Comments on: BPD and Lying – again…

By: Frustrated

Frustrated — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 10:18:36 +0000

I have been involved with a person I used to be a roommate with and we happen to go to the same church. Or I should say, used to go to the same church. I willingly left on my own because of the war she declared on me for my holding her accountable for her behavior/actions/lies to others in the church about me. I suspect has BPD. She never accepts responsibility for her actions. She always blames HER drama/lies/unacceptable behavior on my “being Crazy” and my “thinking” that “she is out to get me”. Meaning I am “paranoid” and she is an innocent victim, She has totally tainted others towards me and continues to do so even though I have not talked to anyone about her and even though I don’t even go to the church anymore and I haven’t been there in four months. I sent the pastor an email two days ago telling him about what had been happening and telling him factual inconsistencies that prove that she is not being honest about anything and about how I haven’t even been at the church for four months now. I told him this because I got an email from another woman in the church stating that I cannot go to a bible study/class there as they aren’t sure if I warrant forgiveness and that I have to have special guidelines if they change their mind to let me come back. A paragraph was added to my ex roommate asking her what her thoughts were on the matter and how she would feel about this. Well, funny because I have never really interacted with these ppl outside of church nor have I had private conversations at all with these people. So, what exactly do I need to be forgiven for? Nothing happened in church between them and myself……! The ex roommate sends me a text message today. I haven’t heard from her in a couple of months. She is now asking for mutual forgiveness and so I said, that I accept. Then in the next text after that, she says, Oh, and there is an emotional healing conference at the church next weekend. I think you should go and I am not out to sabotage you. As if she were saying, you are crazy, you don’t have a right to be upset about what I do, my feelings are the only ones that matter and that are valid and because you are upset and have feelings that are different than mine- you must have something wrong with you, and I am not going to be held responsible for what I do because you agreed to mutual forgiveness. And can I come over to her house???? The whole thing is CHAOS and I feel very unsafe being alone around her which makes me think maybe I AM losing my mind. Yet,I KNOW the factual behaviors, lies, chaos, drama,and etc and facts don’t lie. I have removed myself from the situation and it is STILL going on? I am wondering if I should just continue to stay away from her and the church? I want to go back to the church but I don’t see how I can as long as she is there doing her thing and ppl can’t see that she is the one creating all of the drama. I haven’t even been there for goodness sake. If I point that out and go over the FACTS with them then she plays the “oh she is just crazy and I am the innocent victim” card again and if I try to defend myself from all of her craziness, I DO end up sounding like the crazy one. Can someone really be that manipulative, deceitful, that Dr Jekyll/Dr Hyde that they can be appear to be an angel around them and yet deceitfully destroy me while somehow managing to been seen as the innocent victim in it all so she can get attention and be that much more of a devil when she is away from the church people? Can someone really lie and manipulate situations/people that well? OK. She might have a disease but I have feelings and a life too. That does not give her a right to ruin me or to toy with other people. That does not make her doings OK. How do you deal with someone that acts like this without having to sacrifice your needs and opportunities to have relationships with others when she will still be in the picture?

By: Rob Howard

Rob Howard — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 23:31:00 +0000

Although your ex may have a disease that does not mean you have to be subject to abuse from her or that she be allowed to do as she pleases. She may be telling the truth when she says “You are the love of my life” but she is not capable of following through with her actions. If you stay you will be subject to more hurt and pain

Your ex has a disease. No amount of love from you will cure it.Love can not cure cancer nor can it cure BPD.It is up to you if you want to continue on this path of pain. Please stay away from her.

By: Thomas

Thomas — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 16:50:59 +0000

I was in a long-distance relationship with a BDP girl for one and half years. I am 41 and she is 33. We knew each other as friends for 12 years before initiating our relationship. Five months ago she started acting weird to me. When confronted in the kindest possible way, she did admit to having slept with another man on two occasions. Although I suspected the actual number to have been higher, I forgave her. She claimed that he was just a fling and that her feelings for me were differen altogether than what she felt for him and that she really loved me. When I insisted that she stop seeing the guy, she made a promise to me. Yet the very next morning, when I called her, I found the guy in her bed (I could hear his voice in the background). I could not make sense of anything. After ending our relationship, my ex paid for a 1,000 dollar plane ticket just to come see me for three days. She then told me again how much she loves me, and that she had stopped seeing the other guy. I loved her (and still love her), so I took her back. Yet shortly after, I caught her with the other guy once again, when I phoned her unexpectedly one morning. Although we have had no contact for some time now, I am still traumatized and extremely confused about what really happened. Until the end, she has insisted that she loved me, “no matter what happens”. I discovered that she started taking ecstasy when she met the new guy. She never took any kind of drugs in her whole life before. I got a message from one of her female friends telling me that my ex-girlfriend had revealed to her that I am the “love of her life”, and that the guy my ex is seeing is a player who is manipulating her, threatening to kill himself if she leaves him. My ex, when she visited me, did say something like “I don’t know why I am hurting you, when you are the one I love, while I am trying to please everybody else”. Now, I am wondering if I should believe her earlier words that “I am the love of her life”. After all the lying, I find it hard to believe. My question is: What should I believe? Does my ex really love me, or is she just lying (through her friend) to look good?

