Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

I have an email list for nons called the Anything to Stop the Pain google group. You can visit it here:

http://groups.google.com/group/ATSTPGroup/

Before you request to join the group, you might want to read my book “When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder”. Here is a brief “ad” for the book:

 Think someone in your life that has Borderline Personality Disorder? Buy the book that has helped hundreds of people like yourself. When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder really is a how-to, step-by-step for loved ones of people with BPD to communicate more effectively. To get more information on the book, click on the image below:

If you are a parent, partner (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend), friend or child of someone with BPD, this book can teach you how to cope with someone with this chaotic disorder. Restore peace in your life. Help yourself and them.

The reason I suggest reading it is that it explains the philosophy of the group and it has helped many, many people in the group in their relationships with their BPD loved ones.

Here is the original message to the group:

Welcome to the group. Anything to stop the pain (ATSTP) is a group for
“non” borderlines in relationships with people with Borderline
Personality Disorder.

Who am I?

My name is Bon Dobbs. That’s not my real name, but it is the name I
use for interaction with other people when I speak about this issue in
the public (or at least semi-public) forum of the Internet. I suggest
that you post into this list ANONYMOUSLY as well. Like other lists’
suggestions, I feel like it is a good idea. When you are dealing with
someone with BPD, one of the key issues is rage. If your partner (or
whatever) finds out that you have been speaking out on the Internet
about his or her disorder, he or she may become enraged. This situation
can be dangerous to you and him/her and to any other people that are
involved (i.e. children). So, like many lists on the Internet, you
should post here anonymously. Get a anonymous email account if you have
to. There are a number of tools that can be used to “remove your
trail” if you share a computer with the borderline. I suggest that
you use them. I can point you to them if you’d like.

Some of you may know me from the Welcome to Oz list (WTO). As you may
or may not know, I got moderated on that list several times. I began to
realize that I was no longer welcome on that list. Why? Because I
wasn’t BP-bashing like so many on that list are. Also, I began to
question whether the setting of “limits” or “boundaries” was
the best course of action when dealing with someone with BPD. I will go
into more detail about my history with my BP wife, if any of you are
interested. I set up a blog a while back.

What is the nature of this list/group?

Unlike other aforementioned lists, I set up ATSTP to serve the
“non” borderline who is committed to stay with his or her partner.
I also set it up for the parents and children of borderlines. You see,
I felt there was a hole in the “non” universe. One of my daughters
(who is 14) always says to me after her mother (my wife) has gone off
on a trip to “Oz” (a BPD episode): “Dad, we talk and talk about
this, but no body every DOES anything.” So, I attended a DBT Family
Skills group (4 hours once a week for 10 weeks) to try and obtain the
skills necessary to make my life easier. Did it help? Yes. Did it cure
the disorder? No. Do I have more to learn? Yes.

Anyway, I wanted to have a place where “nons” can share skills,
tools and strategies for dealing with their borderlines. One of the
most eye-opening things I found when attending my group was that most
of the participants were parents of kids with BPD. All the kids were
girls of varying ages (from 16-40). Many of the parents were bewildered
about how their daughter could have this illness. Most had another
child, of an age close to the borderline that was fine (but sometimes
not). The reason I bring it up is that a parent has a tough time
“leaving” a child, although it is done. Instead, they have to deal
with the disorder day-in and day-out, without the “escape hatch” of
break-up or divorce. They (and us partners that are committed to
staying) must learn new strategies and tactics for dealing with the
borderline in our life.

Basically, it boils down to: this is a list for “nons” to ask say
“I need help? What worked for you?”

If the strategy you learned read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” (SWOE)
works for you — keep doing it. If not, keep reading.

As many of you know, I don’t place much stock in the “boundaries”
approach. I say this up-front because I think boundaries are often
misinterpreted. I believe that they will work for you if you can
control them completely - but if you are making a “boundary” or
“limit” for the borderline, I think it is doomed to fail. It may
work for a time, but eventually, it will be crossed, because of the
pain/shame dynamic within BPD.

I called this group (and my blog) “Anything to stop the pain”
because I thoroughly believe that borderlines are in such emotional
pain that will do anything to quell that pain. They will cut
themselves, or take drugs, or lie, or spend, or have irresponsible sex
or kill themselves to stop their pain. Think about how that feels. We
can together help them and help ourselves.

Welcome,

Bon

Some Notes and Rules

First of all, a few rules:

Disclaimer:

This list is intended to provide support and learning environment for
members to share experiences. It is no way intended to be a mental
health service. If you find yourself or someone you care about in
crisis, please seek immediate help from your local hospital, doctor,
and or mental health professional.

1. No personal attacks, profane language, and any other abusive
behaviors are accepted. Please note that the list coordinator reserves
the right to remove any individual who displays such behavior.

2. Members are expected to respond to each other’s feelings and points
of view in a supportive, receptive, and respectful manner.

3. Please do not post ads, commercial messages or any other messages
that do not relate to the topic of discussion unless it is approved by
the list moderators. This includes attachments of any kind.

*The listowner reserves the right to remove from this list any member
who is disruptive and or abusive at any time.*

And finally, a final disclaimer:

Remember, I am not a doctor of any kind. I am not a health professional
or mental health professional. While there may be members of this group
at some point that ARE mental health professionals, the purpose of this
group is not to provide medical or mental health advice. If you are
having a serious mental health issue, please go to a mental health
professional. If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide or at
risk of hurting someone (including themselves), please seek help
immediately.

Share This

Bon Dobbs :: Sep.08.2007 :: Borderline Personality Disorder ::

Trackback this post |