I don’t like to quote Sam Vaknin much… for various reasons, but I stumbled on this quote from him about NPD vs. BPD. The reason this came up to begin with is that I was discussing whether certain people in on-line support groups might be dealing with something other than BPD.

There are certain support groups in which women make up a large proportion of the group. This confused me a bit, because BPD is much more likely to be diagnosed in women, rather than men. Removing the homosexual female component, there are still more women complaining about their abusive “BPD” men (most often BPxh - which means “Borderline Ex Husband” for all the uninitiated). When I read their accounts, it appears to me that their “BP men” are (mainly, but not exclusively) either suffering from NPD or suffering from the disorder of being an ass.

We talked about this on my board ATSTP some time ago. I also discussed it with an another knowledageble person about BPD. She disagreed with my assessment that BPD and NPD are (usually) mutally exclusive and my idea that perhaps these self-diagnosed “BPs” are really suffering from something else. (again all of this, as always, is my NON-MEDICAL opinion… and this quote below is from Sam Vaknin’s non-medical opinion - he’s a doctor, but not a medical doctor… and I’m not going into the rabbit hole of his degrees). Anyway, here’s the quote and my take on it (again emphasis mine):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq82.html

NPD and BPD - Suicide and Psychosis

A sense of entitlement is common to all Cluster B disorders.

Narcissists almost never act on their suicidal ideation – Borderlines do so incessantly (by cutting, self injury, or mutilation). But both tend to become suicidal under severe and prolonged stress.

NPDs can suffer from brief reactive psychoses in the same way that Borderlines suffer from psychotic microepisodes.

There are some differences between NPD and BPD, though:

1. The narcissist is way less impulsive;
2. The narcissist is less self-destructive, rarely self-mutilates, and practically never attempts suicide;
3. The narcissist is more stable (displays reduced emotional lability, maintains stability in interpersonal relationships and so on).

Ok, well, given that quote the separation regarding acting on suicidal  ideation makes sense to me. However, that being said, his comment about “borderlines do so incessantly (by cutting, self injury, or mutilation)” is basically inaccurate - self-injury is not about suicide, it’s about pain management (and in some ways even suicide attempts, purposeful or accidental, are about pain management)… but I digress…

I was looking over Dr. Heller’s site some more today and found that HIS “other common disorders associated with BPD,” don’t include NPD, but he’s a medical doctor and doesn’t seem to think any disorder should be called a “personality disorder.”

Although I don’t know much about NPD, I think  that a borderline is likely to hate herself … a narcisstist love himself. It’s simple (of course again it’s IMO), but seems right to me. I just wonder if people with BPD have been given even more of a bad rap by being confused with those with NPD (or a similiar disorder like APD). Emotional tools will not work (in my experience and in the experience of members of my list with NPD husbands) for someone with NPD.

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.22.2008 :: Other Disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 4 Comments »

There has been numerous articles and discussion in the therapeutic community about renaming BPD. Here is the text of an interview with Dr. Leland Heller about a new name and about his feelings about the current Borderline Personality Disorder Name (the emphasis in this article is mine):

A POSSIBLE NEW NAME FOR BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Many people would like to change the terminology of the “borderline personality disorder” to a new term that more accurately describes the illness. The term “BPD” in and of itself is as if the whole person (and the personality) is flawed, rather than looking at the BPD as a medical problem it actually is.

The term “borderline personality disorder” implies that there is no hope for treatment as many mental health professionals unfortunately still believe. There is thought that this illness borders on schizophrenia, thus the term “borderline.”

What then is borderline personality disorder? These questions have been posed to Dr. Leland Heller, expert in treating borderline personality disorder.

Q. What do you think about the term “borderline personality disorder”?

A. “I think it’s a horrible, insulting label for a real medical illness. The name alone reduces serious research, stigmatizes victims, and implies the person is crazy. It denies the medical nature of the process, and implies simply a personality problem.”

