Borderline Personality Disorder,  Emotions

Some Assumptions about BPD

Main Assumption: BPD is an emotional disorder in which the sufferer experiences extremely intense emotions and has more trouble than “normal” people do returning to “baseline” (they have a long “refractory period”). Notice I didn’t say “moods” – it is not a mood disorder (like bipolar) because moods last a long time. Emotions are short lasting and can spur other emotions. Ever notice how your BP can swing from sadness to anger to shame to elation all in about an hour (or less)?

If that is accepted then the next step is: what does one do about that? The best answer I can come up with is to use validation. If you feel something emotionally, you usually don’t have a “choice” not to feel it. Emotions are very valuable to us – they can save our life (as evidenced by the automatic fear reaction when a car swerves in front of you). So, some form of the emotion is valid, even if you think it isn’t “right” in these circumstances.

So, how does one validate an emotional state? You must identify it first. So, if your BP looks angry, you say “It seems like you are angry. What happened?” Usually the “trigger” is something that just happened, even if it relates to some long-standing fear/disagreement. The trigger will be something that JUST HAPPENED – that is the nature of emotion (not mood) – it is immediate. These triggers may not be what you think they are at all – they may seem trivial to you, but to the BP, they are a BIG DEAL.

When they tell you want happened, VALIDATE IT. What I mean is don’t say it is “right” or “wrong” to feel that way, just that they do feel that way, because they do. In other words, if my wife says, “You called me this morning and didn’t say anything about how I got up and took care of the baby last night, I am so pissed!” I would say,”Wow, I can see that you’re so pissed, feeling that someone doesn’t acknowledge your hard work must really upset you. Anyone would be upset if they didn’t feel appreciated.” This does two things: it validates that they feel that way and it normalizes the feeling. It also does NOT admit that you did anything wrong. In other words, it validates the feeling, but not the circumstances that triggered it.

OK, so I’m done for a while more. If you do decide to try this technique, be careful NOT to make it about you. It is about how they feel, not about how you feel. This is the most difficult skill to learn because when they are yelling at you about something YOU have done, it is hard to remember it is not about you. You want to jump in there are deny or reframe the argument to defend yourself and make it about you. I would suggest not doing this. It may feel “right” at the time to do that, but it will not be “effective” to dealing with the emotional state in the BP.

Also, don’t try and solve their problem (don’t try and make it better), don’t apologize, don’t judge. I know it’s hard and really, please don’t take me wrong, I am not trying in any way to invalidate the pain and struggle you guys go through as nons – really, I go through it too. I am not criticizing what you have been doing so far or what is working for you. I am not saying, “you’re doing it all wrong.” If what you are doing works, by all means keep it up. If what you have been doing so far doesn’t work, try this out and see if things get better. If it doesn’t help, try something else.