The myth of Hoovering
I get so sick of the “support community” for Non-BP’s on the Internet. The terms that invent and proliferate – it’s enough to drive someone crazy. Misinformation, misinformation, misinformation. I understand that Nons are upset, angry and confused about BPD. Heck, I was upset, angry and confused too – about three years ago. I think it’s best to learn as much as you can about the disorder and to practice skills to make things easier, both for the BP and the Non-BP.
Today, I’d like to take on the idea of “hoovering.” A full definition of hoovering can be found here (BTW, that is a lousy website for BPD information IMO). You can read the definition and forget it. Hoovering doesn’t exist. As a Non, you might feel that it exists, but in reality it doesn’t exist. I know I’m bound to get angry emails or comments from angry Nons that are convinced that they have been hoovered. “It happened just last night!” I thought I had been hoovered, way back on November 2, 2005. Here’s the text of a message I posted on WTO about my wife’s “hoovering”:
FROM ANOTHER LIST MEMBER: [I have never written before because I was too ashamed to admit that I had allowed myself and my children to fall into such a bizarre and screwed up situation, nor am I sure that anyone would believe what we have actually lived through.]
MY RESPONSE:
Yes, no joke. Really none.I have felt this way for YEARS. I have refused to open up to anyone. I was embarrassed and sick about the behaviors. It wasn’t until last month at this time - when my wife exhibited “cutting” behavior – that I realized that she’d finally gone and done something I didn’t have an inkling about why. I always understood the depression (it’s in my family in spades) - I always understood the rage (well, sort of, Nons are angry too) - But I never felt the compulsion to cut myself.
That = research. Research = finding out about the real story behind BPD. That = finding WTO. This forum is just about the only thing that keeps me sane. Knowing that I’m not alone, that’s priceless.
You are not alone. Embarrassed, sure. Hiding the secret, yes.
My wife is currently (well, if she wasn’t passed out from taking too many sleep pills) in a BP moment - she just hoovered in the most primal way - trying to push my buttons, but me not allowing them to be pushed. That = rage on her part (and I have said she isn’t a rager - she only rages when I don’t comply). Now I’m 3 rooms away (we have a fairly large house) and I can hear her snoring away as I write this. Point is - embarrassed or not - the nons all feel your pain.
God, I knew nothing about BPD back then. I was so ignorant. I actually said that finding WTO was “finding the real story behind BPD.” Stupid me. I’ve learned so much more about BPD since then and realized that WTO was poisonous toward maintaining a relationship with a BP. I just felt so validated there, because I found other people that had experienced some of the same things I felt I had experienced. I had an explanation and some (virtual) shoulders to cry on. Unfortunately, that is all they do there – bitch about there (usually) “BPxh” (who most likely doesn’t have BPD and is just an a-hole) and cry on each other shoulders. I suppose there’s room in the (virtual) world for that. Must be, considering they have 4000+ members.
Ok, back to hoovering. Why do I say it doesn’t exist? I say it doesn’t exist because a person with BPD has dysregulated emotions. When they feel kind, happy, desperate, anxious, sad, angry, etc. they actually FEEL that way. The feeling is overpowering. It is not a “designed” situation. It is not manipulation – which is exactly what hoovering implies. A person with BPD is too “in the moment” of their dysregulated emotions to plan ahead of time when to hoover. Granted, this action may be born out of a fear of abandonment. However, the feeling is real and not prearranged.
Well, then you might ask me: What does this person (with BPD) actually believe about me? Are they telling the truth when they rage at me and tell me they hate me? Are they telling the truth when they “hoover” me into sex (or something else)? My answer: they are telling the truth in both situations. The truth is what they feel at any given time. It is not about you. It is about their feelings and their inability to self-soothe. I have an acronym for this in my book: IAAHF (It’s all about his/her feelings). Once you understand that, you are moving a long way toward the path of healing.
Share ThisBon Dobbs :: Jun.04.2008 :: Emotions, Manipulation, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 3 Comments »
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I really appreciate how well-tended and comprehensive your blog continues to be. However, I just wanted to comment on this entry, because I feel it alienates a lot of people who could potentially benefit from your experience as partner of someone with BPD.