Q. Do you think “borderline personality disorder” is an accurate description?

A. “No I don’t. It implies a character problem. While I’ve encountered many people with a bad character who had the BPD, most borderlines I’ve treated (over 2100) do not have character problems. “Borderline” means patients live “at the border” between psychosis and reality. When borderlines are well treated medically, psychotic experiences are few and far between - and can be treated well. Borderlines don’t live at that border, they simply go into psychosis too easily under stress.”

Q. What is the BPD?

A. “The BPD is a medical problem, likely a form of epilepsy (brain cells firing inappropriately and out of control). The characteristic symptoms include inappropriate moodiness, chronic anger, emptiness, boredom, dysphoria (anxiety, rage, depression and despair) and psychosis. The other criteria are symptoms related to these medical problems.

ALL neurological disorders can have an effect on the personality, such as Parkinson’s disease which isn’t called the ‘shaking personality disorder.’ ”

Q. What does this term “Dyslimbia” mean?

“ ‘Dys’ means malfunction, and limbia meaning from the limbic system.

‘Dyslimbia’ is malfunction of the limbic system. While other neuropsychiatric disorders involve malfunction of the limbic system, the limbic system dysfunction is profound in the BPD. I chose Dyslimbia for my patients to take the stigma away. The BPD needs a new name, one that emphasizes healing not labeling.

I don’t care if it’s renamed ‘Dyslimbia’ or not, but a more honest, humane, and hopeful name needs to be made for this illness. Patients deserve to get medical attention for ‘Dyslimbia’ (or an equivalent name), rather than have doctors and therapists shun them because they are ‘borderlines.’”

I’d like to write more about the struggle for a new name… but one of the things to note is that most researchers in this area have recommended dropping the word “personality” from the name and reclassifying it Axis I. The most common and likely new name is “Emotional Regulation Disorder (ERD).”

More on this later.

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.22.2008 :: Resources, Other Disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

From the blog of “Random Thoughts of Self” I found a link to a British Study of Self-Harm called “Truth Hurts.” I also found a nice little image and blurb on the left side of that blog. The blurb said: “I want to be free… an attempt to relieve pain rather than inflict it…” which is IMO right on target when it comes to self-injury (Read “My Take on Self-Injury” to see why).

I recently  I had a member of my email list post a message thatsaid something to the effect of “these people (with BPD) have to punish themselves” (with self-injury).Of cours, I couldn’t disagree more. More often than not, it’s about relieving pain, not causing it.BTW, I don’t self-injure, but my wife’s self-injury was my introduction to BPD.

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.21.2008 :: Shame, Self-Injury, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 4 Comments »

A few weeks ago I discovered the “Tides of Crazy Love Blog,” which is written by someone I “know” (meaning I know her via an email board). I LOVE her writing. I really do. Recently, she started “debunking” Internet myths and misunderstanding about BPD. More power to her! Here is an excerpt from her debunking the “Rules of Engagement” from BPD411.org (the first paragraph comes from BPD411.org):

“Rule #5: If at any time the Non figures out the Rules of Engagement for BPD Land, the BPD’er must change the situation, rewrite history, and thereby purchase the Non a one way ticket back to BPD Land.” (BON Note: this is excerpted from rules of engagement)”

[Oh, good grief! This rule is crazy-making to me! Sheesh! The author writes as if the BP has the ability to come up with some big elaborate plan to drink, steal, cheat and lie. I’m beginning to think this person was dealing with an NP or an anti-social-type, not a BP. (Or MAYBE she was an NP and was merely projecting her own inner motives behind why she feels BPs do what they do. BTW, I suspect that some nons do come out of BP relationships with many more narcisistic characterists than they went in with… especially when abuse is part of the history between them. This seems to be the case with my mother and my MIL, anyway.)

