Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

Well, I haven’t updated my stats in a while so I thought it might be interesting to do so. The last 30 days I had the following stats:

Celebrities with a PD rose to 53% of the traffic - it’s amazing what people are interested in.

BPD General rose to 26% of my traffic. This is due in part to my running a Google AdWords campaign on the term “BPD” to try and get my book, When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, into the hands of more people.

Coping was about the same as in the past.

I was happy to see that “BPD evil” and “BPD demonic possession” has dropped off the top search terms.

Now for some notable recent search engine terms that found my blog (my comments in parenthesis):

bpd blame (yes, they do a lot of it)
bpd sluts (hmmm…)
why are borderlines evil (they’re not)
i’m in love with bpd woman (fasten your seatbelt!)
“npd”+”marriage” (no, please don’t)
bpd people why they threaten to leave you (because they want to leave you before you leave them)
inner child borderline personality disorder (not the inner child again, please!)
bpd family guilt no contact (that’s tough)
demonic symptoms (it doesn’t exist)
suicide how to do it (I almost cried at that one)
dbt parenting skills (read WHINE and take a DBT-FST class)
how to calm someone who is dysregulated (read WHINE)
praying for spouse with bpd (sometimes hope is not enough)
bpd and bitch (ouch!)
how to tell someone they have bpd (don’t)
demon possession vs. mental illness (these people and their beliefs in demons)
borderline personality girl causes trouble (I bet!)
bpd don’t know how to show love (no, they have too much shame until they are treated)
loving a bpd (it’s a rough road)
borderline personality god (I guess they were looking for answers, not diagnosing god)
tough love therapy (it doesn’t work with BPD)
do people with bpd cheat more (some of them do)
do people with bpd ever realize the truth (emotional truth, yes)
bpd body image (it ain’t good)
demon possession borderline personality (the demons AGAIN?)
how to get rid of bpd spouse? (I hope you didn’t mean “get rid of” like really get rid of)
child of a borderline hell (that’s sad)
i want bpd ex back (you sure?)
“bpd” burn bridges  (yes!)

Bon Dobbs :: Sep.18.2008 :: Stats :: 1 Comment »

I have discovered some resources on the web that may help those with BPD (and those nons who are in a relationship with someone with BPD). These resources are:

Mass General Hospital Mood Charting (thanks to Tides…)

DBT Skills Help:

Emotional Regulation Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com … from Borderline Personality From the Inside Out

Mindfulness Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com

Distress Tolerance Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com

DBT Family Skills Training… from middle-path.org

You can gain access to more DBT resources, to other pertinent files, and to advice from me and other group members by joining the ATSTP (Anything to Stop the Pain) Google Email List.

Bon Dobbs :: Sep.17.2008 :: Resources, DBT-FST, Mindfulness, DBT, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

Often in my Internet group people mention that they feel that the difference between people with BPD and Non-BPs is that they have different “value sets.” I disagree with this understanding of BPD. It’s not about values. It’s about emotions. In my opinion, emotions will trump values just about every time, especially in someone who does impulsive things under the influence of strong negative emotions. Emotions operate on a more “primal” level than do values. In WHINE, I quote Peter Steinke’s Healthy Congregations:

When stress and anxiety are high, the R (reptilian) system is exaggerated.  In other words, people become more thoughtless, more instinctive, and more automatic.  The same is true concerning the feeling brain.  Once fueled by limbic-derived feelings, we have less access to the thinking brain.  Both brains have ensured the survival of the individual and the species.  Necessary to survival, feelings have an insistent quality and are hardwired into the nervous system.  With strong arousal, the limbic brain can be driven to continue.  The reactive force can go on for hours.  Highly excited emotional states are like poison ivy - we become all itch.

The point of this quote is to illustrate that emotions operate at a lower level in the brain than do values and even thoughts. The author goes on to say:

One of the functions of the thinking brain is to exercise veto power over the instinctive forces of the two lower brains [Reptilian and Feeling brain].  It sets limits on behavior; it provides self-control.  This is one reason moral codes are stated in the negative - “Thou shalt not . . .”  Nonetheless the lower brains, more automatic and defensive than the thinking brain, have a quicker triggering effect and do not easily defer to the thinking brain.

The phrase “do not easily defer to the thinking brain” is an understatement in my opinion. If someone is overcome with emotions, especially strong, negative emotions which is the likely situation with BPD, the “lower brains” at which the emotions are operating will rarely defer to the thinking brain. Therefore, if a person with BPD acts in a way that goes against his/her values, that is probably the cause.

Bon Dobbs :: Sep.16.2008 :: WHINE Book, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

Many times I’ve seen Non-BPs mention that couples counseling doesn’t really work for them. One member of an Internet support list I used to be a member of posted a message about his BP “snowing” the couple’s therapist. In fact, just about every message (of hundreds) was about this subject. Clearly, Non-BPs are upset about the dynamics of couple’s counseling and feel that they get “dumped on” by the BP. The Nons end of feeling blamed for everything. When this subject came up in the ATSTP group recently, I turned to a knowledgeable member about this subject. She posted the following message (which I’ve edited slightly because I wanted to remove any reference to others in the group). BTW, I don’t normally repost messages from the group here on my public blog - I only do so when the message contains as much wisdom as this one does, doesn’t contain any identifyable “marks” and is not “personal” in nature.

Well, my experience has been that marital counseling doesn’t really help
much when a BP is involved, because counselors really don’t understand the
dynamics of BPD.  While their goal is to promote better communication
between partners, they tend to focus on resolving the complaints.
Of course, BPs have LOTS of complaints (which
really are not the problem), so nons just end up feeling attacked… even by
the counselor at times.  When counselors do this, it tends to validate the
BPs feeling that their nons really are the problem.  It sometimes even
leaves the non feeling like he/she really is the problem.

I suspect you may want to continue this “counseling” approach, since it is
SOMETHING your BP has agreed to.  If so, my suggestion would be for you to
be as honest as possible with the counselor about YOUR FEELINGS.  Don’t
waste your time (and money) defending against your BPs accusations and don’t
point fingers back.  (This only makes you look bad to the counselor… like
you never let your BP talk or express himself… ha!, I know!)  Simply ASK
for advice on how to communicate better (since that is the goal of the
counselor to get you communicating with one another.)  Try the suggestion a
few times, and if it doesn’t work, then you can come back the following
session and express your disappointment and confusion about why it isn’t
working.  Eventually, after enough times of doing this, your counselor will
(hopefully) recognize that he/she cannot help you and will refer you to
someone more qualified (like a DBT specialist, if your lucky enough to have
one of those in your area.)

My only comment on this statement - which is wonderful IMO - is the idea that the complaints are “not really the problem.” If those complaints are not really the problem, what is? Well, I believe it is that the BP FEELS bad (negative emotions) and judged (so they judge back). I think if someone who DOES understand the dynamics of BPD works with a couple, the therapist can hopefully deal with the real issue: the painful emotions.

Bon Dobbs :: Sep.05.2008 :: Blame, Treatment, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »