Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

The danger of seeing validation as an end-all, be-all is clear from
our last few messages. In DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness section
there are (at least) 3 skills that are seaparate and distinct. They
are used in different circumstances and can be used in combination.
They are:

1) GIVE
2) FAST
3) DEAR MAN

GIVE is used to “keep the relationship” and can be used when OTHER
people have strong feelings. The GIVE skills are:

Gentle (Be)
Interested (Act)
Validate
Easy Manner (Use an)

FAST is used to keep you self-respect. THe FAST skills are:

Fair (be)
Apologies (no)
Stick to values
Truthful (be)

Last, DEAR MAN is used to get what you want (including change in the
other person). They are:

What to do:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce - this is the IMPORTANT part about changing behavior. You
will notice in SWOE, this Reinforce, I believe, is replaced with
Reiterate (I don’t have a copy of SWOE handy to check).

How to do it (these are left out of SWOE):
Mindfully - stay on point, you can ignore or use “broken record”
Appear Confident
Negotiate (be willing to)

So, you can see here validation is only for one thing - and it is not
change. It is for opening the communication lines - to know that you
hear and that you’re listening.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/ie_handout_9.html

Bon Dobbs :: Sep.11.2007 :: Best of, Validation :: No Comments »

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