Comments on: Tough Love is NOT the Answer with BPD http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/2008/01/02/tough-love-is-not-the-answer-with-bpd/ Help for partners and parents of people with Borderline Personality Disorder - Non-BPs Fri, 21 Nov 2008 17:51:27 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.2 By: Bon Dobbs http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/2008/01/02/tough-love-is-not-the-answer-with-bpd/#comment-723 Bon Dobbs Wed, 02 Jul 2008 13:59:09 +0000 http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/2008/01/02/tough-love-is-not-the-answer-with-bpd/#comment-723 Mary, Emotionally volatile relationships are hard for anyone to deal with. It's exhausting and painful and takes a lot of energy. On top of that, we are not taught how to deal with emotionally volatile situations. Sounds as if your friend was emotionally wounded by something you did (or she imagined you did and felt the intention was to heurt her) and is angry and attacking you back. That is natural when anger is involved. In the case of someone with BPD, that feeling of anger can quickly become "splitting you black" - which mean she considers you all bad, evil even. When that occurs many people with BPD will burn bridges with former friends. It is a painful situation for the friend (if you value the friendship) and, in time, it mght become a painful, embarrassing situation for the person with BPD. Once the emotional dysregulation and impulsive emotional behavior wears off, your friend is likely to come back to you. It can't be assured, but it is likely. Take care of yourself emotionally and be patient. Sometimes it is the best course of action. Mary,

Emotionally volatile relationships are hard for anyone to deal with. It’s exhausting and painful and takes a lot of energy. On top of that, we are not taught how to deal with emotionally volatile situations. Sounds as if your friend was emotionally wounded by something you did (or she imagined you did and felt the intention was to heurt her) and is angry and attacking you back. That is natural when anger is involved. In the case of someone with BPD, that feeling of anger can quickly become “splitting you black” - which mean she considers you all bad, evil even. When that occurs many people with BPD will burn bridges with former friends. It is a painful situation for the friend (if you value the friendship) and, in time, it mght become a painful, embarrassing situation for the person with BPD. Once the emotional dysregulation and impulsive emotional behavior wears off, your friend is likely to come back to you. It can’t be assured, but it is likely.

Take care of yourself emotionally and be patient. Sometimes it is the best course of action.

]]> By: mary http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/2008/01/02/tough-love-is-not-the-answer-with-bpd/#comment-722 mary Wed, 02 Jul 2008 11:11:28 +0000 http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/2008/01/02/tough-love-is-not-the-answer-with-bpd/#comment-722 I have a friend...dear to me for 3.5 years...I was worried about her health due to certain behaviours...I had no one to talk to...I wrote a friend of hers I didn't know personally. the e mail addresss was included on my e mail forwards from her...this friend of hers was a dear one in her own words...when I contacted her..I was very nervous and felt as though I was betraying her...however I was worried. somehow...my friend found out..a risk I took, but not the wisest on the part of the other person. My friend doesn't like me now....the latest is that she doesn't like me because of another person...whom supposedly she doesn't like, consider a friend, nor talk to....that person has caused problems with our kids by exaggeration and distortions...not a good mix. NOW my friend is siding with this person...I feel to bug me...I am so emotionally whipped....I just never know what manipulation will occur...I'm trying not to react, but that is hard. Right now all I do is wrong...damned if I do or don't. I haven't e mailed her in 6 days....for 3 years we wrote every day.....she stopped sending me forwards, won't say anything nice about me....doesn't seem to care anymore and this is such the opposite of what our friendship was. she has flloored me. I just cant stand to see her with the other person/friend when the kids plan events...not because i'd normally be jealous, but because it's an obvious manipulation to anger me. I'm a nice person, but not perfect. FOrtunately I could not make a movie yesterday that the kids were invited to.....I didn't get off work in time. I dreaded that meeting all day while I was working....my kids are fnally getting tired of it too....I don't ever encourage them to hate or dislike anyone because of me...although I've been falsely accused of it by my friend months ago...I told her the kids don't understand...she hugged them and said, "this is between your mother and I and not you, you're just kids" in the mean time...I think she's turned her son away from us. I just don't know what to do. I feel like writing a letter to everone at one time and telling my story just to get it over with....not sure that would do any good....just so tired. I am at a point where I feel my validations and kindness are like throwing pearls before swine...I am truly depressed...truly...and I'm having a hard time climbing up. any comments or thoughts would be great. I have a friend…dear to me for 3.5 years…I was worried about her health due to certain behaviours…I had no one to talk to…I wrote a friend of hers I didn’t know personally. the e mail addresss was included on my e mail forwards from her…this friend of hers was a dear one in her own words…when I contacted her..I was very nervous and felt as though I was betraying her…however I was worried. somehow…my friend found out..a risk I took, but not the wisest on the part of the other person. My friend doesn’t like me now….the latest is that she doesn’t like me because of another person…whom supposedly she doesn’t like, consider a friend, nor talk to….that person has caused problems with our kids by exaggeration and distortions…not a good mix. NOW my friend is siding with this person…I feel to bug me…I am so emotionally whipped….I just never know what manipulation will occur…I’m trying not to react, but that is hard. Right now all I do is wrong…damned if I do or don’t. I haven’t e mailed her in 6 days….for 3 years we wrote every day…..she stopped sending me forwards, won’t say anything nice about me….doesn’t seem to care anymore and this is such the opposite of what our friendship was. she has flloored me. I just cant stand to see her with the other person/friend when the kids plan events…not because i’d normally be jealous, but because it’s an obvious manipulation to anger me. I’m a nice person, but not perfect. FOrtunately I could not make a movie yesterday that the kids were invited to…..I didn’t get off work in time. I dreaded that meeting all day while I was working….my kids are fnally getting tired of it too….I don’t ever encourage them to hate or dislike anyone because of me…although I’ve been falsely accused of it by my friend months ago…I told her the kids don’t understand…she hugged them and said, “this is between your mother and I and not you, you’re just kids” in the mean time…I think she’s turned her son away from us. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like writing a letter to everone at one time and telling my story just to get it over with….not sure that would do any good….just so tired. I am at a point where I feel my validations and kindness are like throwing pearls before swine…I am truly depressed…truly…and I’m having a hard time climbing up. any comments or thoughts would be great.

]]> By: Fun with Keywords Again | Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/2008/01/02/tough-love-is-not-the-answer-with-bpd/#comment-663 Fun with Keywords Again | Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:27:45 +0000 http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/2008/01/02/tough-love-is-not-the-answer-with-bpd/#comment-663 [...] borderline tough love (it doesn’t work see this post) [...] […] borderline tough love (it doesn’t work see this post) […]

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