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The power of “When you do this, I feel that”
Recently, in the ATSTP group we discussed the power of saying “when you do [whatever], I feel [whatever else].” This formulation of words is very powerful when dealing with an emotional person. It does a couple of things that are important. First, it lets the other person know that you have feelings as well. Sometimes someone with BPD will feel that they are the only one in the world with feelings to be hurt. DBT actually “encourages” this way of thinking IMO. Since DBT is all about the client’s emotions and behaviors, the “other’s” (the therapist) feelings and behaviors are not often taken into account. This situation is not really…
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Just in time for the holidays
Hey all, I haven’t posted much in the way of skills lately, but today, as the holidays are upon us, I think it is helpful to go over some emotional skills and other tools that can help us non-BPD people get through the holidays reasonably unscathed. The holidays are a tough emotional time for everyone. There are expectations that the holidays be “jolly and happy” when, sometimes, the holidays are anything but. The get-together with relatives – many who don’t understand the actions, feelings and behaviors of someone with BPD – can cause huge stress for those with BPD and for the loved ones. Expectations of a low conflict Christmas…
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Menninger Clinic Releases Mentalizing Conference Call
From the Menninger Clinic… about mentalizing.: Mentalizing conference call with Drs. Peter Fonagy & Efrain Bleiberg At the request of participants and the positive response to this November 2009 presentation on the interactive conference call, we are making this tape availalble. Download conference call No related posts.
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Mindblindness and BPD
A little while ago, I was reading through “Mentalizing in Clinical Practice” (a dense read, but worth it IMO) and I was reading the section on Mindblindness. This is a concept that was originally developed with respect to autism. It means that you have the inability to accurately read the intentions, motivations or emotions of another person, based on their behavior. We each develop (around 3-4 years old) the ability to read others motivations based on their behavior. The example they give in the book is a “mind reading” (in the sense of accurately understanding another person’s motivations – internal states – based on behavior) test – it is as…
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How mentalization and attachment might explain “high-functioning” BPD
Some time ago I wrote a post about the “myth of the high-functioning BPD.” The point of the post was to facilitate a conversation about whether the categories of high-functioning and low-functioning apply to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My theory was that there was no fixed state in BPD, and a sufferer can swing from high-functioning to low-functioning at the whim of their emotions. Now that I am learning about mentalization, I have a new appreciation for the “high-functioning” state (and it is a temporary state, not a fixed one). It appears to me now to be contextual. Have you ever wondered how a person you love with BPD can…
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The Implicit/Explicit Connection
When we have a conversation with someone, there are really four “people” trying to communicate. These people are you in your implicit thoughts, feelings, motivations, intent (all things inside your head and unavailable to the other person), you in your explicit expressions, words, body language, actions (all the ways you try and communicate), the other person in their implicit and the other person in their explicit. The most connected conversations are those in which each person can have the other’s “mind in mind.” This state is what complete mentalization is about. It is about understanding the meaning of the other person’s behaviors and words. In a Non-BP/BPD relationship, this connection…