Your contempt for the WTO forum at large is pretty thinly - if at all - veiled in this entry. I realize it’s not the most optimistic community in terms of sustaining a relationship with a BPD-affected partner, but Nons are not seeking answers for that sole purpose. I’m sure you can relate to the rending ambivalence and loss of self that most Nons find themselves coping with. Sometimes they may need people to commiserate with, or to give them a much-needed wake-up call that they’re in danger and should exit. I’ve only recently joined and have already seen many cases of members rebuilding their lives with the support of the group, and this is anything but harmful for both the Non and the person with BPD
A lot of Nons have been / are in abusive, traumatic situations as a result of BPD. Receiving validation of that experience, as well as advice and encouragement, can repair self-esteem, renew strength, or even save lives. The sense of isolation inherent to that dynamic can emotionally cripple a person and sometimes all they need is a dialogue to confirm that they’re not alone in it. Why denounce a forum - merely a sum of individuals no different than your own readership - from which you yourself once received support, just because you’ve ultimately found a solution that suits your personal situation better? Is it that crucial for you to put such a vast gulf between your enlightened mentality and their “so three years ago” state of ignorance, confusion, and anger?
Regarding the misinformation you mention, you’ve discounted the existence of the “hoovering” phenomenon on the basis that it’s not a conscious behaviour. In the link you provided, and in mentions of this concept I’ve seen elsewhere, I didn’t note any stipulation that the key ingredient of hoovering is premeditation. It’s merely an esoteric term to describe the behaviour that follows after the person with BPD has done something to scare off / push away their partner, and it is very compelling and sometimes very dangerous for the Non. It also mirrors the cycle of violence in cases of domestic abuse and you are dismissing the realities of countless victims who are so frequently told they should “just leave”. THIS is a shining example of ignorance. Whatever household appliance you name it after, the behaviour pattern in question most certainly does exist, in studies, interviews, textbooks, and therapy sessions, regardless of whether the person enacting it is conscious of its effects.
Lastly, I wanted to comment on something specific you wrote that leapt out at me:
“Unfortunately, that is all they do there – bitch about there (usually) “BPxh” (who most likely doesn’t have BPD and is just an a-hole) and cry on each other shoulders.”
I don’t know if you intentionally meant to do this, but the above assessment comes off as quite gendered and judgmental. The use of “bitch” in conjunction with “BPx[husband]” and “cry[ing] on each other’s shoulders” all connote negative stereotypes about women. The sweeping judgment that the aforementioned is “all they do” also devalues any positive or conversations they may have had there; moreover, I don’t understand what led you to the conclusion that their “(usually)” ex-husband does not likely have BPD. Care to clarify?
I’ve read your blog in bits and pieces since first finding out that the man in my life had BPD and had found your observations to be well thought-out and fairly objective, despite stemming from subjective experience. This entry undermines your overall credibilty with its unwarranted hostility, blatant disregard of effective communication techniques (validation, anyone??) and unsettling degree of callousness towards the majority of your audience: Nons.
Des,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and lengthy comment. After reading your comment, yes, I’d like to clarify about Hoovering specifically, which I plan to do in a new post about it and about your comment here. You said:
(snip)
“Unfortunately, that is all they do there “ bitch about there (usually) “BPxh” (who most likely doesn’t have BPD and is just an a-hole) and cry on each other shoulders.”
I don’t know if you intentionally meant to do this, but the above assessment comes off as quite gendered and judgmental. The use of “bitch” in conjunction with “BPx[husband]” and “cry[ing] on each other’s shoulders” all connote negative stereotypes about women. The sweeping judgment that the aforementioned is “all they do” also devalues any positive or conversations they may have had there; moreover, I don’t understand what led you to the conclusion that their “(usually)” ex-husband does not likely have BPD. Care to clarify?
I’ve read your blog in bits and pieces since first finding out that the man in my life had BPD and had found your observations to be well thought-out and fairly objective, despite stemming from subjective experience. This entry undermines your overall credibilty with its unwarranted hostility, blatant disregard of effective communication techniques (validation, anyone??) and unsettling degree of callousness towards the majority of your audience: Nons.
(unsnip)
That comment of mine springs from a frustration with the “nons” audience. I agree that nons require validation because, clearly, they are suffering from the chaotic interpersonal relationship with their BP. At the same time, many “nons” from certain areas of the Internet are not really nons at all. While my emotional skills can help anyone would is in a relationship with a highly emotional person, I have found that many people that are complaining about their “BP” are really in a relationship with someone with (primarily) NPD. BPD and NPD are two completely different disorders IMO. Emotional skills that work with BPs will not work with NPs - in fact, the skills could just make the situation worse.
I certainly apologize if I came across as invalidating toward nons, yet I wanted to make it clear that MANY people on the Internet are not dealing with BPD - and it matters. The reason I used women (and men can bitch too IMO) as an example is that BPD is more often diagnosed in women, not men. NPD, on the other hand, is more often diagnosed in men. So, it would seem to me that most of the people seeking help for their BP would be men - which is exactly the case on the ATSTP list, but it not the case on WTO. When these people (many of them women) describe the behavior of their “BPxh” it seems clear to me that they are not dealing with BPD at all. This is not to say that YOU are not dealing with a BPx. It’s just that I have found, with the popularity of SWOE, people read that book and assume that they are dealing with BPD. In many cases, this is not the case. So, some of these “nons” (which as you note is my primary audience) are not non-BPs at all (although they may be non-something else).
