Breaking the news of the diagnosis to a partner

 I just recently found out that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which would explain, well, just about everything. I haven’t told this to my boyfriend yet. 

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Dear John,

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over four years, and things are usually great…except on the rare occasions when we fight. I go completely off the deep end, crying hysterically, hitting myself and inanimate objects (though NEVER another person), and sometimes even having a full-blown panic attack. He is beyond patient with me, but everyone has their limits and I think he is getting close to his. I just recently found out that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which would explain, well, just about everything. I haven’t told this to my boyfriend yet. On the one hand, I feel like if I let him know what was behind my antics and we were able to go to therapy, either separately or together, and find ways for both of us to deal better with my emotional outbursts, we could have a relationship that is great 100% of the time instead of just the 90% of the time that I am not having an “episode”. On the other hand, movies such as “Fatal Attraction” portray women who suffer from BPD in such an unflattering light, I am worried that the news might send him screaming for the hills! Is there some way to talk to him about this without scaring him, or should I suffer in silence and hope that I can get a handle on my sickness before hejust plain gets sick of ME?

Sincerely,

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

It sounds like you’ve suffered enough. So I definitely don’t think you should suffer more in silence.

You’re looking at this from the perspective of someone reluctant to share bad news, but I see it differently. I think there’s a lot of good news here that you can be proud of: You’re not blaming him for everything. You’re seeking help instead of making excuses. You want your relationship to succeed. You’re willing to own and work on the problems between the two of you. Your diagnosis aside, this all speaks very well of you. And furthermore, none of this is your fault.

Sometimes, when we love someone, we have to go out on an emotional limb. When they could react with anger or rejection, we have to give them a chance to react with love. (See the next letter for another example.) That’s where you are. I think you should share your diagnosis with your boyfriend and give him a chance to respond with the compassion and caring you deserve. Ideally, the two of you will attend counseling together to better understand and live with your condition. But if he won’t do that, you should continue going alone. I don’t say this lightly, but if he does run “screaming for the hills,” he probably would have ended up there anyway.