By: Killer B

Killer B — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 05:43:33 +0000

So, in a nutshell, a “Non” shapes their emotions to reflect reality, while a person with BPD shapes reality to reflect their emotions, right?

By: baron

baron — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 00:15:28 +0000

I recently had a very bad breakup with someone I believe has BPD. We are both in the process of divorces and she contacted in about 1.5 yrs ago and the first time I hesitantly met her and this slowly blossomed into a relationship. We were both in similar situations and we understood each other. Throughout the relationship there seemed to be a lot of chaos, lots of lies from her and she would embellish stories. She had episodes of shutting herself in for a couple days at a time, would just disappear at times and then tell me she was at her moms etc when later on I found out she really was not. She would have episodes of anger that surprised me. She told me several time she was afraid she would met me down, she also told me that she thought that I would always be there for her, and looked at me for reassurance. She has told me she loved me and at times was very genuine. However she also told me she is not sure at times if she knows what real love is. She comes from a physically and emotionally abusive background. Her dad did not like girls and did not want her as she was born 8 year after her brother and she never felt loved by him. She in private tells me she loves me but to other says she has no feelings for me, and that I am the one pursuing her. She loves playing the victim role. Now I am the bad guy.

I love her very much and care for her deeply. After the break up which is 4 weeks ago, where she actually called the police on me. I have come to accept that I cannot help her, or ‘fix’ her. She has over the course of her 20yrs marriage refused any therapy. She has cheated on her husband and on me. However my feelings have not changed for her. She is deep down inside a very good person, who is amazing and loving at times. I feel that I can only accept her for who she is, love her, care for her be there to support her.

We have not spoken in a weeks. What do I do? Do I walk away and that would be the safest and easiest way. Do I attempt to contact her down the road and reassure here that I care about her and love. her. Love comes along very infrequently. I have certainly met my share of people but have not felt this strongly about someone. I work hard, I have found this relationship to be emotionally taxing. But I recognize how hard this whole thing is. I would like thoughts based on your experience. Can someone have a successful relationship with a BPD partner, and what are the steps and understandings I must have to be supportive to make that happen.

By: Lied to alot

Lied to alot — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 01:27:25 +0000

My BP wife has had several flings during our 10 year marriage. periodically, it has been over most of our marriage. She says it is to feel wanted by men as she has no identity or self esteem and I am not a source for helping her as i am supposed to tell her she is sexy and beautiful. So, she lied until I cought her and demanded a lie detector test because she wore she told me the truth about 50 questions that were unanswered and times and places she went missing. I gave her amnesty to tell the truth at 20 intervals over 6 months and after telling me that all lies had been corrected, one more lie would come out each time. Most of the lies were to protect the persons involved, not me, nor herself. She did not want me to speak to ppeople involved or that knew information nor did she want me to seek vengenece. i have been the butt of a huge joke and mass infidelity and the last of many of my friends to find out. I dont see where her lies meet any of the criteria above, they were just selfish transgressions and I am the bad guy, the interogating parent. i can never trust her enough to continue. We have kids, and the suffering is about to become theirs chiefly. if ou want out of a relationship, I advise being truthful and not bringing in a 3rd person. Above all, she fears me leaving her and will kill herself if i leave her. She is in therapy and I am in trouble for putting this issues first and “in the current” while her therapist damns me for selfishly preventing her from allowing her therapy to take her back to her youthful abuse source. I cannot wait as i am deciding to stay or go before more infidelity occurs at my expense. Why is that so unfair to her therapist? Isnt it unfair and creates more suffering for mw to not have important questions that deide the direction i must go for my own well-being?

By: Bon Dobbs

Bon Dobbs — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:25:46 +0000

What I would do is this: tell him that you lied because you wanted sympathy and felt alone. That you were sad at the time and you felt you needed more communication. You lied to make yourself feel better, not to hurt him or deceive him in a malicious way. When a person is sad and lonely, they might do and say things that they wouldn’t otherwise do and say, so that they can make a connection and feel better. The lie was about YOUR feelings of loneliness and sadness. It was not about him. That being said, lying is not an effective method to deal with your sadness, because, if the lie is discovered, you feel guilt and shame and more sadness. Tell him that you will try and be more truthful with your feelings, rather than have your feelings shape the “truth” – which is what you were doing before by lying.

By: CAT

CAT — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 06:24:04 +0000

About 6 months ago I told my hubby that I was raped simply because I thought he didn’t care about me and didn’t want me anymore and that is the way that I tried to get attention. I told him today that what I said was a lie. He is so hurt by this and wants a divorce as in yesterday.

WHAT CAN I DO!!!!!!

By: Bon Dobbs

Bon Dobbs — Thu, 15 May 2008 21:35:20 +0000

My question for you what is the motivation? You’ve said to avoid pain. Will the pain come from your hubby’s judgment? Or something else? Self-invalidation perhaps? I guess you are following motivation #1?

By: BPD in OKC

BPD in OKC — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:05:52 +0000

Lying is the worst symptom of my borderline (or so my husband says). So many times it seems easier to lie to him than tell the truth. The truth may hurt me, I always think to myself. In reality, the truth will hurt a lot less than telling a lie and getting caught.