Again, BPs impulsively react during moments of dysregulation… initially in response to a feeling (anxiety or fear, oftentimes) and their behavior can escalate as a result of their thoughts when they believe someone has invalidated their feeling (judged/persecuted them.) Their instinctive (or possibly “learned” in abusive situations) nature is to please, they suffer incredible amounts of shame… therefore, why would they PLAN to be bad? The fact is, most never learned how to do this “planning” thing effectively, which is why they are so prone to total freak-outs. They don’t know what else to do at that moment to make themselves feel better. In addition, they sit around ruminating about their own mistakes so much, they don’t have time to come up with a plan for their own healing, much less a plan for anything else. They live in the moment.

Yes, that’s exactly it. I’d love to post “Tides…” complete debunking posts. They’re great. Check them out here:

 http://thetidesofcrazylove.blogspot.com/2008/07/net-debunk-introduction.html

http://thetidesofcrazylove.blogspot.com/2008/07/net-debunk-rules-of-engagement-for-bpd.html

http://thetidesofcrazylove.blogspot.com/2008/07/net-debunk-rules-of-engagement-for-bpd_14.html

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.21.2008 :: Resources, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 1 Comment »

Britney Spears has given up custody of her sons…

Britney Agrees to Sole Custody for K-Fed

Claudia Rosenbaum

Fri Jul 18, 3:47 AM ET

Britney Spears has agreed to hand the parenting reins over to Kevin Federline.

K-Fed’s longtime attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, exclusively tells E! News the divorced duo have reached a settlement in their long-gestating custody case.

According to the agreement signed by all parties, Federline gets sole legal and physical custody of sons Sean Preston and Jayden James and Spears will have visitation rights.

“The case has been settled,” Kaplan said. “The court still has to approve it. ” Both parties are due in court Friday morning.

The case had been set to go to trial next month but all had been hoping to settle up beforehand.

“As of this evening there is a fully executed deal memo…All the issues that would have been addressed at trial have been settled,” Kaplan told E! News. “Can’t speak to the exact terms of the deal, [but the] orders in place…will stay in place.”

Although this is theoretically good news for Federline, Kaplan maintains it isn’t exactly what his client had in mind.

“Kevins was not [out] to get custody. Kevin’s goal was to set up some kind of template so the mother of his children can coparent,” Kaplan said.

“He said, ‘I need to have Britney to be involved in the coparenting of the kids, but I need there to be a structure.’ ”

But this is the structure he got, and “Kevin is absolutely delighted,” Kaplan continued.

“Nobody could have anticipated the terms of events that have occurred…This was a two-year journey that will be halted at a point that is good for these children. Custody is always modifiable. If there is a final order, it means there is nothing to try.”

Spears has been enjoying monitored visits with her boys since late February after temporarily losing any on-hand-mommying privileges following a stretch of noticeably erratic behavior on her part and two brief hospital stays.

Federline’s camp has credited the influence of Spears’ father, Jamie, who was appointed a coconservator of his daughter’s estate Feb. 1, for helping to get the 26-year-old popster back on track.

A court commissioner is scheduled to review whether to make the conservatorship permanent at the end of this month. If the arrangement were to end, what then happens to Spears’ current deal?

“While I can’t tell you the terms, the order does anticipate what happens if the conservatorship is ended,” Kaplan told E! News. “The devil is always in the details, and this is a very detailed deal memo.

“Nobody can predict what the future will bring, but to the extent possible, I think we have really anticipated how to proceed.”

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.18.2008 :: Celebrities, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 2 Comments »

This is an excerpt from pages 103-104 from my book When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. This excerpt comes from my (long) discussion of validation and how and why to do it. In the book, I outline a six step process to validation. This is a part of “Step 3: Making a Validating Statement”:

Examples of validating statements:
- That must have made you feel really angry.
- What a frustrating situation to be in!
- It must make you feel angry to have someone do that.
- That’s so difficult for you.
- Wow, how hard that must be.
- That’s stinks!
- That’s messed up! (or stronger language if you are so inclined)
- How frustrating!
- Yeah, I can see how that might make you feel really sad.
- Boy, you must be angry.
- What a horrible feeling.
- What a tough spot.
- That must be really discouraging.
- I bet you feel disappointed.
- Rats, I know how much that meant to you.
- That’s so painful for you.
- Tell me more. (shows interest)
- Wow, she must have made you really angry.