I write this blog and I wrote my book so that non-BPs can become more effective in their relationships with their BPs. However, if the other person does not have BPD or another similar emotions-based disorder, using the skills can be ineffective. While they can work with other emotional situations, if the person has NPD or some other clearly non-emotional disorder, these skills will not be effective. My intention in writing this post was not to insult or invalidate the nons - no, that would be counter-productive - it was to encourage the nons to examine closely their relationship with their BP to see if, in fact, it is an emotions-based disorder.
Bon
Des,
Also, I wanted to respond to one more comment you made here, and I will follow up with a post about Hoovering when I get a chance:
(snip)
Your contempt for the WTO forum at large is pretty thinly - if at all - veiled in this entry. I realize it’s not the most optimistic community in terms of sustaining a relationship with a BPD-affected partner, but Nons are not seeking answers for that sole purpose. I’m sure you can relate to the rending ambivalence and loss of self that most Nons find themselves coping with. Sometimes they may need people to commiserate with, or to give them a much-needed wake-up call that they’re in danger and should exit. I’ve only recently joined and have already seen many cases of members rebuilding their lives with the support of the group, and this is anything but harmful for both the Non and the person with BPD
(unsnip)
I agree with you that nons are not seeking answers for the sole purpose of staying with their partner. In fact I have met many, many PARENTS of BPs (95% of them mothers of BPD young women) and they do need skills to learn to be more effective with their daughters. However, in the case when you want to leave a BPD-partner or you have already left a BPD partner, I am not the resource to turn for that advice and support. WTO is IMO discouraging of people that do want to work things out and to share effective skills in that process. I consult with loved ones who want to remain loved ones, not with people who want to know how to leave a relationship.
I used WTO (as you say below) 3 years ago to commiserate, to vent and to “bitch” about my wife’s behavior. You can go back into the archives and see those messages from the Oct 2005-Dec 2005 time frame.
What I decided to do with my life is take it back without having to leave my wife in the process. I wanted to remain a loved one and took the attitude that we are on the same team, even if it seems that she is committing errors all over the place. I got emotionally tough and learned emotional skills. Those helped me get through the past 3 years and promote healing on both sides of the coin. As for contempt for WTO, I think it has its place, but it is not a place for me or for people who want to be more effective in their relationships.
(snip)
A lot of Nons have been / are in abusive, traumatic situations as a result of BPD. Receiving validation of that experience, as well as advice and encouragement, can repair self-esteem, renew strength, or even save lives. The sense of isolation inherent to that dynamic can emotionally cripple a person and sometimes all they need is a dialogue to confirm that they’re not alone in it. Why denounce a forum - merely a sum of individuals no different than your own readership - from which you yourself once received support, just because you’ve ultimately found a solution that suits your personal situation better? Is it that crucial for you to put such a vast gulf between your enlightened mentality and their “so three years ago” state of ignorance, confusion, and anger?
(unsnip)
I agree wholeheartedly with you assessment here. Your description of some non relationships are exactly that. I am not denouncing WTO - I am pointing out that at some point, depending on your goals and your relationship, many nons outgrow WTO and want to arrive at a place that is more effective than commiseration. My readership (as I see it, both here and on my Google groups email list, which is much smaller, but IMO much more intimate than WTO) are the people that reach the point where they don’t want to be told “run, run, run!” or “put up boundaries” as a way of being effective in their relationships.
And yes, it is that crucial, because I serve as an example of someone who was able to learn, grow, heal and change such that I rebuilt my relationship with my wife and daughter. Others who have read my book also have indicated the same thing. I think one has to keep in mind one’s goals. As I said in my SWOE vs. WHINE post, the subtitles of each book indicate the different stance each book takes. SWOE’s is “taking back your life when someone you care about has BPD.” WHINE’s is “a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with BPD.” My goal was the second - it is relationship focused (and can help with other relationships that are emotionally intense). SWOE’s goal is focused on healing and empowering the non and, while it does talk about the relationship, it is not really relationship-focused - it is non-focused. Both have their place, depending on the place at which one is in their relationship and healing process.
I have grown to the point where I have completed the SWOE non-healing part of my evolution, now I am relationship-focused. Both contribute to my having a calmer life and relationship. It is difficult for me to “go back in time” and state the same things over and over. I still have to do it on my own list (the ATSTP Google Group), but I come at it from a new perspective. That is: if you want to keep the relationship and promote healing within yourself and within the person with BPD, here are some specific ways you can do so - and each worked (and continues to work) for me.
Bon