organic material that is decomposing
and smelly, we know that we can transform the waste into
beautiful flowers… We need the insight and non-dual vision
of the organic gardener with respect to our anger. We need not
be afraid of it or reject it.  We know that anger can be a
kind of compost, and that it is within its power to give birth
to something beautiful. We need anger the way an organic
gardener needs compost. If we know how to accept our anger, we
already have some peace and joy. Gradually we can transform
anger completely into peace, love and understanding.

Expressing anger is not always the best way to deal with
it. In expressing anger we might be practicing or rehearsing
it, and making it stronger in the depth of our consciousness.
Expressing anger to the person we are angry at can cause a lot
of damage.

Some of us may prefer to go into our room, lock the door,
and punch a pillow. We call this “getting in touch with our
anger”.  But I don’t think this is getting in touch with our
anger at all.  In fact, I don’t think it is even getting in
touch with our pillow. If we are really in touch with our
pillow, we know what a pillow is and we won’t hit it. Still,
this technique may work temporarily because while pounding the
pillow we expend a lot of energy and after a while we are
exhausted and we feel better.  But the roots of the anger are
still intact, and if we go out and eat some nourishing food,
our energy will be renewed.  If the seeds of our anger are
watered again, our anger will be reborn and we will have to
pound the pillow again…

…In order to have real transformation, we have to deal
with the roots of our anger – looking deeply into its causes.
If we don’t, the seeds of anger will grow again. If we
practice mindful living, planting new, healthy, wholesome
seeds, they will take care of our anger, and they may
transform it without our asking them to do so.”

So here is Thich Nhat Hanh’s anger meditation:

“When anger arises, we may wish to go outside to practice
walking meditation. The fresh air, green trees and plants will
help us greatly. We can practice like this:

Breathing in, I know that anger is here.
Breathing out, I know that the anger is in me.
Breathing in, I know that anger is unpleasant.
Breathing out, I know this feeling will pass.
Breathing in, I am calm.
Breathing out, I am strong enough to take care of this
anger.

To lessen the unpleasant feeling brought about by the anger,
we give our whole heart and mind to the practice of walking
meditation, combining our breath with our steps and giving
full attention to the contact between the soles of our feet
and the earth…After a while, our anger will subside and we
will feel stronger.  Then we can begin to observe the anger
directly and try to understand it.

Cheerleading as an effective relationship skill

cheerleading.gifUnfortunately, the concept of cheerleading is something that I mention in WHINE, but I left out as a tool for a Non-BP/BPD relationship. I mention it when talking about what NOT to do in when a person with BPD is emotionally dysregulated (or experiencing an EDM – emotional dysregulation moment). I am planning on providing a “supplement” to WHINE on this website when I finish working on it. I left out a few things that can be effective in a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, and these things have come up in the ATSTP Email Support Group. So, I’ve decided to address one of these, cheerleading, now.

Not all interactions are appropriate for cheerleading; in fact, many interactions are not. If you tell someone “you can do it” when they deeply believe that they can’t, this could lead to a mistrust of your opinion of them. In the case of dealing with an emotional person, typically, “positive mental attitude” statements are unhelpful and invalidating. Saying there’s “no need to be sad/scared/angry” for example just serves to invalidate the emotion that the other person is already feeling.

Many people think that effective cheerleading statements involve saying that one person is “proud of” the other, “believes in” the other or “loves” the other. The problem with each of these is that 1) those statements are about how YOU feel and 2) Those statements don’t necessarily foster effective behavior.

At www.dbtselfhelp.com (which is a wonderful resource that I highly recommend) the worksheet on cheerleading states that there are three types of effective cheerleading statements. Mainly, that site is for self-cheerleading, so I will try to adapt these to relationship cheerleading. The types are:

Three types of cheerleading statements:
1. Statements that provide the courage to act effectively
2. Statements that help in preparing for the situation, getting ready to be effective, to focus on what works
3. Statements that counteract myths about interpersonal behavior.

In WHINE, I suggest a tool that can help with #1, which is the tool to “Be Brave.” While a person’s inclination may be to avoid an uncomfortable situation or to behave in a conditioned or ineffective manner (because of lack of courage or self-assurance about the situation), being brave in the face of uncomfortable situations reinforces itself and serves to support type #1.

Some examples of #1 might be:
“You can do hard things.” (which is my favorite and can apply to both #1 and #2)
“Remember the time you did [whatever]. That was so brave of you in that situation.”
“I’m impressed with your courage in the face of that.”
“Yeah, that is really hard. At the same time you have faced something like that before…”

If you combine “Be Brave” with “You can do hard things,” you go a long way to being more effective, because these two concepts help counteract the idea that you are “walking on eggshells” around someone else and that your feeling that avoidance of an emotional situation is the best route to take. I believe taking on an emotional situation head-on is more effective than letting it fester – both for you and for the person with BPD.

In type #2, the focus should be on effective behavior for a future task. #2 is quite important and, in some ways, is the most difficult type to effectively navigate. Because of conditioned ineffective behavior and the sway of negative emotions, a person might be tempted to repeat ineffective behavior, based on the emotions that they are feeling. A work (or school) situation is a good example of this dynamic. If someone is having a problem with their boss, they might, in anger, have the urge to quit the job or lash out at the boss (or the customers). Work situations can be especially frustrating for a highly emotional person. Work that they consider menial or “beneath them,” overbearing bosses, long periods of downtime in which a person can ruminate or become paranoid that others don’t like them, all contribute to frustration at work.

Some examples of #2 might be:
“You have every right to be angry. Still, the last time he said that sort of thing, you reacted positively. I think that worked out pretty well.”
“Bosses can be a real pain. I know when my boss gets on me; I try to do [something effective]. I’ve seen you do that in the past, so you know you’re capable.”
“You had a similar situation when [whatever] happened and you handled that well.”

In type #3, you are debunking deeply-held beliefs about interpersonal behavior. This technique can be tricky, because a person who is overcome with emotion might not be able to see the other side of the coin. In this type, you are basically reiterating that a person has the rights to their feelings and emotions and helps counteract the idea that other people might not like them just because of an emotional situation.

Some examples of #3 are:
“It’s hard when your co-workers are angry at you. I know I don’t like that either. Yet sometimes it’s about their anger more than your behavior.”
“I think you have the right to state your feelings about the situation.”
“You have every right to ask for what you want, even if you think that will annoy them.”
“I think there’s a lot of validity in how you feel, certainly as much as how they feel.”
“Sometimes I think you have to stand up for your rights. I’m impressed when you have done that in the past.”
“Sometimes people get annoyed when you don’t do exactly what they want. However, you have rights and feelings too.”