And, of course, many, many more. If you want a validating statement to feel “true” make it about the truth of the situation for the other person. That truth is the way they feel about the event.
When you make a validating statement you should not:

- Make it about you. “I hated it when that happened to me.”
- Try to one-up the person. “Oh, you think you have it bad…”
- Tell them how they should feel. “You should feel blessed…”
- Try to give them advice. “What you really should do is…”
- Try to solve their problem. “I’m going to call that girl’s parents and…”
- Cheerlead (there is a time for this, but not now). “I know you can do it…”
- Make “life” statements. “Well, life’s not fair…”
- Make judgmental statements. “What you did was wrong…”
- Make “revisionist” statements. “If you had only…”
- Make it about your feelings. “How do you think that makes me feel?”
- Make “character” statements. “You’re too sensitive…”
- Rationalize another person’s behavior. “I bet they were just…”
- Call names. “You’re such a baby.”
- Use reason or the “facts.” “That’s not what happened…”
- Use “always” or “never” statements. “You always get yourself into these situations…”
- Compare the person to someone else. “Why can’t you be like your sister?”
- Label the person. “You’re nuts.”
- Advising to cut ties or ignore the situation. “Just ignore him.”

Remember, the current problem is not what happened; it is what the BP feels about it. So, the problem that must be addressed is her feelings, not the situation. To address her feelings, you must do so using emotional language, not rational or judgmental language.

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.18.2008 :: WHINE Book, Validation, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 6 Comments »

Apparently, Amazon is offering my book at a discount. Right now, you can get When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder for $17.96 versus $19.95. Don’t know why they’re doing it.

Another quick review from my group…

Disclaimer: I just downloaded WHINE. I have not read the entire book.

However, the section on validation is excellent, excellent, excellent!
For some reason, I’m always deeply impressed when someone actually
understands this concept. Not only is validation explained in a
complete way but sample conversations are also given with suggested
validating language.

This section alone needs to be required reading for any loved ones of
persons diagnosed with BPD.

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.17.2008 :: WHINE Book, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

Well, I haven’t written anything EVER about Andy Dick… but I read an article today that puts him high on the celebrity BPD meter… I also watch the YouTube clip of him being thrown off of Jimmy Kimmel’s show. Here is the article and the clip:

Comedian Andy Dick arrested in drug, sexual battery case in Murrieta
From the Associated Press

Andy Dick, 42, was arrested today on suspicion of drug use and sexual battery in Murrieta.
The former ‘NewsRadio’ star allegedly fondled a teen and pulled down her tank top outside a restaurant. Police say they found marijuana and Xanax in his possession.
By David Kelly, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer
July 17, 2008
Actor and comedian Andy Dick, who has a history of run-ins with the law, was arrested early Wednesday outside a Murrieta restaurant on suspicion of sexual battery and drug possession.

Police said Dick, who was heavily intoxicated, grabbed and fondled the breast of a 17-year-old girl before pulling her top down in the parking lot of the Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar about 1:15 in the morning.

“The victim was traumatized by this,” said Lt. Dennis Vrooman, spokesman for the Murrieta Police Department.

Police later found one gram of marijuana and one Xanax anti-anxiety pill in Dick’s pocket. He was arrested and later released on $5,000 bail.

It was the latest in a string of encounters that Dick, 42, has had with authorities. The former star of the comedy series “NewsRadio” was cited last year in Columbus, Ohio, for urinating in public. He was kicked off the set of “Jimmy Kimmel Live” for repeatedly touching fellow guest Ivanka Trump. In 1999 he drove his car into a telephone pole and was charged with possession of cocaine and marijuana.

Calls to his manager were not returned.

Vrooman said police had already warned Dick about his intoxication before he went to the restaurant. Officers had encountered the comedian while responding to an altercation at the Corner Pocket Sports Cafe in Murrieta about 9 p.m. Tuesday. They told him to leave or face possible arrest on public intoxication charges. He left with five or six friends.

Dick, who listed his address as Woodland Hills, told officers he was in town to attend the funeral of a friend’s father.

Later that night, Dick and his entourage arrived at the Buffalo Wild Wings and began drinking, police said. He was recognized by several patrons, including the alleged victim, who approached him.

Vrooman said the girl, who is from Murrieta, tried to talk to Dick but backed off when she realized how intoxicated he was.

Sara Lidman, one of the restaurant managers, would say only that Dick was in the bar with friends.

Police said that when Dick left he spotted the girl and her friend in the parking lot and shouted, “There are the girls!”

“He groped her breast with his right hand, then pulled down her top,” Vrooman said.

The teen’s friend called police.

When they arrived, they found Dick in the front seat of a Honda pickup truck heading toward a nearby Sam’s Club parking lot.

Officers stopped the truck and forced all the men inside to line up so the girl could identify the man who allegedly groped her. She pointed to Dick.

A search of his pockets turned up the Xanax and marijuana. He did not have a prescription for the Xanax, police said.

Vrooman said Dick was belligerent at first and then answered officers’ questions.

On Saturday, Dick was spotted at Pepe’s Mexican Restaurant and Cantina in Canyon Lake in Riverside County.

“My understanding was that he was drinking soda water and was not drunk,” said Pepe’s owner Marty Gibson. “There was no altercation that I heard of.”

Dick was arrested on suspicion of sexual battery, possession of a controlled substance and possession of marijuana, and he may yet be charged with public intoxication, Vrooman said.

He is scheduled to be arraigned Aug. 12 in Murrieta.

david.kelly@latimes.com

Times staff writer Harriet Ryan contributed to this report.

The video.

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.17.2008 :: Celebrities, Video, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 1 Comment »

Now that my book, When Hope is Not Enough has appeared on Amazon (see it here), I have been checking my Amazon sales ranking daily (ok, maybe more like hourly). It’s painful and exhilarating at the same time. I have been as high as 33,000 (which ain’t great I know) and as low as 300,000+. As I write this the book is around 62,000. Some book with comparable content:

• Stop Walking on Eggshells - 495 in books (whoa!)
• SWOE Workbook - 5,772 (I’d settle for that)
• Tears and Healing - 930,985
•  One Way Ticket to Kansas - 21,832
• Breaking free from Boomerang Love - 22,865
• Why does he do that? - 1,912
• Emotional Vampires - 3,041
• And the upcoming Essential Family Guide to BPD - 440,683 (but not yet published)

Oh the ups and downs. Of course, I have of late been plugging my book because I think it can really help family members and loved ones with understanding and dealing with someone with BPD.

Here’s another quote from my list from a reader of WHINE (my book):

Seriously, Bon, your book is the only thing out there that has a complete set of tools for dealing with BP behavior, written in plain English.  SWOE offers some good tools but not a systematic process, like yours do.  The DBT materials are great but not really targeting Nons, as far as I can tell.   What I see you doing is adapting [a] theory and process for Nons, and making it very accessible and easy to understand.  And SWOE has a lot of time and momentum on its side and a real publisher behind them, so it’s not at all surprising how well it is ranked compared to WHINE.

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.16.2008 :: WHINE Book, Resources :: 1 Comment »

I have to say I got a huge laugh out of this. A member of my list nominated me for president…. ok, not really, but check the video. They do an amazing job here. I think I’ll have to download it and put it on YouTube….

http://www.news3online.com/index.php?code=28YtV161o2mpa64Wts86

I gotta figure out how to embed that video. Please watch via the link. Very funny.

Bon Dobbs :: Jul.15.2008 :: Odds and Ends, Video :: No Comments »